Living with the 'Dreaded D'

*death* *divorce* *drug abuse* *diabetes* *disability*
   *drinking*  *danger* *despair* *disaster* 
*dizziness* *defeat* *deprivation* 
*despondency* *delirium* 
*disillusionment* 
*distress*

Interesting to see how many potentially 'dreaded' words actually start with the letter 'd'. And any of these could be what I refer to when I say 'living with the Dreaded D'. But none of these are my 'Dreaded D' word.  When I speak of living with the 'Dreaded D' I am in fact referring to another D word (and here goes; deep breath):

depression

There it is. In black and white. What was hidden is now out in the open. 

Depression. A word that many misunderstand, a word that comes packed with heavy judgement and stigmas. And for these 3 reasons (misunderstanding, judgement,stigma) I have felt prompted to share my journey with depression. I am not one to 'air my dirty laundry' in public (so to speak) but over the last while, when considering my next blog post, I knew that this would be what I would write about.  

Recently this quote (on the left), and others like it, have appeared frequently on my Facebook feed.  I think 2016 has been a hard year for many people and in this way I feel that for most, this phrase comes loaded with a certain amount of pain and disappointment. For me, however, when I look back at where I was a year ago (almost to the day) I was in the deepest part of the greyness of my depression; terrible sleep, exceptionally high anxiety and not yet on medication.  So for me these words are a refreshing reminder of just how far I have come in the year since I was 're-medicated'.

Those close to me will know that depression is something I have lived with for quite a few years now. I was first officially diagnosed with depression in 2005 but when I look back, even to before this time, I can see hints and suggestions that depression may have been around a little bit longer (possibly even since 1997). My first year out of school and into University was a year full of newness and sadness and excitement and many mixed emotions.  Let me just clarify; I made amazing friends and loved university life but in 1997, there were many significant shifts and changes that happened and when I look back now, I can see more clearly that even then the grey cloud of depression was already a companion.

I know I know, why only now a year of medication when I was first diagnosed in 2005? Well I was always very faithful in taking my medication but after a significant time (each time) I would, with my doctor's go ahead, wean myself off. Being off medication would work well for me, for a time. I am one of the lucky ones; I do not truly suffer from depression. What I mean by this is that when I am on the right medicine I am back to myself and feel good and healthy in all ways. I have dear friends who, despite medication, really still struggle daily with their depression. So I would be on medication and then, with the doctor's permission, come off again.  To be honest, I don't really know why I always chose to come off (fear of judgement or stigma perhaps?).  

I seem to be one of those people whose depression is triggered by big change; post natal depression a year after Tristan was born (apparently this is very common), the death of my dad and then more recently our big move last year. Please don't get me wrong. I love every bit of the decision we made to move out of the city and to live a simpler life. I have never regretted a single moment of this move. Unfortunately I couldn't quite get my heart and my physical body to come on board in the same way (*😉*).

Before suffering from depression myself, I must confess that I was one of those people who thought depression was an emotion that could be overcome simply with right thinking. I wondered why people couldn't just 'pull themselves towards themselves' and 'get over it'. Gosh, how totally naive and insensitive! Only now that I have felt the very real mental, emotional and more especially physiological effects of depression can I fully relate and empathise.  Before going back on medication again last year, I did pray that God would take this from me. I tried to change my diet, tried more exercise and so on. But in the end, when Sean looked at me and said that he could see I had tried but was struggling, I knew it was time for another doctor's visit. Fast forward to today and I have been on depression medication for almost a whole year. What a relief is all I can say! I am so thankful for modern medicine!

I feel led to address a few misunderstandings about depression that I have come across.   One of them is who is likely to have depression.  I know many amazing women who are on medication. And to be honest, if you met any of us you would most likely never imagine that we suffer (some much more than others) with this illness. We are smiley and happy and friendly. We are social, loving and empathetic. Depression doesn't have a personality type. And this brings me to the second misunderstanding; a misunderstanding that I myself carried for far too long.  Just like diabetes or heart disease are physical illnesses, depression is just as much a physical illness that may affect anyone at any time.  Medication doesn't make us 'high' or unnaturally happy.  For me, medication simply helps me to feel like me and to be the best me that I can be.  Of course the thing about depression is that, sadly, the physical manifestation of the illness can result in struggles that are not just physical but emotional and mental too.  

What I won't go into now is anything related to depression and Christianity. This is not my area of expertise and I imagine the views are far and wide. What I will say is that I love the Lord and I have depression. I have prayed and I feel total peace about being on medication. And yes I have prayed that God would heal me (as I have and would pray if I had any other illness). But even as I write this I can see that God has always had a plan and that perhaps by me sharing some of my own journey, someone else will feel free to share theirs (or to get some help if they haven't already).

And now for the greatest challenge that I have ever faced in all my years of depression.
The STIGMA.
Oh my goodness, the stigma of depression is like the hugest, most daunting mountain. And for this reason, before last year, I hardly told anyone about my diagnosis or that I was on medication.  The most ironic thing is that my OWN stigma about my OWN depression far exceeded anything anyone else could throw at me.  Thoughts like: 

I am weak 

I obviously cannot manage life very well

I am a failure
What will people think of me?

What kind of a wife/mother/friend can I be? and so on and so on.  

Now if I had diabetes what kind of crazy thoughts would these be? And this is also the reason that when I went back on medication at the end of 2015 I decided it was time to get over my own stigmatised ideas of depression.  For the first time ever I decided to be open and honest about my struggle and the response I got was simply amazing and totally supportive.  I now even joke on occasion with Sean by saying: "Don't worry I am on medication" (and we both laugh) when something slightly stressful or out of the ordinary comes up. And I don't mean this disrespectfully and flippantly.  I meant this in the way that medication has helped me feel just like me again. And the me that I am is more laid back, takes more in my stride, is not highly anxious, does not have a grey cloud living in her head, laughs and smiles and jokes...

So there it is. An honest confession and a baring of some of the more personal aspects of my life. Part of my reason for sharing this is my continuing desire to unstigmatise my own illness for myself. Another part is because, perhaps by sharing this, there are more people who will feel like they can also be open to sharing with the safe people in their lives. There may be someone who, like I once did, thinks that their friend/ partner/family member should just 'get over it' and perhaps now they realise that you don't just get over a physical illness, especially one like depression.  Perhaps there is even someone reading this who thinks they may be depressed or who should be on medication but the stigma of it all is just too much.

I don't know. I do know that it took me 6 months to write this post and even if I wrote it for no other reason but to have put myself out there, in a place of vulnerability, it will be worth it. I do pray though that the people who may read this will be, for whatever reasons, the ones who need to.

Now to press 'publish' and 'share'.
*Gulp*
*Deep breath*

10 December 2016
I have had a quick reread of my blog post (as I always do before hitting publish). I would just like to say that what I have written here is solely my own experience and my own thoughts and feelings on depression. I am in no ways a medical professional and my only expertise in this area come from living my own form of depression myself.  I would also never suggest coming off medication at any time without the advice of a medical professional.  

Okay, now time to hit publish!