Finding Grace in the Battle Scars

Sometimes I feel like God is relentless with me. Actually, more than sometimes. Often! When I look back over my life there are quite a few moments where I ponder the necessity of having to struggle in the areas that I have struggled in. I wish I was one of those people who seem to breeze through life on butterfly wings; riding with the currents and going with the flow. But I am not. My life has been a roller coaster ride of twists and turns and ups and downs. Many times, I have questioned the purpose in the pain. And yet at the same time I am learning to see God's love and light in the hard, dark places.

I have been doing quite a lot of thinking lately, about some of the battles I have faced, wounds I have 'suffered' and the scars that remain. And I realise that through every trial and in all the dark places, God carried me and gave me the grace and strength to keep going. I can see, looking back (don't we love hindsight), that I learnt almost all of my toughest and most valuable lessons in the deep dark desert of despair. Here are three of those battles and the treasured lessons I learnt:

1. A wedding postponed
If you had asked me, after Sean and I got engaged, what my biggest fear was it would have been calling off a wedding. I could have thought of nothing more terrible, more humbling or more heart wrenching. And yet three months before our (first) planned wedding, a day after giving out my last wedding invitation, we "called off our wedding". Sean likes to add the dramatic element by saying we "called it off". I like to say, we postponed. But however you phrase it, one day our wedding date was set for 9 December 2006, the next day it was not. Apart from all the practicalities of telling our guests and cancelling venues and churches, as a woman I felt many deep and sore emotions. I felt ashamed (I did not have it 'together' enough to be getting married), I felt scared (would Sean and I make it through yet another hurdle?), I felt betrayed (God couldn't hold things together long enough for us to make it down the aisle). Added to all this was the fact that we had recently left our previous church and support network, and that Sean and I were still very much engaged and committed but trying to wade our way through turbulent waters. It was hard. It was sore. I was never one to have had my fairy tale wedding all worked out in my head by the age of 5 but still, this was not the way I had envisioned getting married would go.

30 June 2007

And then God stepped in.  He gave me promises that I held to when I felt like I was drowning. Promises from the Bible of new wine and new wine skins, about saving the best wine for last (as in the story of the wedding in Cana).  And our wedding day on June 30 2007 was perfect. In every way. It was a true celebration of what can be overcome and how two very different but totally committed people can be 100% united in love. We are passionate about marriage to this day and about helping other couples navigate the sometimes stormy waters that can rock any marriage boat.  I believe that Sean and I are still a testimony to what it looks like to fight (a good fight) for a great marriage.




2. A down syndrome diagnosis
I would have thought that maybe, after the trial of postponing a wedding, God could have been gentle with me and allowed the rest of marriage and family life to go smoothly. But that was not to be. After being diagnosed with polycystic ovaries I was unsure whether I could fall pregnant but after a few months of meds we were delighted when our home pregnancy test came out positive! My first scan at around 9 weeks went well and we shared our exciting news with family and then friends. At our 12 week scan we did all the big genetic tests, including those for down syndrome. I was only 31 so still young and (in theory) at low risk. However, the first slight abnormality was the nucal fold size (this is the measurement of the folds of skin at the back of the baby's neck). My baby's came in at slightly higher than normal. Not a problem as an isolated sign but we also could not see his nasal bone (another soft down syndrome sign). I then had to go have blood tests done (also routine) and by now was quite anxious about everything we had seen (or not seen). After having all the tests and measurements, most women my age would have a 1 in 'a few thousand'  risk of having a down syndrome baby. My risk came back as 1 in 310. Even remembering the overwhelming fear and emotion that I felt getting that news brings me to tears. Sean and I decided not to have an amnio at the time and to wait to see what we could see at the next scans. But I was shattered. My world felt shattered. Of all the things that I felt I would have to face in life, this was one I was totally unprepared for. After the 12 week scan I remember crying out and asking God why!? And all I heard were his gentle words "He is not a mistake". At our 16 or 20 week scan (I can't quite recall) we had two more soft signs; a calcium spot in the heart and more worryingly our baby only had a single umbilical artery (there should be two arteries and one vein going through the umbilical cord and one of his had calcified). My risk was now 1 in 250. Again we turned down the offer of an amnio. It is more conclusive then the scans and tests we had done but the risk of miscarriage is 1 in 150. And whatever the outcome, this baby was our son and terminating the pregnancy would never be a consideration. So while most first time moms only need space to think about baby clothes and nappies, I was thinking of baby clothes, nappies and down syndrome.

Tristan: only a few months old

Tristan April 2015

 I did a lot of crying. And asking. And praying. And I learnt some of my most treasured life lessons: firstly, our baby was not a mistake. Secondly, my idea of 'perfection' is different to God's idea and standard of perfection. And lastly, our little boy was going to be everything he was meant to be even if it didn't come 'packaged' in a perfect body.  Fast forward to 9:25pm on 29 January 2011 - welcome to the world our beautiful, perfect, healthy baby boy Tristan Louis Michael Krige.


3. The death of my dad
I was always a daddy's girl. I used to dress up in his clothes, I have his love for empty boxes (as well as planning and cautious driving) and when I was 2 years old he was the one who I insisted slept in hospital with me when I had my tonsils out. Later in life, through my parent's divorce, high school years and travelling in my twenties, our relationship ebbed and flowed. I had also become a mommy's girl but my dad held that daddy's place especially reserved in a daughter's heart. Ikey, as he was affectionately known by my cousins and also by my two boys, was never one to live life confined by society's ideas or ideals. Nothing could contain him, limit him or box him in. And he died the same way. Watching him die was possibly one of the most heart breaking , soul wrenching experiences I have faced. Yet I was one of the lucky few. I knew my dad was going to die. I got to see him. I got to say everything I wanted to and needed to say to him while he was still alive. Nothing was unspoken or unforgiven between us. I knew he loved me dearly and he knew I loved him deeply. Although I wasn't able to touch him in the last days of his life (something I still wish I could have done) our father-daughter relationship was as perfect as it could ever be. My dad died in the early hours of the morning on Thursday 4 July 2013. I only heard a bit later that morning (while I was on my way to see him again) but when I heard, I realised I had already known. In the early hours of that same morning I had woken up and had poured out my heart and soul over him in prayer.

Trist and Ikey 2011

Our dad and daughter dance 2007

I have no doubt that was exactly the time he left us. It took me over a year of heart wrenching grief before I felt my heart return to a new normal. I still miss my dad. Every single day. I wish he could see our boys growing up. I wish he could see our new life on the farm. He would love it! But despite all this, I know I am one of the lucky ones. I got to say everything I needed to. I got to say I love you and I got to say goodbye. My lesson in grief has been this: grief is not something to just 'get over'. I don't think I have or ever will truly 'get over' the loss of my dad. I have simply learnt to live with the space in my heart that he left.  This has been so helpful for me in the way I respond to other people's loss and grief. I am grateful for that.  As for my lesson in life... Life is full of final goodbyes.  This is the only guarantee I have. I pray I will keep remembering how it feels to have loved to the last and to have left nothing unspoken. May I always keep short accounts, forgive, let go of anger, say what is on my heart.

And the point in sharing all these (unrelated to our Walkerville Adventure) things? To be honest, I am not quite sure. Perhaps more as a reminder to me going forward that through every dark, scary, confused moment, even when nothing else was certain, I knew that was God was near, His love covered me and His grace would carry me through.

As Matt Redman so beautifully puts it:

"Our scars are a sign of grace in our lives,
And Father how you brought us through
When deep were the wounds and dark was the night
The promise of Your love You proved.
Now every battle still to come let this be our song:

It is well
With my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul".

Matt Redman - It Is Well With My Soul (Acoustic/Live) - YouTube

Some Big Lessons & Decisions! (part 1)

I can't believe it's been 4 months since my last post... 16 weeks, where did that go?? In fact, it reminds me of another 16 week period i spent skiing in Austria at the end of 2003, and some important lessons and big decisions that came out of that trip in particular. More about this in part 2 though.

So, what lessons and decisions am i talking about this time round? Wasn't relocating our family onto a farm 50km's south of Sandton a big enough decision? Apparently not. In fact, it actually reminds me of a saying I've used many times in the past... You can take the farmer out of the eastern cape (or almost any other province from that matter), but you can't take the eastern cape out of the farmer. And so it goes with me...

Security

I guess moving to a farm in the south wouldn't be complete without a breach in safety at some point, it just seemed that our breach came sooner than we'd expected! And so, as is now the case in almost every suburb and township in SA, a generous local removal service, transported my 2 bikes and a box load of tools, to an unclassified location (generous, because they were happy to do so free of charge) one Sunday morning. Jokes aside (although we can never really afford to stop joking in our country), D and i weren't laughing at the time, and you can get more on this from D's last blog post.

What was interesting for me however, was my knee jerk response. No, i did not get a gun, despite one of the unwritten rules of the south being (I'm sure), that a man without a gun and a dog is no man at all. What i did however do, was go into overdrive about trying to get our landlord to try fix our faulty electric fence, try get some tsotsi (criminal) eating dogs, and try install as many outdoor and indoor beams as we could afford. Please note, the emphasis being on the word try... Because as of today, we still have a broken electric fence, no man eating dogs, and not a single beam to boast of! And here was the lesson God has was teaching me... You don't really know what you trust in, until the squeeze is on, or said better by Robert Mckee;

“True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure - the greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature.”

Ouch! So what i need to add, is that at the very outset of our move to the farm, in fact i think it was day 1 for Dannean, and a couple days later for me, God gave us both a picture of a warrior angel having been posted on the roof of the house we are renting - coupled with a promise that no one would enter our house who was not welcome (more on God's promises below). It only then dawned on me, when my last ditch attempt at trying to get the beams installed failed, that maybe, just maybe, i was up against a force a wee bit greater than my or any tsotsi's best efforts. God was making it painfully clear, that He was the last person i was consulting on the matter of household security, despite Him having reassured us of our personal safety prior to the incident.

In my subsequent conversations with the Lord, it became increasingly clear that i had a pretty big trust issue, and we all know how healthy any relationship is without trust right? Fast forward today, and there have been no more breakins, probably because there's nothing else to steal at this point (ha-ha), and while i will be taking the necessary precautions with my workshop area in due course, the house on all accounts, remains God's property and problem - something i like to think i have come to terms with (but suppose I never really will know - until the next squeeze that is).

The Business

Leading on from the breakin, the latest developments in the motorized bicycle(less) business, are as follows... Remaining with good old Robert Mckee's quote above, it wasn't long after the security squeeze, that the identity and purpose squeeze kicked in. The what squeeze? Ok, let me explain... For anyone who has known me more than a couple hours, it's pretty easy to figure out, that I'm a relatively simple guy, with relatively normal guy issues. The 2nd question (after your name) you'll probably get from me (upon meeting), will almost certainly be, 'So Pete, what do you do'? This is basically man code for, who are you, how do think, what can you do, and how much money's in your bank account? In the majority, (disclaimer) if the chicks compare their waist lines, the guys compare their skills and influence. So, it really shouldn't come as a surprise to me, that the next lesson (in pretty rapid succession) should be that of, who exactly is Sean when he has no business or prospects? (i.e. no bikes and no money to do anything about that). Ouch!

Back to the quote... 'The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the characters essential nature'. And so the choice i have had to make (not want to make), has been to do nothing about the business, other than to wait. What? That sounds pathetic right? Are you really just going to roll over and die that easily? Yes. And here's why... Because Godly (not worldly) character is only really formed from a single starting point, and here it is;

Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. - John 12v24-25

Having just finished a book on humility by Andrew Murray, I can assure you the timing thereof was no coincidence, because as Andrew Murray puts it; 'To die to self, or come from under its power, is not, cannot be done, by any active resistance we can make to it by the powers of nature. The one true way of dying to self is the way of patience, meekness, humility, and resignation to God. This is the truth and perfection of dying to self, for if I ask you what the Lamb of God is and means, must you not tell me that it is and means the perfection of patience, meekness, humility, and resignation to God?'

Thank you Andrew for my Sunday school lesson, because it came as no surprise to me, that of all the virtues, patience, meekness, humility and self will, are the 4 i probably rank the lowest in! So what to do? What of the motorized bicycles? What of the very purpose of moving out of the city in the 1st place? Good questions... A wise man once said, 'If while drowning, all you're able to clutch at is straws, rather try and find the boat you fell out of in the 1st place!' To take the wise man's council, here is the promise that God gave D and I as we stepped out of our proverbial boat 6 months ago;

I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait (have patience) for the Lord ; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait (resign your will) for the Lord! - Psalm 27v13-14

So here's the lesson... When (not if) God calls you out of the boat, and tells you (like he did Peter) to walk upon the water, remember, he's not calling you out of the boat to walk on water, he's calling you out the boat to come to and become like him. Take my advise when I say, don't mix the 2 up, because it makes all the difference in understanding what God is doing in your life!!

A Promise

As mentioned above, God gave us a promise before our move down south, but for those of us who are wondering how exactly God gives these 'promises', allow me a moment to back up. Let's be honest, how do we even know it's actually God in the 1st place? How do we know it's not just our self will making up what we want to believe? Good questions... So here's a layman's attempt at trinitarian theology. God, the real GOD (as it is written in the Torah), is 3 persons in 1 - Father, Spirit, Son. By faith we believe that this 3-in-1 GOD takes up residence within the human body, in the form of His Spirit. God's Spirit and man's spirit essentially become one new spirit (hence the well covered and often abused phrase - you must be born again my dear!).

This new spirit also gives you an 'updated' set of faculties, in particular the ability to 'hear' and 'see' God at work. The primary and most reliable way to hear and see God, is to read the bible. And so, when I talk about this promise that God gave us, i am referring to an email i received from a friend of mine, with the previous scripture (Psalm 27v13-14) in it. More than that however, it came at a critical juncture in our lives last year, when we we're trying to decide if we were actually going to risk it all (by all i just mean my job and occupancy of our flat). The thing is, when my 'born again' spirit read that email, it literally felt as if God was shining a light down from heaven and saying, this piece of scripture, this promise, is from me for you (and your new future). I hope this makes some sense to anyone who was wondering if we simply eat too much pizza (and hence have funny dreams) in our house!

There's something else God is also teaching me about promises... And while this sounds relatively counter intuitive, it's actually pretty biblical, in fact so biblical, that God decided to use it as the ultimate test for the man he used to give birth to His own people (the nation of Israel). You see, when God asked Abraham to take his 10 year old son (Isaac) up the mountain (to sacrifice), God wasn't only suggesting to Abraham that he didn't have a problem with killing his son, He was also saying that He didn't have a problem killing off the very reason, the very dream, he had given Abraham in the 1st place... A dream that Abraham would be the Father of a nation, a multitude of people (starting with Isaac) as many as the stars in the sky and the grains of sand on the beach. So what's the lesson here?

God is that secure in himself, that He really doesn't have any problem coming across as a raving mad, murderous maniac, because he knows He isn't, and He doesn't need any friends. 

He's also crazy enough to risk being rejected by the very man whom the future of the entire nation of Israel hinges on! What? Why would God risk it? Here's what I think... Because God was allowing the father of our faith, Abraham, to set a standard of what God finds acceptable and righteous. So then, should we as Abraham's spiritual children, be surprised when God allows us to face the self same test, where the very promise that you know God has given you, is the very thing that He asks you to put on the alter of sacrifice?! No, because it's only when we give the promise back to God, that He knows we will use the promise for His glory, and that's when i believe we have our breakthrough (and get what God always promised he'd give us in the 1st place).

The Sabbath

One of my key resolutions with our move out of the city, was to hit the reset button on how I spent my time, or more specifically, what I spent my time doing. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't that i had time management issues, on the contrary, i prided myself in needing less sleep, and getting more things done than most people. No, the real issue was what i wasn't getting done. For example, i liked to think that the most important things in my life, those things that carry the greatest weight in my life, were the things i was spending the most time on. But this was not the case at all, in fact, the exact opposite was true.

In all honesty, an objective look at how i spent my time, would in a court of law, reveal very little more than a person who's entire existence revolves around work, and in particular managing people, deadlines and goals. What then consumed the remaining waking hours of my day, was a 1 hour 'quiet time' (most weekday mornings), 80 minutes in the car (to and from work), 90 minutes playing and bathing the kids, another 90 minutes of work (email catchup most evenings), 1 night bible study a week, 1 night 'date night' a week (Dannean was lucky if I lit a candle), nicely rounded off with a proliferation of social events and activities on most weekends, and lastly sprinkled with an occasional Saturday outreach and of course Sunday church.

The only problem with all of this was... well everything, because at the core of who I liked to think i was, who we are is inextricably linked to how we spend our time, i had become a living example of the 80/20 principal gone wrong (i.e. 80% of my time being spent on 20% of the things that matter most to me).

Fortunately, this 80/20 principal situation wasn't only bothering me (or else I don't think much would have changed), so when the Spirit gently whispered to me a couple months back, that I needed to revisit my time allocation, i was very grateful for the reminder to do so. What i hadn't counted on, was just how wide God was about to open my eyes regarding how much we have lost as a result of not taking a Sabbath rest... Fast forward today, and i have over the past 3 months dedicated my Fridays (to a Sabbath rest), in order to do the things i always knew i should be doing, but never made the time to do so.

I call these my 5 F's, but I got them straight out the bible, so there's nothing fancy here. What is however new, is that I know dedicate every Friday to these 5 things alone (in 1 form or another). I'm not religious about it though, so if something else important (and it needs to be pretty important) pops up, i have the freedom to deal with that too. There is obviously a cost to count in this regard, as it's 1 less work day a week, but we've got our budget, and I've got my targets. On the upside however, let me say that I have never felt the pleasure of God more, or heard his voice clearer (I think!), than I have over the past 3 months. Obviously, living on a farm with huge amounts of space, beautiful scenery and fresh air helps, but I don't think that on its own is enough - not even close.

So, whether we like it or not, time is the ultimate test of our affections, purpose and motives. It's also a bit like our education system, in that you have to step out of the box to stop it being your master (more on that in part 2). Included here below are the previously mentioned 5 F's which form the framework for my Friday schedule;

• Delightful abiding (Fuel)
• Is my God love tank full?

• Knowledgeable obedience (Fight)
• Am I studying the word and actively seeking how to move more in the spirit?

• Intercessory prayer (Fire)
• Am I spending strategic prayer time in advancing the Kingdom?

• Sacrificial serving (Friendship)
• Am I continuously sharing the love of Christ with those in need?

• Dedicated discipling (Followership)
• Am I strategic and intentional in my discipling of others, as well as being discipled myself?

That's it for part 1. Can you tell i haven't blogged for 16 weeks?! Part 2 will follow shortly, but my hope as always, is that something (anything!) in what i share would encourage you in your journey of faith and life. I also always like to end any post with an invitation to come and visit us anytime on the farm. It's always better to share / discuss these things face to face anyway - so you are welcome!

Lastly, I've included some fun pics below from the past few months on the farm...

LOVE.



The annual mulberry bush bonfire on the farm next door



Our family (23 year old) landi (aka the samel - from school days), transporting the kennel for the dogs we imported from the farm next door (pic below). As I shared, God wasn't about to let me off the hook that easily, and we quickly had to pass them on after they unsuccessfully swallowed Jake (our Jack Russell) on 2 occasions!





The boys in digger heaven...




Our 3rd child Jupiter (Jupie for short, a ridgeback this time)



Dannean's garden birthday tea with some of her new friends from the south (tough chicks these!)



The whole family in the bed (with room for at least 1 more i think!)



My workshops (complete with recycled billboard roll up doors) (can you tell i'm proud!)



The prototype (last seen in an unclassified location!)

Cry, the Beloved Country

"The tragedy is not that things are broken. The tragedy is that things are not mended again".

― Alan Paton, Cry, The Beloved Country

Last month we had a burglary. The thieves (or tsotsi's as we now call them) cut through our electric fence and stole Sean's motorised bicycles, tool box and some other odds and ends. It was completely opportunistic and it was clear that whoever came knew the bikes were there and came solely for these. A week later they came back to the farm and stole the gate motor. I have had some rough nights since then. Both incidents took place around 3 am and both times I was awake and alerted, although saw nothing. I think my body got into a habit of waking around the same time and this triggered an alert state in me which could only rest again when Sean woke up at 5 am. The truth is, it has been unsettling. We do not feel that our lives are in any danger and I hold to the picture I felt God give me our first night here, of an angel's wings covering our house. But still, it has been unsettling. And once again, as at many points in my life, I have had to confront it. The dreaded beast.

Fear. 

Fear has been a constant companion of mine for as far back as I can remember. Like an annoying mosquito buzzing constantly in my ear, even when not very loud or forceful, I have always felt its presence. When I was young, I feared thunderstorms, I feared being poor and I feared being 'less than best'. Fear of being 'a statistic' stopped me from experimenting with ecstasy tablets and cocaine when I was in my twenties. And then came motherhood. Oh my goodness, where to begin...fears of down syndrome (I had a higher risk pregnancy), of my baby dying in utero, SIDS and so on and so on. I think the best way to sum my fears up would be to say that I feared not being in control; meaning I feared just about everything! God graciously took me on a journey and, as a new mother, I had to sit and name my fears and face them head on. I am not sure why but even saying what I feared out loud was pretty daunting. But I did. I faced these fears and made every attempt to replace fear with truth. It took time and I would like to think I came a very long way. In fact I couldn't really recall the last time fear really raised its head. Until now. Until these two recent, small, unpleasant incidents.

So why now and why these incidents? 

I think for me it is not so much fear for our lives or safety but fear that there is such a vulnerability to life. I am reminded, yet again, that I am not in control. I take life for granted. Daily. I take health for granted. Daily. I take too many things for granted. Every. Single. Day. These incidents shook me and unsettled the sediment that had clearly been covering over my control issues. They exposed my fear again for what it is: the intense dislike of not being in control and, related to this, a lack of faith in God's desire or ability to protect. I wavered in my confidence over our life decisions, having to check again that we are where we feel God has called us. We would never purposefully put our lives or our boys' lives at risk. And I am grateful that when I thought things over I knew two things: Firstly, this is the journey God wants us to be on. Secondly, it was God who led us and opened the doors to us living in this house. I purposefully never pushed and never 'made things happen' in this regard. I waited, trusted and God alone opened the doors. 

And then I think of the many vulnerable men, women and children in our country. Those who live in places where there is no security. And I fear for them and their safety. And my heart breaks that this beautiful land we live in is so damaged and pockmarked by fear. I fear that if I, and if we, let them then Alan Paton's words in Cry the Beloved Country will indeed ring true:  "Cry, the beloved country, for the unborn child that's the inheritor of our fear. Let him not love the earth too deeply. Let him not laugh too gladly when the water runs through his fingers, nor stand too silent when the setting sun makes red the veld with fire. Let him not be too moved when the birds of his land are singing. Nor give too much of his heart to a mountain or a valley. For fear will rob him if he gives too much.” 

― Alan Paton, Cry, the Beloved Country 

Then I think of the young men who (most likely) committed both crimes. The very men we desire to help through Sean's business. I think of them not with anger (although I feel angry that I should be fearful), but with something else that I can't quite describe. Perhaps it is this; I understand that maybe they have no choice. Let me explain: I was running the other day, just after the first burglary, and I started thinking: What if I was the wife of an unemployed young man? What if I was the mother of three (four?five?) kids with tummies to fill and bodies to warm? What would I expect of my husband? I would expect him to make a plan. Any plan. And perhaps that night, this is what these young men did. They made a plan. I am not saying they made the right plan. I am just saying that in my warm house, with my healthy boys, tummies full, in their warm beds I don't think I can understand the desperation that is felt by so many in every nook and cranny of our country. And I fear. I fear this. I fear for our country if something does not change. I fear that as the 'haves' we can hide behind our suburban neighbourhoods, electric fences, helplessness, pity, apathy, good intentions and do nothing while our beloved country cries itself to sleep on cold hard floors and with empty tummies.

Something has happened in the very depths of me since we left our Northern suburb Riverclub home and moved South. It is hard to put into words. I have always had a heart for social justice and had been involved in outreaches, been into Alex, helped vulnerable women and children and so on while we lived in Sandton. But I realise now that after doing 'good' I came back home into the folds of a safe cocoon where, until the next time, I could block out the sadness and injustices of this land. Since we moved South, something has shifted. I feel constantly unsettled in my very core. Something is always there and I can no longer find a cocoon in which to hide. Something is not right. It never has been. But now I know it all the time. Perhaps this is simply because this is the direction God is calling us in and what He has put on my heart. But I think, by our decisions and life choices, I have allowed God to remove the safety net and to bring to light the vulnerability that is in me and in every body else. I have forever lost an innocence that I think I once had. Only now can I see a bit more clearly for the first time. And although I don't cry physical tears, my heart cries. It cries for the widow, the orphan and the unemployed men. It cries for the single mother trying to make ends meet. It cries for the foreigner; for the men, women and children who have fled their own countries out of desperation. It cries and cries and cries. It cries for our beloved South Africa. My greatest wish is that I can turn these tears into something useful. My greatest hope can only be found in God and for this reason I cling dearly to this scripture:

Found on merewhispers.wordpress.com   

"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord

In the land of the living.

14 Wait for the Lord;

Be strong and let your heart take courage;

Yes, wait for the Lord." (Psalm 27:13-14 NASB)

11 August 2015

As always, I started this post a while ago and have been working on it for a good few weeks.  Since the first burglary I stopped sleeping with ear plugs in (my need to be able to 'hear' what was going on through the night) and I also woke about 4 or 5 times a night, checking on the boys and checking outside. Monday 27 July was a turning point for me. I literally felt like I was wrestling for my life with the fear that had gripped me. I prayed. I quoted scripture and eventually I felt like I needed to put in  my ear plugs again. This made me a bit anxious but I felt it was a practical step to saying: Okay God, you've got this. So I did. I put the ear plugs in and finally fell asleep. I have slept like a baby ever since. I am still a work in progress in this regard but do feel like I am making positive steps forward.

The best days of my life...

The last 2 months undoubtedly rank as some of my best (if not the best) times of my life... I think the basis for this, is that i have probably never experienced the fulfillment of more of God's promises in my life, in such a short space of time. Just for context sake, when we moved at the end of March from our Sandton apartment, to a free-standing house on a farm in the south of Joburg, all we actually knew, was that we had a place to move to, some friends (Lorenzo & Joe) who lived in the area, and a vision for a life of greater impact and significance. 

Here's what we didn't have... I had no job, we had no tenants for our flat, no idea what it meant to live on a farm, or what life would actually be like in a 'foreign' place. We had some very mixed feelings from my family on the matter, knew of no schools in the area, no church supporting us (or to attend), no alarms, dogs or guns, and about half a months salary worth of savings. 

Some would say that takes faith, others pure stupidity! To be honest, i think it's a bit of both, but here's my point... 

What then has come of this faith and stupidity? What did fate or God (you decide) do with how we decided to play our cards?

Here's my rendition (please forgive the list;)

• I eventually got a job 3 weeks ago... with my previous employer (The Hope Factory) of all people. So, you can imagine my surprise, after having been given the most wonderful farewell by the company, that i should once again find myself in their employment, only this time in a part time capacity, doing what i really love (mentoring), all in the area i now live (the south), all on the terms i requested (So much for not having one's cake and eating it!) I've included a pic of what they gave me on my last day - A farmers hat and shoes (ha-ha), and a frame of our 'dream team' (very special). Also included here is a pic of me with an amazing woman (Busi Raphekwane) - only because i want people to know i was once her boss! - watch out for this lady South Africa!

• So i knew we were moving to a farm, but what i didn't realize was that the 600 hectares of green grass that we now call our 'backyard', would provide the most breathtaking sunrises to run in... Sunsets to ride in... And a beautiful backdrop to lunch in...

• Not having a dog couldn't have come to an end sooner, when by surprise we were given a Jack Russell (since named Jake) at the exact time i realized we didn't have enough money to install an alarm system, nor a nose to smell out rats and Rinkhals' (of which he's already found 2!). We've always wanted a dog for our family (and boys in particular), and much to Dannean's horror, i refer to my self as his daddy (he's that cute!)

• I should probably add, that earlier this week i managed to run Jake over (with my car) (these things happen on farms!). With tears in my eyes i raced him to the vet as the little thing proceeded to urinate blood uncontrollably. I couldn't help asking God what was the point in allowing us to get the dog in the 1st place? Well my cynicism quickly turned to absolute joy and relief, as Jake was discharged the very next day with only a bruised leg (what!!??) True. (ok fair, we did pray for him like one of our own children had been run over!)

• Our new home has a guest bedroom, which is something we had been looking forward to having for many years. And so having friends and family spend the night was suddenly an option - except that's all we had - a room. Money was simply too tight to mention for a bed... That was until our neighbours randomly informed us that their living arrangements required that their extra length double bed and base set, find a new home temporarily. Problem solved! (and a breakfast with the bed for anyone coming to visit...).

• The one irony of our move, was not factoring in how we thought we were going to meet people living on a farm! And so the fact that we have since come to befriend some amazing people, mostly through and including an old Grey Junior School mate of mine (Stephen Pohlmann), has been a great blessing! It also so happens that Steve is a pastor of a beautiful little church 10 minutes down the road from us, as well as being a really gifted teacher and preacher. A highlight for me in our short stint with the church to date, was definitely a trip into one of the poorer communities in the area this weekend, as well as watching Steve (being an ex-baptist pastor) actually getting a couple 'amens' for a change!

• My passion for entrepreneurship and desire to start another business (gulp), was again surprisingly met by the realization that the dirt garages in our backyard are in fact going to be the perfect workshop space for the motorized bicycle business i'm starting. In fact just last week we finished cementing the floors with Thembi (the world's most versatile nanny!) and her building crew (including the boys of course!)

• And on that note, to see these 2 boys playing in a garden that's too big for them, with a hose that's too long from them, and a dog that's too fast for them, gives me more joy than i can actually express... ps. getting the resident lawn mowing service in the other day was a highlight for them too, as was Connor watching and learning to weld (just kidding mom!)

• When May came around, with me still not having a job, and Dannean's part time work at Wits only going to cover half the months expenses, we were left doubting... That was until one of my best mates bridged our financial gap (totally unbeknownst to him), with an amazing financial donation. I think this was all the more humbling, given the fact that this friend of mine and i don't share the same faith, and yet he has chosen to support us in such a generous and gracious manner. Bob you beauty!

• Starting businesses cost money, and so you can imagine my jubilation (and shock) when another Grey Junior School friend of mine (now living in Hawaii) contacts me on face book out the blue, to inform me that God has spoken to him about the business i'm starting, and that he's got R50,000 (interest free) for me to get things going... What!!?? True. Greg Byron you biscuit!

The list does go on, but i'll leave the rest for next time.

In conclusion, and with hindsight (all be it only 10 weeks), making this move (in my small little world) was both the most difficult and the easiest decision i've ever made in my life. The most difficult in that, why would i (we) risk everything we already had, by quitting my job, uprooting my family, and moving on to a farm?? Yet at the same time, the easiest decision, because that's all we had to do... (Get to the farm). God / fate (you decide) has done everything else since then.

Jesus says "Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." My great hope is that this promise might find its fulfillment in your life, as it has in ours. You get to day 1, He'll take it from there...
Ps. I've included a link here to our vision (as referred to at the beginning of the post) for anyone who's interested - https://www.evernote.com/shard/s443/sh/628f81ba-9591-45e8-b41a-3a832fe4690c/c0c63057f05884466e0cc19dcec74c6a)

Am I Enough?

Am I enough?

This question has been spinning around my head and weighing in on my heart this evening as I look back on my Monday and reflect on my day. Am I enough? I think, if I am honest, this question has probably been around my heart for many years, not just a few hours. I think it perfectly captures all the thoughts I have started blogging about and then changing and redirecting in my head (yes, I do that. I blog in my head a bit and then put it in writing). 

Am I enough?

The reason why today these words have really caught hold of me is that for the first time in a long while, I actually sat back and thought "What do I DO all day? What do I have to show for my time?" Yes, I keep two very active boys alive, feed them, clean cuts and give hugs. Today we also read books, cleaned the garden, played with puzzles and I made homemade bread. But really? Is that all? I realise my formal homeschooling has not begun yet but on a day like today with no shopping, no internet access (and little admin to do anyway), I felt pretty useless. And this brings me back to the question, Am I enough? Me, not what I do or don't do in a day. Just me. Minus the wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend label. Is who I am, as Dannean, enough?

I think so. I hope so. But right now, I don't really know.

A recent in-my-head blog post that I started was around the topic of apologising. In this I considered what I have learnt, am still learning and need to learn not to apologise for. I say sorry A LOT. As I was thinking about the words 'Am I enough' I realised that this so closely links to the things I still need to learn not to apologise for. These things interestingly fit into three perfect categories for me: my home, my social environement and my family. This is what I mean:

I am a bit of a perfectionist in general. I like a clean house and a comfortable and practical living space. Like any woman, I also like nice and pretty things. Let me start by saying that we are blessed to have everything we need. But it would be really nice to have a dining room table that we could use as a dining room table and not a work space. To have a set of unpeeling dining room chairs and an easy-on-the-eye coffee table (these were, I may add, given to us in excellent condition several years ago by friends). When people come for lunch or dinner, we eat around the coffee table. What is funny to me is that when we lived in our flat, this never bothered me. It was just how it was. But now it feels so impractical.  We have done it; had five people eating around our coffee table. And I am sure I apologised for it.

Since we moved into a much bigger house, I have realised how much is ingrained in me, as a woman. My desire to now decorate and 'make pretty' and be able to show off my house like a prized painting. I didn't even realise that a part of me felt this was my 'right'.  Of course, there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a nice place to live, a pretty house and nice things. But this is not the focus of our move or life change. And this is not, for many reasons (only some of it financial), the time. So I have been thinking: 'Does all this really matter?' Does it matter that we all eat around our peeling coffee table; cosily squished together, food mostly on our laps? Surely it is more important that when people visit they feel welcomed, loved and wanted, not that my house is a vision of beauty and perfection? In other words, peeling chairs and coffee table dinner dates aside, am I enough that people could see past the imperfections of our house and feel loved and welcomed anyway? By me. Just me? Or more importantly, can I look past the imperfections and seeming impracticalities and allow myself, just as I am, to be enough?

It seems to be celebration season at the moment with birthdays and baby showers and many other fun celebrations happening. I love celebrating with friends and family. The reality is, however, that we have a R200 present budget. For the month. The entire month. For every single celebration that may come along. This past month we had a party every single weekend plus it was Sean's birthday near the end of April (May's present budget). I don't think I have to explain that when R200 is divided by about 6 it does not equate to very much present money per friend. And to be honest, we budget for everything (!) so it is not just a simple case of shifting some things around to spend more here and less there. My point is this, I feel guilty? bad? sad? less than a good friend? when my love and care for a friend (or their little one) cannot equate into what would be seen as a significant gift. I feel bad for my kids when they gleefully hand over a teeny tiny thought present to their friend which inevitably gets lost in amongst the large expensive ones and which (let's admit) is nowhere near as exciting. (This being said I was so blessed to see two little friends recently wearing our birthday gifts and looking gorgeous in them). Let me just clarify something... This is not anyone else's issue but mine! I have never been looked down upon by friends for giving a small baby shower gift or birthday gift to their kids. It is simply my own feelings. Would I like to be able to spend more? Sometimes (on the big people). Can I? Not at this stage. So the question again: Am I enough? Am I enough that my friends, family, friends' kids can look beyond the money value that the gift holds to the heart behind who is giving it? More importantly, can I look beyond the money value of the gift? Can I trust my own heart and allow myself, just as I am, to be enough?

Lastly, of course is something relating to our boys. Tristan turned 4 in January. He already wears a size 11 shoe and 5-6 clothing. I feel like every time I look away he grows a bit more and outgrows more clothing. To be honest, it is hard to keep up with him. His t-shirts fit but are too short. He has a real mishmash of odds and ends in his cupboard. And that is okay for farm life. And in theory it is okay for all life. But I cannot help feel just a little bit guilty when we are out and about with friends and my kids look like, well, farm kids while all the other kids look like mini models for Jet, Edgar's and Woolies. I don't mean designer, I just mean, their clothes actually fit them. Unlike my little guy who either wears things that are too short (while I wait for him to grow through the transition phase) or two sizes too big (because I won't buy something now that he will grow out of in two months time). And let's not even mention Connor aka The Hand Me Down Kid. Again, no one has ever commented or made me feel like this is an issue. This is entirely my own 'thing' and my own guilt. And I ask again. Am I enough? Am I enough that anyone looking from the outside in, will know that our boys are loved and treasured and the very reason their clothes are not perfect is because they have both their parents investing huge amounts of time and love into them? Can I look past short t-shirts and hand me downs and trust that what I, and more importantly I pray God, is investing into their hearts and characters far outweighs any material items they could possess?

Am I enough?

In reflecting on this I think I would be safe to say that I am not alone. Especially as a woman. Working mums, stay home mums, single mums, not-yet-mums, married, unmarried, high powered jobs, less powered jobs, retired, introverts, extroverts, owners, renters, financially stable, financially struggling...  Don't we all wonder at some point if we are enough? 

I wish there was a simple equation of x +y = z. In other words, do this, say this, pray this and you will know that you are enough. But truth be told, this is a question that I feel no one else can settle or answer for me or for any of us. It is a journey we all have to undertake. Perhaps even a lonely life time journey. In the end I feel that I am truly the only one who can decide if, just as I am, I am enough.

A Knife, a Fork (and a dog named Jake)

I am not sure how many friends of ours from 'the North' think we are just plain crazy, unwise, foolish or irresponsible (or all four). No one has actually said this to us in so many words. I do think our friends from 'the South' wonder what the big deal is. Yes, we have moved location. But we are still in civilisation, have the luxury of WiFi, shops, cell phones, two cars AND to top it all off, the benefits of living on a farm! What's the big deal? (They probably think we are plain crazy for the fact that we make such a big deal about our move ;)).

But here is the thing; our move has not just been about a change in location.  This has been about us choosing (prayerfully) a path that we feel is less travelled. One which we believe will take us in the direction we want to go and where we will end up where we want to be.  We have given God permission to do things His way, in His timing and we have (for me, sometimes reluctantly) agreed to hand over all control fully to Him. Of course we have responsibility on our part and we do not take this lightly. But we have stuck up our hands and said: 'Here we are Lord. Use us!' And He will. And He is. But my oh my is He also teaching, moulding and training us. Let me now move from 'us' talk to 'me' talk. I can honestly say that in 36 years (16 of them as a Christian), I have never been as stretched in my faith as I am today.  You see I chose not only to move house, change community and have family and friends further away but in doing all this I chose (and agreed to) shift our financial position, change my outlook on schooling, get comfortable with change, and get used to uncertainty and NOT BEING IN CONTROL. It is hard and it is scary. Harder in some ways than I thought. But I have already seen God move in ways that only He can; amazing ways!

My single biggest prayer before we moved (and still now) has been for God's will alone to be done. Not Sean's, not mine, God's. I said countless times that I would gladly look like a fool but I asked simply that if God wanted us to stay and not move that everything fall to pieces before the truck arrived to take our things and move our life. Amazing how I could pray so fervently for something and then miss the answer to prayer. And not only that, but feel grieved and disappointed when things have not turned out as I hoped or expected. Let me explain:

A Knife 

Last week Friday was pay day. Usually I celebrate on this day as by this time there is often more month left than money. No celebrations this month. Sean got paid his last salary at the end of March. He has not worked in April and has been waiting to receive an offer of part time employment from his previous company. Nothing had come. No work, no pay. *Big gulp number 1*.

Despite around 500 views on Private Property and several other failed leads and attempts, our lovely Riverclub flat still sits empty. No rental income (which we are relying on to live off) and of course it means we need to cover the levy, rates and our own Eieknhof rental this month. *Gulp number 2*.  

Now, perhaps, if I was outside looking in at The Kriges and their sticky situation I would have thought: 'If you were crazy (unwise/irresponsible) enough to make this move without having everything in place then why are you surprised?' and maybe even 'Get yourselves out of this mess (you heard wrong/ you left too much to God or chance)...'. And maybe I'd be justified in thinking this. But that would be putting a full stop where God has simply put a comma. Because despite our seemingly dismal circumstances, despite being on a knife's edge and unsure ourselves if we heard wrong/prayed too little/were unwise... God was not done. Sean and I prayed on Thursday night. I prayed (and cried) on Friday morning. And as only God can, He threw us a lifeline when we needed it!

A Fork

For us (or at least me), Thursday going into Friday found us at a fork in the road. We have moved. We are here. But we know that without financial provision, we are pretty stuck. Again I found myself praying that fool or not, God would just show us what He wants from us. If not here and this, then where and what? We prayed about our flat too. I have never before encountered such a closed door to something as I have with renting our flat out. I have blamed myself, questioned God and finally (slowly) accepted His way and His timing. This shut door has resulted in Sean and I taking a step back and asking if we are going in the wrong direction. It seems that God's complete silence in this regard has actually been a loud shout and an answer to my prayer of His will being done. We are looking into an alternative way to rent our flat out without us being tied down and although we will get out less rental, it comes with low/no risk and is long term. *Breathe in*. On Friday Sean also got paid out for his leave; a lot more than we though. *Breathe out*. Two lifelines that I so desperately needed and which gave me the strength to keep on keeping on.  

A Dog Named Jake

On Saturday we camped in our friends' garden, on a plot, in Walkerville. It was such a special time for us as a family, with our boys and with friends.  We have been looking around for a Jack Russell and a Staffie puppy (or young dog) to add to our family. On Sunday, we came home with Jake Krige II (aka Jake Jake), our new addition to the Krige family! A dog to catch snakes and rats, a playmate for the boys, a pair of alert ears at night, but for me especially, a whisper from God: 'You're okay, trust Me, have faith, even if things don't look like you think they should. Even if you don't understand. Even if you can't see how things will work out. Just trust Me.'

I need so much grace. From God, from my little family, from our wider family and from friends. In needing this grace myself, I find it becoming easier to give it (even perhaps when it isn't due). But this is a story for another time.

Do I think we have been crazy? unwise? foolish? irresponsible? No. We have prayed, we have sought, we have listened, we have trusted and WE ARE HERE. There is no going back. There is no plan B. There is only God, His will, His ways and our willingness to let Him do what He does best- be God!

Sean and Jake, our new addition to the family

02 May

I started the above post about a week ago. Since then I have looked at our finances in detail, which I do weekly. God got us through April with all the unforeseen costs. And by His grace and the generosity of our family, unexpected blessings from friends and monthly sponsors we are fully provided for in May. I am definitely learning the meaning of Our Daily Bread. So grateful...

Wide Open Spaces...

I drafted my last post just a couple days before our family relocation to Walkerville (3 weeks ago to the day), and so obviously quite a significant amount of emotional water has passed under the bridge since then. I say emotional, because i think anytime one goes through a major life event or decision, our emotions are always heightened, and rarely predictable...

In all honesty, i didn't know what to expect from a 'feelings' point of view after our move, other than the obvious excitement and trepidation associated with a new home (down south!) and an unknown path lying ahead of us. One feeling however that has remained with me since our arrival on the farm, is that of disbelief... Disbelief at just how incredibly beautiful our surroundings are, and that we have a 180 degree backyard panoramic view, of seemingly endless fields of green! (daybreak view below)

Funny enough, since the beginning of 2014, Dannean continuously spoke about 'wide open spaces' being something she felt in her spirit, and that it might have relevance to our future move... Well, how about 200 hectares of the greenest 'wide open space' you've ever seen - hahaha!!

Another feeling i currently harbour, is one of overwhelming gratefulness to God... Not only for the picture frame view and surroundings we find ourselves in, but for those people who have welcomed and surrounded us with such love, kindness and generosity. Greg & Charmaine Hart, Joe & Lorenzo Delauretis, Stephen & Bianca Poleman, and Vernon & Cristie Mitchell to name but a few... It really was something we never counted on or considering in planning our move, but to have received such wonderful support these past few weeks, has meant so much to Dannean & I. God really has made his people to be the tangible expression of his love and grace... Thank you Saints!

The last feeling i would like to share (at the risk of appearing to be overly in touch with my feminine side!), is that of childlike joy... Which over and above what i have already mentioned, almost certainly has as its source, me being in between jobs at the moment (in waiting on the Hope Factory's proposed offer of part-time mentorship) and having oodles of time to play the entrepreneur with 'Mbuzi' (Swahili for goat) - pictured here below... 

Mbuzi is my newly branded motorised bike, fitted with a 48cc engine onto Africa's toughest bicycle (according to the manufacturers). This concept, although as old as the motorbike itself, has held my attention (over the past 18 months) for 1 reason in particular... South Africa is a country in desperate need of alternative / improved public transport solutions. And so, with Mbuzi's range of 80-100km's on 2 litres of petrol, a top speed of 50km's an hour, and a price tag of only R4,000 - i'm hoping that he'll be it!

On a final note, and although it is still very early days, a huge thank you to my amazing family (wife!) for choosing to go on this wonderful adventure with me, and of course to our dear friends who have partnered with us in prayer, emotional and financial support - thank you from the bottom of my heart - i really do feel like the luckiest man alive! ps. there's always wine and a sunset at our new home, so for anyone in need of either or both, please do pay us a visit! (40km's south on the N1 from William Nicol off ramp)

'I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!' Psalm 27v13-14.

Just. Simply. Be

The craziness and busyness have ended: decison making, prayer and fasting over our future, planning, organising, packing, moving, cleaning, unpacking... All done. Of course we still have lose ends to tie up and much faith needed as we look for God's provision but the actual hard slog of getting here is all over. And I am content. I am finding joyful moments; sunshine on my face and the wide open spaces that I felt God speak to me about in July 2014. Yet, I feel like I am coming 'unstuck'. By this I don't mean I am falling apart. By this I mean, in the lack of me needing to plan, pack and organise, I find myself feeling utterly useless, purposeless and somewhat directionless. Not feelings that I expected to be confronted with this side of our journey. I am a doer by nature. Which makes me efficient and organised -yes- but does not alway endear me to those who are more feelers than doers (read: my wonderful husband). I have been and will continue to be praying that God will show me my purpose in this new life we have chosen. Purpose that goes beyond being wife and helper to Sean, mom and homeschooler to our boys, daughter, sister, friend... But today, for just one moment, I had a thought. I thought that perhaps my very own direction and purpose right now is to just. simply. be.  To let go of the pressure I place on me to do do do and to have something to show for my moments, days and weeks and to just be. To enjoy the blessing of my surroundings, the newness of it all and to simply abide in Him. Although it goes against my natural tendency, and of course I am still a wife, mom, daughter, sister and friend... I am also just me. And the best me I can be is found in me abiding in Him. 

WE. HAVE. ARRIVED!

WE. HAVE. ARRIVED!

It has been nearly two weeks since we arrived at our new house, on a farm, in Eikenhof (close to Walkerville). We have unpacked all our boxes and home is beginning to feel less like a holiday and more like, well, home! The move day went smoothly. The movers were a wonderful family run business called AJ10 removals (highly competitive prices and we would definitely recommend them).  It was hard to say goodbye and tears flowed as I drove with the boys out of our gates and away from the only life they have known and, to be honest, the only life and community that I have really known.

Once we arrived at our new spot there was just too much to be done to feel sad again.  All hands were on deck to help unpack, clean, scrub, paint... We were so unbelievably blessed by family and three special couples who arrived bearing fresh food, freezer meals, treats and dinner! We only know three couples this side and we have been totally blown away by the love, support and kindness we have been shown. We could not have asked for a more embracing welcome to our new home and new community and life. On this note I want to take a quick moment to publically thank all those who helped us in so many different ways; from looking after our boys (in the midst of the emotion and chaos) while I packed, moved and unpacked to helping us physically pack and move and then clean, scrub and paint. And of course, a thank you to our family and friends who sent and continue to send messages of love, care and support!

Back to move day...

Sean spent much of our moving day taking photos and staring at our amazing view. We truly are blessed to be on a farm, wide open spaces all around and yet not far from city life.  Our first night was so quiet that Sean and I both kept waking up to listen... to the sound of nothing! It has certainly required a mindset change moving from our second floor flat to a big house on a farm.  Actually my big fear before we moved was that I was going to feel fearful here (I didn't feel it yet but I was scared of feeling scared... if that makes sense).  God has an amazing (kind) way of help me in my fear and faith struggle.  Firstly, we thought we were coming to two dogs and an alarm system.  But that was not to be.  We knew before hand that the dogs were gone but we arrived to a disabled alarm system (and both the farm owner and his son leaving for a week's holiday).  However, on night one, while friends prayed for us and for our protection I had a picture of angel's wings fully covering our whole house... so much so that it was only wings that I could see and no house at all.  So night one, 3am, after trying to listen out for whatever it was I thought I should listen out for, I finally made the decision to trust the special picture as a promise from God and I went to sleep.

Tristan and Connor have adjusted quickly and so well!  I guess it would be hard for them to pine for our previous home. Here they have so much space, both inside and outside.  They play up a storm and love digging, loading, riding and just being totally free.  Easter was a treat as there were so many fun places to hide eggs!

As for me, I am adjusting.  I have cleaned, steamed, scrubbed, scraped and cleaned some more.  I have no regrets about our move and love our environment.  I fully believe we are in God's will and I am glad that we didn't wait for everything to be in place before we moved.  We are still trying to find a tenant for our flat - something I find hard, not only because of the financial implications but also because the thought of our special home standing open makes me a bit heartsore. Sean is going full steam ahead with his motorised bicycle concept and although he has not finalised anything, there are some ad hoc work prospects in the pipeline. I guess the truth is that I am clinging to God and His promises and faithfulness with all my might... It's either that He comes through, or we find ourselves in a pretty precarious financial position.  But my money is definitely on His faithfulness.  And despite my 99% caution rating, I am so glad that we are here; that we put everything (our faith, pride, finances, selves) on the line and have taken this leap of faith.  The hard part was making the decision to do this.  I am no longer scared.  Now, as from the image Sean felt God give him, it is just a case of strapping ourselves into the roller coaster, letting God have the controls, holding on tight and enjoying the ride. Wheeeeee!!! (And eeeeeeek!!!)

A photo outside our special home
on moving day

Sean and the boys with his exciting
new motorised transport concept 

Our amazing view at sunrise

 Wide open spaces

Watching the boys as they play...
What a view!