Am I Enough?

Am I enough?

This question has been spinning around my head and weighing in on my heart this evening as I look back on my Monday and reflect on my day. Am I enough? I think, if I am honest, this question has probably been around my heart for many years, not just a few hours. I think it perfectly captures all the thoughts I have started blogging about and then changing and redirecting in my head (yes, I do that. I blog in my head a bit and then put it in writing). 

Am I enough?

The reason why today these words have really caught hold of me is that for the first time in a long while, I actually sat back and thought "What do I DO all day? What do I have to show for my time?" Yes, I keep two very active boys alive, feed them, clean cuts and give hugs. Today we also read books, cleaned the garden, played with puzzles and I made homemade bread. But really? Is that all? I realise my formal homeschooling has not begun yet but on a day like today with no shopping, no internet access (and little admin to do anyway), I felt pretty useless. And this brings me back to the question, Am I enough? Me, not what I do or don't do in a day. Just me. Minus the wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend label. Is who I am, as Dannean, enough?

I think so. I hope so. But right now, I don't really know.

A recent in-my-head blog post that I started was around the topic of apologising. In this I considered what I have learnt, am still learning and need to learn not to apologise for. I say sorry A LOT. As I was thinking about the words 'Am I enough' I realised that this so closely links to the things I still need to learn not to apologise for. These things interestingly fit into three perfect categories for me: my home, my social environement and my family. This is what I mean:

I am a bit of a perfectionist in general. I like a clean house and a comfortable and practical living space. Like any woman, I also like nice and pretty things. Let me start by saying that we are blessed to have everything we need. But it would be really nice to have a dining room table that we could use as a dining room table and not a work space. To have a set of unpeeling dining room chairs and an easy-on-the-eye coffee table (these were, I may add, given to us in excellent condition several years ago by friends). When people come for lunch or dinner, we eat around the coffee table. What is funny to me is that when we lived in our flat, this never bothered me. It was just how it was. But now it feels so impractical.  We have done it; had five people eating around our coffee table. And I am sure I apologised for it.

Since we moved into a much bigger house, I have realised how much is ingrained in me, as a woman. My desire to now decorate and 'make pretty' and be able to show off my house like a prized painting. I didn't even realise that a part of me felt this was my 'right'.  Of course, there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a nice place to live, a pretty house and nice things. But this is not the focus of our move or life change. And this is not, for many reasons (only some of it financial), the time. So I have been thinking: 'Does all this really matter?' Does it matter that we all eat around our peeling coffee table; cosily squished together, food mostly on our laps? Surely it is more important that when people visit they feel welcomed, loved and wanted, not that my house is a vision of beauty and perfection? In other words, peeling chairs and coffee table dinner dates aside, am I enough that people could see past the imperfections of our house and feel loved and welcomed anyway? By me. Just me? Or more importantly, can I look past the imperfections and seeming impracticalities and allow myself, just as I am, to be enough?

It seems to be celebration season at the moment with birthdays and baby showers and many other fun celebrations happening. I love celebrating with friends and family. The reality is, however, that we have a R200 present budget. For the month. The entire month. For every single celebration that may come along. This past month we had a party every single weekend plus it was Sean's birthday near the end of April (May's present budget). I don't think I have to explain that when R200 is divided by about 6 it does not equate to very much present money per friend. And to be honest, we budget for everything (!) so it is not just a simple case of shifting some things around to spend more here and less there. My point is this, I feel guilty? bad? sad? less than a good friend? when my love and care for a friend (or their little one) cannot equate into what would be seen as a significant gift. I feel bad for my kids when they gleefully hand over a teeny tiny thought present to their friend which inevitably gets lost in amongst the large expensive ones and which (let's admit) is nowhere near as exciting. (This being said I was so blessed to see two little friends recently wearing our birthday gifts and looking gorgeous in them). Let me just clarify something... This is not anyone else's issue but mine! I have never been looked down upon by friends for giving a small baby shower gift or birthday gift to their kids. It is simply my own feelings. Would I like to be able to spend more? Sometimes (on the big people). Can I? Not at this stage. So the question again: Am I enough? Am I enough that my friends, family, friends' kids can look beyond the money value that the gift holds to the heart behind who is giving it? More importantly, can I look beyond the money value of the gift? Can I trust my own heart and allow myself, just as I am, to be enough?

Lastly, of course is something relating to our boys. Tristan turned 4 in January. He already wears a size 11 shoe and 5-6 clothing. I feel like every time I look away he grows a bit more and outgrows more clothing. To be honest, it is hard to keep up with him. His t-shirts fit but are too short. He has a real mishmash of odds and ends in his cupboard. And that is okay for farm life. And in theory it is okay for all life. But I cannot help feel just a little bit guilty when we are out and about with friends and my kids look like, well, farm kids while all the other kids look like mini models for Jet, Edgar's and Woolies. I don't mean designer, I just mean, their clothes actually fit them. Unlike my little guy who either wears things that are too short (while I wait for him to grow through the transition phase) or two sizes too big (because I won't buy something now that he will grow out of in two months time). And let's not even mention Connor aka The Hand Me Down Kid. Again, no one has ever commented or made me feel like this is an issue. This is entirely my own 'thing' and my own guilt. And I ask again. Am I enough? Am I enough that anyone looking from the outside in, will know that our boys are loved and treasured and the very reason their clothes are not perfect is because they have both their parents investing huge amounts of time and love into them? Can I look past short t-shirts and hand me downs and trust that what I, and more importantly I pray God, is investing into their hearts and characters far outweighs any material items they could possess?

Am I enough?

In reflecting on this I think I would be safe to say that I am not alone. Especially as a woman. Working mums, stay home mums, single mums, not-yet-mums, married, unmarried, high powered jobs, less powered jobs, retired, introverts, extroverts, owners, renters, financially stable, financially struggling...  Don't we all wonder at some point if we are enough? 

I wish there was a simple equation of x +y = z. In other words, do this, say this, pray this and you will know that you are enough. But truth be told, this is a question that I feel no one else can settle or answer for me or for any of us. It is a journey we all have to undertake. Perhaps even a lonely life time journey. In the end I feel that I am truly the only one who can decide if, just as I am, I am enough.