Red pill, blue pill?

One of the primary reasons for this blog, is nothing more than a story book for our family in years to come. I mean, we all love a good story right, but what could be better than a good story, that actually happened, and you're in the cast! Well on that note, our story was beginning to sound a little bit scary at the conclusion of my previous post, and here we are, 4 months later with an update due. In true left brain fashion, please forgive me for simply copying the points from my previous post and pasted them below, along with a corresponding update...

- My work with The Hope Factory has all but dried up. To date this has covered about 60% of our living expenses

Update: What I didn't mention at the time, was that in December an old church friend of mine had popped around for a catch-up, and a couple days later we received R40k in our bank account - go figure! Other than being totally humbled and inspired by my mate's generosity, I couldn't help but marvel at how this absolutely 'out of the blue' donation carried us through the 1st 3 months of the year, with my work at the Hope Factory recommencing in April (just as the money ran out). Thank Timo and Lindsey for being Gods bankers!

- Our Sandton flat rental, which makes up another 30% of the budget, is unoccupied as i speak.

Update: I write this update with a smile on my face... Because despite being on our 3rd set of tenants in 12 months, we have never had a month without rent, which is exactly what God promised Dannean when we undertook to rent out our flat - knowing that just one month without rental income would break our budget... 

- The 10 or so family and friends who have been contributing to our budget will be closing the taps as of March

Update: This has come and gone, and we cannot thank our dear family and friends enough for supporting us like they did for the past 12 months. And although it was a little tempting when offered continued support for another year by some, we just felt that to do so would not be in a spirit of faith, but instead one of reliance. And so the R6k hole that was left in our budget has been primarily addressed through our revised 'faith' budget, which in case you were wondering, is a budget that moves from policy protection to faith prevention... Or said another way, if you believed nothing could go wrong in your life that God couldn't take care of, you wouldn't really need to insure it right. You get the picture. Included below is a pic of 3 of our donors who could make our thank you dinner - Jason & Rene Goldberg and Nicky van der Westhuizen - thank you!

To Luke & Maureen Krige, Nick & Katherine York, Grant & Mel Webber, Arnie & Chantel Swiegers, Danny & Ruth Tanser, Lorenzo & Jo Delaurentis, Elaine Dougherty, Alice & Paul Schoolman, Angie Goodrich, Tim and Lindsey Greenway - Thank you! (and we missed your dearly)

- I have not received much interest as regards funding of the motorized bicycle business, which i had hoped would be up and running by now

After JZ's finance minister fiasco, and the associated plummeting Rand a couple months back, the bicycle business was , and still is, a non starter! (Importing dollar denominated parts from China doesn't work on a weak Rand). This was sad for me, but if I'm honest about the amount of effort and energy it would have taken to start and maintain such a business, I can't help but think that God really did answer our prayers - all be it not according to our script. A personal thank you to Greg Byron for your generosity and faith in sowing into the business concept. I know God will repay you handsomely.

- Dannean is planning her 1st full year of homeschooling Tristan and Connor this year, which is obviously something she has never done before (teach yes, home-school no), and there is a great difference between the 2 we have discovered!

To our surprise and joy, home schooling thus far has been a wonderful addition. Dannean is thoroughly enjoying being a part of the boys developmental journey, and to be able to do so in these formative years, is leaving us more and more convinced of the merits thereof. How exactly she schools the 2 boys - aka the 'tsotsi's - with Izabella-Joy on her hip, remains a mystery to me, and a sure sign of super human attributes! I must add that a weekly highlight for me, is to over hear the boys taking their zulu class with Thembi (our zulu nanny), and counting to 10 in zulu as fluently as they do in english - Heibo!

- We continue to wait on Loftie, our adoption social worker, to identify an adoptable baby daughter for our family, who when she arrives (which could be anytime) will be added to the stormy waters above!

Where do I start!? Well, they say a picture says a thousand words, so I'll save you the reading with a photo (albeit a non close up, given that our little adopted princess still falls in the mandatory 90 days legal notice). Izabella-Joy (Izzy) has been with us for just over a month now, and has all of us totally smitten! We thank God for adding her to our family, which while on one hand was a journey filled with much emotion, on the other hand the manner in which our prayers were answered was honestly breathtaking! (something i'm sure Dannean will write about in her next post).

Other developments...

- I continue to explore farming possibilities, having had great fun growing and cooking a variety of our own vegetables these past 6 months. I have also recently completed a course entitled 'Farming Gods Way' with my Malawian friend Ian (he works on the farm), and hope to see how this amazing course can be more widely promoted and facilitated as a ground breaking alternative to the current farming techniques and practices in sub Saharan Africa.

- I have become involved in the leadership of the compassionate action ministry within our local church, and hope to see this facilitate real influence in meeting the endless list of needs prevailing in many of the informal settlements and communities in the south of Jo'burg. I must however add, that the meeting of these needs is without a doubt best done within the context of a personal relationship wherever possible, as where this is absent, the need remains a problem to be solved, and not a person to be loved. I was reminded of this afresh this past weekend, while celebrating with Thembi (our nanny) the arrival of electricty to her home (shack). My hope is that all our kids will grow up not knowing or caring for the difference between race, income or culture!

- Since the beginning of the year I have been involved in a little pet project set on developing a 'discipleship in a box' solution to a problem that continues to plague the church at large i believe - that problem being the challenge associated with making and releasing biblical disciples. This remains my greatest passion at present, and while it doesn't pay the bills this side of eternity (sorry babes!), i really hope it will on the other side!

On a parting note, I would say my greatest lesson since my last blog post, is that things often don't work out as expected, and therein lies a choice... One option is to exercise our right to make a plan, or solve the problem. This would seem the correct answer at face value, I mean doesn't solving problems constitute about half of our waking hours?! This is true, but I would add it depends what kind of problem it is... For example, if it's needing to change the baby's nappy or your car tyre, there's not much more to do than that. 

However, when the problem has to do with how we want life to work out, or line up with our goals and plans, that's a different story entirely. From a young age, most of us had (and continue to have) it drummed into our heads, that unless you know where you're going, and how you're going to get there, you're not going to 'make it'. The problem with this however, is that no one ever really defines what 'making it' (outside of making money), really is??

Well, here's one for the record... I can truly say, that it is by nothing other than the grace of God, that we are starting to discover what 'making it' actually is... And let me assure you, that if you had given Dannean and I my updated definition (below) on our wedding day 9 years ago, we would have both probably died of fright or laughter! (I'm not quite sure which one).

'Making it' in my opinion, is...

 - Challenging the status quo, not to be different, but to make a difference...
 - Walking away from safety where it fuels ignorance, pessimism or fear...
 - Living by faith, a faith that could cost you your salary, pension, position, reputation (basically anything more important to you than Jesus)
 - Being the change you want to see in your community / country...
 - Understanding that character is built on the journey, never at a destination...
 - Being honest to your convictions, despite what people think or say...

 - In a nutshell, Taking the red pill... (Jesus called it losing your life, so that you could find real life)

LOVE!

Adoption: the Tragedy and Privilege

I was going to call this post  'The heart of an adoptive mom - to - be'.  But then I thought about it and realised, I am already a mom. A mom to two gorgeous boys. Our little girl to be is not going to make me a mom. She is simply going to add to the beauty and blessing of what I already am.

A little pair of Princess shoes: these sit between a mom and her
 two boys and a family of four in our bedroom. A reminder of our
beautiful addition to come!

For the sake of anyone who has not seen our news on Facebook and for the fact that this blog is really also a precious record of my own thoughts and journey, I would like to back track a bit. To the part about adoption. For as long as I can remember I have always wanted to adopt. Sean and I had the discussion in our premarital counselling and it was wonderful to know that his heart was aligned with mine in this area. Fast forward to 2014; nearly 7 years of marriage and two little boys later... I always knew that I was not going to be a mom of 2. I come from a family of 4 and I love the idea of a bigger family. When Sean and I started the conversation about children again (Connor had just turned 1) it was clear that my husband was leaving the ball in my court as to whether we tried for a third biological child or whether we adopted. Wow! For a mom who loved being pregnant, who loved both (natural) births and adores tiny babies, it was a tough call. I did a lot of praying. A lot of crying. A lot of soul searching. And I realised a few things: 1. I really want a little girl 2. I have always wanted to adopt 3. Yes, I loved the experience of pregnancy and birth but I also loved the experience of getting married and that was not something I was going to do over and over again. And so it was that the seed of adoption, that had been planted many years before, started growing.

Pink shoes in our dining room

Many of the specific details between 2014 and now are rather inconsequential. Our initial time frame was to adopt early in 2015, but with our major lifestyle and financial changes this was put on hold. Until recently. We have already met with a private social worker, done the ground work and given her all the necessary documents. And now, we wait. Not long ago our adoption journey took a big leap forward.  It has been both a very special and yet challenging time for my mommy heart. Special in that, as a family, we have gotten to share our family news about our sweet princess (who still remains unknown to us) and have received such an outpouring of love and support. Challenging... For quite a few reasons, some of which were expected and some of which took me by surprise. These are what I would like to share...

Longing: I was incredibly blessed to bond immediately with both my boys when they were still in the womb. But from the time I shared my decision to adopt our little girl,with Sean, my longing for this daughter of ours has been indescribable. There are days where my arms have ached with the longing to hold her and kiss her sweet face. There are times when I think my heart is going to explode with love and anticipation. Although I have not met her in person yet, I feel that my spirit is completely connected to our little girl. I pray for her all the time. I long for her to 'know' that she is already loved and longed for by her family. This family.

Feeling invisible: Let me start by saying that I am incredibly grateful for the outpouring of love and support that we have received from both family and friends, near and far. I am also especially thankful to Alexa and Jackie who, between them, are walking or have walked this journey themselves. They have been my counselors, cheerleaders, helpers and prayer warriors in this. But I also have to admit that at times I feel incredibly lonely. And totally invisible. Why do I say this? Well, I guess because in a biological pregnancy there is a bump to show, movements to feel, scans to look at. There is an outward presence which clearly points to an inward miracle and that reflects heartfelt feelings and emotions. I do not have any outward 'pregnancy' signs but what is happening and changing and growing inside of my heart and emotions (and that of my family) is just as beautiful, miraculous and life changing. I do want to be asked how I am, about how I feel and how we are planning for the changes to come. I may not have the baby bump and any other outward signs but I carry our daughter heavily in my mommy heart.

Grief: This was something that took me completely by surprise. Not so long ago, I went through some time when I felt a grief as intense as I did when my dad died. It took me a while to understand that I was grieving two very different things. Firstly (and again rather surprisingly) I grieved the biological child we had chosen NOT to have.  It seemed strange at the time to grieve for someone who we never intended to bring into this world biologically. But in hind sight, it makes a bit more sense to me now. Secondly, my grief centered around not being the one to carry this daughter in my womb and not being the mom to help bring her into this world. Of course, again, perhaps this seems hard to get one's head around. She wouldn't be THIS daughter if I was the one to carry and birth her. I know grief to be a strange thing and I simply accepted it for what it was and let myself feel the emotions that were there.

Birth mom: I have read, reread and memorised this quote by Jody Landers. For me it sums up everything I feel about the beauty of gain and the pain of loss in an adoption story. I think a lot about our daughter's 'tummy' or birth mom. And I pray for her too. As a mom myself I can think of no greater love nor sacrifice than to hand over a child to be mothered by another, however this 'hand over' looks. We do not know our daughter's adoption story yet. And even when we do, it will be hers and hers alone to share. But what I do know is that the privilege of being our daughter's mommy will only come from the tragedy of another mommy's heart breaking choice. And because of that, our mommy hearts will forever be connected by the invisible cord that we call 'mom'.

So, as we wait in much faith and anticipation for the Joy of our daughter who is to come, I take comfort in doing what I can to continue to prepare for her; mentally, emotionally, spiritually and now more than ever, practically and physically.  We have placed little pairs of shoes in a few strategic places in our house. These keep us thinking of her and praying for her. They also help make what is unseen, more tangible. The wait feels long. But we know she will be worth it!                  
       

                                                   

                                                                         More Princess shoes in our lounge

You Make Me Brave

I don't think I've ever been as expectant for a new year as I am for 2016... My rationale in this regard however, is, how do I say, not so rational. There's a great account in the bible however, that helps me understand the rationale of irrational faith. I'm sure you know the story, the disciples are in the boat, in a very stormy sea...

"And in the fourth watch of the night he (Jesus) came to them, walking on the sea. 26 But when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were terrified, and said, “It is a ghost!” and they cried out in fear. 27 But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, “Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid.” 28 And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” 29 He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind,[c] he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” 31 Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” - Matt. 14 v25-31.

So Peter asks Jesus if he can get out of the boat, and come to him on the water. Mmm, that wasn't terribly rational if you think about it... In fact, it had no basis in reality whatsoever! But we all know that Peter does the impossible. The irresistible call and power of the God-man Jesus, standing before him on the waves, was enough for Peter to cast reality aside, and step out of the boat on that stormy night.

Here's my point. A new year always offers up time for us to press the reset button, about what we would like to see change or happen. Sometimes however (most times!), it feels like these things are just straight impossible or irrational. Not so with Jesus, because the God-man still stands on the waves before you and I today. 

With this in mind, and for us as a family, 2016 has had a pretty stormy start... 

• My work with The Hope Factory has all but dried up. To date this has covered about 60% of our living expenses
• Our Sandton flat rental, which makes up another 30% of the budget, is unoccupied as i speak
• The 10 or so family and friends who have been contributing to our budget will be closing the taps as of March
• I have not received much interest as regards funding of the motorized bicycle business, which i had hoped would be up and running by now
• Dannean is planning her 1st full year of homeschooling Tristan and Connor this year, which is obviously something she has never done before (teach yes, home-school no), and there is a great difference between the 2 we have discovered!
• We continue to wait on Loftie, our adoption social worker, to identify an adoptable baby daughter for our family, who when she arrives (which could be anytime) will be added to the stormy waters above!

I have often heard said, that of all the people in the bible, Peter offers more hope than most when it comes to being used and delivered by God, despite being an outspoken, over-confident, foot in mouth, fisherman. Lets just say me and Peter have a lot in common! So at times like this, when the the wind is howling and the waves are washing on board, God's word (the bible) reminds me that Peter got out of a boat, in a storm, and did the impossible. 

But not only that, it also tells me that before I expect the impossible, and do the irrational, I must ask myself... Will this step of 'faith' be taking me closer to Jesus? If not, well then I have faith, but it's not in the master of the universe! Peter only walked on the water because of who he was walking toward, and so it must be for you and I!

Time will tell (and my next post!) if we manage the impossible, but for now, my darling wife and I feel brave enough to get out of the boat... But only because of the one who beckons;

"Do not be afraid.. Come, O you of little faith"

LOVE

Finding Grace in the Battle Scars

Sometimes I feel like God is relentless with me. Actually, more than sometimes. Often! When I look back over my life there are quite a few moments where I ponder the necessity of having to struggle in the areas that I have struggled in. I wish I was one of those people who seem to breeze through life on butterfly wings; riding with the currents and going with the flow. But I am not. My life has been a roller coaster ride of twists and turns and ups and downs. Many times, I have questioned the purpose in the pain. And yet at the same time I am learning to see God's love and light in the hard, dark places.

I have been doing quite a lot of thinking lately, about some of the battles I have faced, wounds I have 'suffered' and the scars that remain. And I realise that through every trial and in all the dark places, God carried me and gave me the grace and strength to keep going. I can see, looking back (don't we love hindsight), that I learnt almost all of my toughest and most valuable lessons in the deep dark desert of despair. Here are three of those battles and the treasured lessons I learnt:

1. A wedding postponed
If you had asked me, after Sean and I got engaged, what my biggest fear was it would have been calling off a wedding. I could have thought of nothing more terrible, more humbling or more heart wrenching. And yet three months before our (first) planned wedding, a day after giving out my last wedding invitation, we "called off our wedding". Sean likes to add the dramatic element by saying we "called it off". I like to say, we postponed. But however you phrase it, one day our wedding date was set for 9 December 2006, the next day it was not. Apart from all the practicalities of telling our guests and cancelling venues and churches, as a woman I felt many deep and sore emotions. I felt ashamed (I did not have it 'together' enough to be getting married), I felt scared (would Sean and I make it through yet another hurdle?), I felt betrayed (God couldn't hold things together long enough for us to make it down the aisle). Added to all this was the fact that we had recently left our previous church and support network, and that Sean and I were still very much engaged and committed but trying to wade our way through turbulent waters. It was hard. It was sore. I was never one to have had my fairy tale wedding all worked out in my head by the age of 5 but still, this was not the way I had envisioned getting married would go.

30 June 2007

And then God stepped in.  He gave me promises that I held to when I felt like I was drowning. Promises from the Bible of new wine and new wine skins, about saving the best wine for last (as in the story of the wedding in Cana).  And our wedding day on June 30 2007 was perfect. In every way. It was a true celebration of what can be overcome and how two very different but totally committed people can be 100% united in love. We are passionate about marriage to this day and about helping other couples navigate the sometimes stormy waters that can rock any marriage boat.  I believe that Sean and I are still a testimony to what it looks like to fight (a good fight) for a great marriage.




2. A down syndrome diagnosis
I would have thought that maybe, after the trial of postponing a wedding, God could have been gentle with me and allowed the rest of marriage and family life to go smoothly. But that was not to be. After being diagnosed with polycystic ovaries I was unsure whether I could fall pregnant but after a few months of meds we were delighted when our home pregnancy test came out positive! My first scan at around 9 weeks went well and we shared our exciting news with family and then friends. At our 12 week scan we did all the big genetic tests, including those for down syndrome. I was only 31 so still young and (in theory) at low risk. However, the first slight abnormality was the nucal fold size (this is the measurement of the folds of skin at the back of the baby's neck). My baby's came in at slightly higher than normal. Not a problem as an isolated sign but we also could not see his nasal bone (another soft down syndrome sign). I then had to go have blood tests done (also routine) and by now was quite anxious about everything we had seen (or not seen). After having all the tests and measurements, most women my age would have a 1 in 'a few thousand'  risk of having a down syndrome baby. My risk came back as 1 in 310. Even remembering the overwhelming fear and emotion that I felt getting that news brings me to tears. Sean and I decided not to have an amnio at the time and to wait to see what we could see at the next scans. But I was shattered. My world felt shattered. Of all the things that I felt I would have to face in life, this was one I was totally unprepared for. After the 12 week scan I remember crying out and asking God why!? And all I heard were his gentle words "He is not a mistake". At our 16 or 20 week scan (I can't quite recall) we had two more soft signs; a calcium spot in the heart and more worryingly our baby only had a single umbilical artery (there should be two arteries and one vein going through the umbilical cord and one of his had calcified). My risk was now 1 in 250. Again we turned down the offer of an amnio. It is more conclusive then the scans and tests we had done but the risk of miscarriage is 1 in 150. And whatever the outcome, this baby was our son and terminating the pregnancy would never be a consideration. So while most first time moms only need space to think about baby clothes and nappies, I was thinking of baby clothes, nappies and down syndrome.

Tristan: only a few months old

Tristan April 2015

 I did a lot of crying. And asking. And praying. And I learnt some of my most treasured life lessons: firstly, our baby was not a mistake. Secondly, my idea of 'perfection' is different to God's idea and standard of perfection. And lastly, our little boy was going to be everything he was meant to be even if it didn't come 'packaged' in a perfect body.  Fast forward to 9:25pm on 29 January 2011 - welcome to the world our beautiful, perfect, healthy baby boy Tristan Louis Michael Krige.


3. The death of my dad
I was always a daddy's girl. I used to dress up in his clothes, I have his love for empty boxes (as well as planning and cautious driving) and when I was 2 years old he was the one who I insisted slept in hospital with me when I had my tonsils out. Later in life, through my parent's divorce, high school years and travelling in my twenties, our relationship ebbed and flowed. I had also become a mommy's girl but my dad held that daddy's place especially reserved in a daughter's heart. Ikey, as he was affectionately known by my cousins and also by my two boys, was never one to live life confined by society's ideas or ideals. Nothing could contain him, limit him or box him in. And he died the same way. Watching him die was possibly one of the most heart breaking , soul wrenching experiences I have faced. Yet I was one of the lucky few. I knew my dad was going to die. I got to see him. I got to say everything I wanted to and needed to say to him while he was still alive. Nothing was unspoken or unforgiven between us. I knew he loved me dearly and he knew I loved him deeply. Although I wasn't able to touch him in the last days of his life (something I still wish I could have done) our father-daughter relationship was as perfect as it could ever be. My dad died in the early hours of the morning on Thursday 4 July 2013. I only heard a bit later that morning (while I was on my way to see him again) but when I heard, I realised I had already known. In the early hours of that same morning I had woken up and had poured out my heart and soul over him in prayer.

Trist and Ikey 2011

Our dad and daughter dance 2007

I have no doubt that was exactly the time he left us. It took me over a year of heart wrenching grief before I felt my heart return to a new normal. I still miss my dad. Every single day. I wish he could see our boys growing up. I wish he could see our new life on the farm. He would love it! But despite all this, I know I am one of the lucky ones. I got to say everything I needed to. I got to say I love you and I got to say goodbye. My lesson in grief has been this: grief is not something to just 'get over'. I don't think I have or ever will truly 'get over' the loss of my dad. I have simply learnt to live with the space in my heart that he left.  This has been so helpful for me in the way I respond to other people's loss and grief. I am grateful for that.  As for my lesson in life... Life is full of final goodbyes.  This is the only guarantee I have. I pray I will keep remembering how it feels to have loved to the last and to have left nothing unspoken. May I always keep short accounts, forgive, let go of anger, say what is on my heart.

And the point in sharing all these (unrelated to our Walkerville Adventure) things? To be honest, I am not quite sure. Perhaps more as a reminder to me going forward that through every dark, scary, confused moment, even when nothing else was certain, I knew that was God was near, His love covered me and His grace would carry me through.

As Matt Redman so beautifully puts it:

"Our scars are a sign of grace in our lives,
And Father how you brought us through
When deep were the wounds and dark was the night
The promise of Your love You proved.
Now every battle still to come let this be our song:

It is well
With my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul".

Matt Redman - It Is Well With My Soul (Acoustic/Live) - YouTube

Some Big Lessons & Decisions! (part 1)

I can't believe it's been 4 months since my last post... 16 weeks, where did that go?? In fact, it reminds me of another 16 week period i spent skiing in Austria at the end of 2003, and some important lessons and big decisions that came out of that trip in particular. More about this in part 2 though.

So, what lessons and decisions am i talking about this time round? Wasn't relocating our family onto a farm 50km's south of Sandton a big enough decision? Apparently not. In fact, it actually reminds me of a saying I've used many times in the past... You can take the farmer out of the eastern cape (or almost any other province from that matter), but you can't take the eastern cape out of the farmer. And so it goes with me...

Security

I guess moving to a farm in the south wouldn't be complete without a breach in safety at some point, it just seemed that our breach came sooner than we'd expected! And so, as is now the case in almost every suburb and township in SA, a generous local removal service, transported my 2 bikes and a box load of tools, to an unclassified location (generous, because they were happy to do so free of charge) one Sunday morning. Jokes aside (although we can never really afford to stop joking in our country), D and i weren't laughing at the time, and you can get more on this from D's last blog post.

What was interesting for me however, was my knee jerk response. No, i did not get a gun, despite one of the unwritten rules of the south being (I'm sure), that a man without a gun and a dog is no man at all. What i did however do, was go into overdrive about trying to get our landlord to try fix our faulty electric fence, try get some tsotsi (criminal) eating dogs, and try install as many outdoor and indoor beams as we could afford. Please note, the emphasis being on the word try... Because as of today, we still have a broken electric fence, no man eating dogs, and not a single beam to boast of! And here was the lesson God has was teaching me... You don't really know what you trust in, until the squeeze is on, or said better by Robert Mckee;

“True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure - the greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature.”

Ouch! So what i need to add, is that at the very outset of our move to the farm, in fact i think it was day 1 for Dannean, and a couple days later for me, God gave us both a picture of a warrior angel having been posted on the roof of the house we are renting - coupled with a promise that no one would enter our house who was not welcome (more on God's promises below). It only then dawned on me, when my last ditch attempt at trying to get the beams installed failed, that maybe, just maybe, i was up against a force a wee bit greater than my or any tsotsi's best efforts. God was making it painfully clear, that He was the last person i was consulting on the matter of household security, despite Him having reassured us of our personal safety prior to the incident.

In my subsequent conversations with the Lord, it became increasingly clear that i had a pretty big trust issue, and we all know how healthy any relationship is without trust right? Fast forward today, and there have been no more breakins, probably because there's nothing else to steal at this point (ha-ha), and while i will be taking the necessary precautions with my workshop area in due course, the house on all accounts, remains God's property and problem - something i like to think i have come to terms with (but suppose I never really will know - until the next squeeze that is).

The Business

Leading on from the breakin, the latest developments in the motorized bicycle(less) business, are as follows... Remaining with good old Robert Mckee's quote above, it wasn't long after the security squeeze, that the identity and purpose squeeze kicked in. The what squeeze? Ok, let me explain... For anyone who has known me more than a couple hours, it's pretty easy to figure out, that I'm a relatively simple guy, with relatively normal guy issues. The 2nd question (after your name) you'll probably get from me (upon meeting), will almost certainly be, 'So Pete, what do you do'? This is basically man code for, who are you, how do think, what can you do, and how much money's in your bank account? In the majority, (disclaimer) if the chicks compare their waist lines, the guys compare their skills and influence. So, it really shouldn't come as a surprise to me, that the next lesson (in pretty rapid succession) should be that of, who exactly is Sean when he has no business or prospects? (i.e. no bikes and no money to do anything about that). Ouch!

Back to the quote... 'The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the characters essential nature'. And so the choice i have had to make (not want to make), has been to do nothing about the business, other than to wait. What? That sounds pathetic right? Are you really just going to roll over and die that easily? Yes. And here's why... Because Godly (not worldly) character is only really formed from a single starting point, and here it is;

Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. - John 12v24-25

Having just finished a book on humility by Andrew Murray, I can assure you the timing thereof was no coincidence, because as Andrew Murray puts it; 'To die to self, or come from under its power, is not, cannot be done, by any active resistance we can make to it by the powers of nature. The one true way of dying to self is the way of patience, meekness, humility, and resignation to God. This is the truth and perfection of dying to self, for if I ask you what the Lamb of God is and means, must you not tell me that it is and means the perfection of patience, meekness, humility, and resignation to God?'

Thank you Andrew for my Sunday school lesson, because it came as no surprise to me, that of all the virtues, patience, meekness, humility and self will, are the 4 i probably rank the lowest in! So what to do? What of the motorized bicycles? What of the very purpose of moving out of the city in the 1st place? Good questions... A wise man once said, 'If while drowning, all you're able to clutch at is straws, rather try and find the boat you fell out of in the 1st place!' To take the wise man's council, here is the promise that God gave D and I as we stepped out of our proverbial boat 6 months ago;

I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait (have patience) for the Lord ; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait (resign your will) for the Lord! - Psalm 27v13-14

So here's the lesson... When (not if) God calls you out of the boat, and tells you (like he did Peter) to walk upon the water, remember, he's not calling you out of the boat to walk on water, he's calling you out the boat to come to and become like him. Take my advise when I say, don't mix the 2 up, because it makes all the difference in understanding what God is doing in your life!!

A Promise

As mentioned above, God gave us a promise before our move down south, but for those of us who are wondering how exactly God gives these 'promises', allow me a moment to back up. Let's be honest, how do we even know it's actually God in the 1st place? How do we know it's not just our self will making up what we want to believe? Good questions... So here's a layman's attempt at trinitarian theology. God, the real GOD (as it is written in the Torah), is 3 persons in 1 - Father, Spirit, Son. By faith we believe that this 3-in-1 GOD takes up residence within the human body, in the form of His Spirit. God's Spirit and man's spirit essentially become one new spirit (hence the well covered and often abused phrase - you must be born again my dear!).

This new spirit also gives you an 'updated' set of faculties, in particular the ability to 'hear' and 'see' God at work. The primary and most reliable way to hear and see God, is to read the bible. And so, when I talk about this promise that God gave us, i am referring to an email i received from a friend of mine, with the previous scripture (Psalm 27v13-14) in it. More than that however, it came at a critical juncture in our lives last year, when we we're trying to decide if we were actually going to risk it all (by all i just mean my job and occupancy of our flat). The thing is, when my 'born again' spirit read that email, it literally felt as if God was shining a light down from heaven and saying, this piece of scripture, this promise, is from me for you (and your new future). I hope this makes some sense to anyone who was wondering if we simply eat too much pizza (and hence have funny dreams) in our house!

There's something else God is also teaching me about promises... And while this sounds relatively counter intuitive, it's actually pretty biblical, in fact so biblical, that God decided to use it as the ultimate test for the man he used to give birth to His own people (the nation of Israel). You see, when God asked Abraham to take his 10 year old son (Isaac) up the mountain (to sacrifice), God wasn't only suggesting to Abraham that he didn't have a problem with killing his son, He was also saying that He didn't have a problem killing off the very reason, the very dream, he had given Abraham in the 1st place... A dream that Abraham would be the Father of a nation, a multitude of people (starting with Isaac) as many as the stars in the sky and the grains of sand on the beach. So what's the lesson here?

God is that secure in himself, that He really doesn't have any problem coming across as a raving mad, murderous maniac, because he knows He isn't, and He doesn't need any friends. 

He's also crazy enough to risk being rejected by the very man whom the future of the entire nation of Israel hinges on! What? Why would God risk it? Here's what I think... Because God was allowing the father of our faith, Abraham, to set a standard of what God finds acceptable and righteous. So then, should we as Abraham's spiritual children, be surprised when God allows us to face the self same test, where the very promise that you know God has given you, is the very thing that He asks you to put on the alter of sacrifice?! No, because it's only when we give the promise back to God, that He knows we will use the promise for His glory, and that's when i believe we have our breakthrough (and get what God always promised he'd give us in the 1st place).

The Sabbath

One of my key resolutions with our move out of the city, was to hit the reset button on how I spent my time, or more specifically, what I spent my time doing. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't that i had time management issues, on the contrary, i prided myself in needing less sleep, and getting more things done than most people. No, the real issue was what i wasn't getting done. For example, i liked to think that the most important things in my life, those things that carry the greatest weight in my life, were the things i was spending the most time on. But this was not the case at all, in fact, the exact opposite was true.

In all honesty, an objective look at how i spent my time, would in a court of law, reveal very little more than a person who's entire existence revolves around work, and in particular managing people, deadlines and goals. What then consumed the remaining waking hours of my day, was a 1 hour 'quiet time' (most weekday mornings), 80 minutes in the car (to and from work), 90 minutes playing and bathing the kids, another 90 minutes of work (email catchup most evenings), 1 night bible study a week, 1 night 'date night' a week (Dannean was lucky if I lit a candle), nicely rounded off with a proliferation of social events and activities on most weekends, and lastly sprinkled with an occasional Saturday outreach and of course Sunday church.

The only problem with all of this was... well everything, because at the core of who I liked to think i was, who we are is inextricably linked to how we spend our time, i had become a living example of the 80/20 principal gone wrong (i.e. 80% of my time being spent on 20% of the things that matter most to me).

Fortunately, this 80/20 principal situation wasn't only bothering me (or else I don't think much would have changed), so when the Spirit gently whispered to me a couple months back, that I needed to revisit my time allocation, i was very grateful for the reminder to do so. What i hadn't counted on, was just how wide God was about to open my eyes regarding how much we have lost as a result of not taking a Sabbath rest... Fast forward today, and i have over the past 3 months dedicated my Fridays (to a Sabbath rest), in order to do the things i always knew i should be doing, but never made the time to do so.

I call these my 5 F's, but I got them straight out the bible, so there's nothing fancy here. What is however new, is that I know dedicate every Friday to these 5 things alone (in 1 form or another). I'm not religious about it though, so if something else important (and it needs to be pretty important) pops up, i have the freedom to deal with that too. There is obviously a cost to count in this regard, as it's 1 less work day a week, but we've got our budget, and I've got my targets. On the upside however, let me say that I have never felt the pleasure of God more, or heard his voice clearer (I think!), than I have over the past 3 months. Obviously, living on a farm with huge amounts of space, beautiful scenery and fresh air helps, but I don't think that on its own is enough - not even close.

So, whether we like it or not, time is the ultimate test of our affections, purpose and motives. It's also a bit like our education system, in that you have to step out of the box to stop it being your master (more on that in part 2). Included here below are the previously mentioned 5 F's which form the framework for my Friday schedule;

• Delightful abiding (Fuel)
• Is my God love tank full?

• Knowledgeable obedience (Fight)
• Am I studying the word and actively seeking how to move more in the spirit?

• Intercessory prayer (Fire)
• Am I spending strategic prayer time in advancing the Kingdom?

• Sacrificial serving (Friendship)
• Am I continuously sharing the love of Christ with those in need?

• Dedicated discipling (Followership)
• Am I strategic and intentional in my discipling of others, as well as being discipled myself?

That's it for part 1. Can you tell i haven't blogged for 16 weeks?! Part 2 will follow shortly, but my hope as always, is that something (anything!) in what i share would encourage you in your journey of faith and life. I also always like to end any post with an invitation to come and visit us anytime on the farm. It's always better to share / discuss these things face to face anyway - so you are welcome!

Lastly, I've included some fun pics below from the past few months on the farm...

LOVE.



The annual mulberry bush bonfire on the farm next door



Our family (23 year old) landi (aka the samel - from school days), transporting the kennel for the dogs we imported from the farm next door (pic below). As I shared, God wasn't about to let me off the hook that easily, and we quickly had to pass them on after they unsuccessfully swallowed Jake (our Jack Russell) on 2 occasions!





The boys in digger heaven...




Our 3rd child Jupiter (Jupie for short, a ridgeback this time)



Dannean's garden birthday tea with some of her new friends from the south (tough chicks these!)



The whole family in the bed (with room for at least 1 more i think!)



My workshops (complete with recycled billboard roll up doors) (can you tell i'm proud!)



The prototype (last seen in an unclassified location!)

Cry, the Beloved Country

"The tragedy is not that things are broken. The tragedy is that things are not mended again".

― Alan Paton, Cry, The Beloved Country

Last month we had a burglary. The thieves (or tsotsi's as we now call them) cut through our electric fence and stole Sean's motorised bicycles, tool box and some other odds and ends. It was completely opportunistic and it was clear that whoever came knew the bikes were there and came solely for these. A week later they came back to the farm and stole the gate motor. I have had some rough nights since then. Both incidents took place around 3 am and both times I was awake and alerted, although saw nothing. I think my body got into a habit of waking around the same time and this triggered an alert state in me which could only rest again when Sean woke up at 5 am. The truth is, it has been unsettling. We do not feel that our lives are in any danger and I hold to the picture I felt God give me our first night here, of an angel's wings covering our house. But still, it has been unsettling. And once again, as at many points in my life, I have had to confront it. The dreaded beast.

Fear. 

Fear has been a constant companion of mine for as far back as I can remember. Like an annoying mosquito buzzing constantly in my ear, even when not very loud or forceful, I have always felt its presence. When I was young, I feared thunderstorms, I feared being poor and I feared being 'less than best'. Fear of being 'a statistic' stopped me from experimenting with ecstasy tablets and cocaine when I was in my twenties. And then came motherhood. Oh my goodness, where to begin...fears of down syndrome (I had a higher risk pregnancy), of my baby dying in utero, SIDS and so on and so on. I think the best way to sum my fears up would be to say that I feared not being in control; meaning I feared just about everything! God graciously took me on a journey and, as a new mother, I had to sit and name my fears and face them head on. I am not sure why but even saying what I feared out loud was pretty daunting. But I did. I faced these fears and made every attempt to replace fear with truth. It took time and I would like to think I came a very long way. In fact I couldn't really recall the last time fear really raised its head. Until now. Until these two recent, small, unpleasant incidents.

So why now and why these incidents? 

I think for me it is not so much fear for our lives or safety but fear that there is such a vulnerability to life. I am reminded, yet again, that I am not in control. I take life for granted. Daily. I take health for granted. Daily. I take too many things for granted. Every. Single. Day. These incidents shook me and unsettled the sediment that had clearly been covering over my control issues. They exposed my fear again for what it is: the intense dislike of not being in control and, related to this, a lack of faith in God's desire or ability to protect. I wavered in my confidence over our life decisions, having to check again that we are where we feel God has called us. We would never purposefully put our lives or our boys' lives at risk. And I am grateful that when I thought things over I knew two things: Firstly, this is the journey God wants us to be on. Secondly, it was God who led us and opened the doors to us living in this house. I purposefully never pushed and never 'made things happen' in this regard. I waited, trusted and God alone opened the doors. 

And then I think of the many vulnerable men, women and children in our country. Those who live in places where there is no security. And I fear for them and their safety. And my heart breaks that this beautiful land we live in is so damaged and pockmarked by fear. I fear that if I, and if we, let them then Alan Paton's words in Cry the Beloved Country will indeed ring true:  "Cry, the beloved country, for the unborn child that's the inheritor of our fear. Let him not love the earth too deeply. Let him not laugh too gladly when the water runs through his fingers, nor stand too silent when the setting sun makes red the veld with fire. Let him not be too moved when the birds of his land are singing. Nor give too much of his heart to a mountain or a valley. For fear will rob him if he gives too much.” 

― Alan Paton, Cry, the Beloved Country 

Then I think of the young men who (most likely) committed both crimes. The very men we desire to help through Sean's business. I think of them not with anger (although I feel angry that I should be fearful), but with something else that I can't quite describe. Perhaps it is this; I understand that maybe they have no choice. Let me explain: I was running the other day, just after the first burglary, and I started thinking: What if I was the wife of an unemployed young man? What if I was the mother of three (four?five?) kids with tummies to fill and bodies to warm? What would I expect of my husband? I would expect him to make a plan. Any plan. And perhaps that night, this is what these young men did. They made a plan. I am not saying they made the right plan. I am just saying that in my warm house, with my healthy boys, tummies full, in their warm beds I don't think I can understand the desperation that is felt by so many in every nook and cranny of our country. And I fear. I fear this. I fear for our country if something does not change. I fear that as the 'haves' we can hide behind our suburban neighbourhoods, electric fences, helplessness, pity, apathy, good intentions and do nothing while our beloved country cries itself to sleep on cold hard floors and with empty tummies.

Something has happened in the very depths of me since we left our Northern suburb Riverclub home and moved South. It is hard to put into words. I have always had a heart for social justice and had been involved in outreaches, been into Alex, helped vulnerable women and children and so on while we lived in Sandton. But I realise now that after doing 'good' I came back home into the folds of a safe cocoon where, until the next time, I could block out the sadness and injustices of this land. Since we moved South, something has shifted. I feel constantly unsettled in my very core. Something is always there and I can no longer find a cocoon in which to hide. Something is not right. It never has been. But now I know it all the time. Perhaps this is simply because this is the direction God is calling us in and what He has put on my heart. But I think, by our decisions and life choices, I have allowed God to remove the safety net and to bring to light the vulnerability that is in me and in every body else. I have forever lost an innocence that I think I once had. Only now can I see a bit more clearly for the first time. And although I don't cry physical tears, my heart cries. It cries for the widow, the orphan and the unemployed men. It cries for the single mother trying to make ends meet. It cries for the foreigner; for the men, women and children who have fled their own countries out of desperation. It cries and cries and cries. It cries for our beloved South Africa. My greatest wish is that I can turn these tears into something useful. My greatest hope can only be found in God and for this reason I cling dearly to this scripture:

Found on merewhispers.wordpress.com   

"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord

In the land of the living.

14 Wait for the Lord;

Be strong and let your heart take courage;

Yes, wait for the Lord." (Psalm 27:13-14 NASB)

11 August 2015

As always, I started this post a while ago and have been working on it for a good few weeks.  Since the first burglary I stopped sleeping with ear plugs in (my need to be able to 'hear' what was going on through the night) and I also woke about 4 or 5 times a night, checking on the boys and checking outside. Monday 27 July was a turning point for me. I literally felt like I was wrestling for my life with the fear that had gripped me. I prayed. I quoted scripture and eventually I felt like I needed to put in  my ear plugs again. This made me a bit anxious but I felt it was a practical step to saying: Okay God, you've got this. So I did. I put the ear plugs in and finally fell asleep. I have slept like a baby ever since. I am still a work in progress in this regard but do feel like I am making positive steps forward.

The best days of my life...

The last 2 months undoubtedly rank as some of my best (if not the best) times of my life... I think the basis for this, is that i have probably never experienced the fulfillment of more of God's promises in my life, in such a short space of time. Just for context sake, when we moved at the end of March from our Sandton apartment, to a free-standing house on a farm in the south of Joburg, all we actually knew, was that we had a place to move to, some friends (Lorenzo & Joe) who lived in the area, and a vision for a life of greater impact and significance. 

Here's what we didn't have... I had no job, we had no tenants for our flat, no idea what it meant to live on a farm, or what life would actually be like in a 'foreign' place. We had some very mixed feelings from my family on the matter, knew of no schools in the area, no church supporting us (or to attend), no alarms, dogs or guns, and about half a months salary worth of savings. 

Some would say that takes faith, others pure stupidity! To be honest, i think it's a bit of both, but here's my point... 

What then has come of this faith and stupidity? What did fate or God (you decide) do with how we decided to play our cards?

Here's my rendition (please forgive the list;)

• I eventually got a job 3 weeks ago... with my previous employer (The Hope Factory) of all people. So, you can imagine my surprise, after having been given the most wonderful farewell by the company, that i should once again find myself in their employment, only this time in a part time capacity, doing what i really love (mentoring), all in the area i now live (the south), all on the terms i requested (So much for not having one's cake and eating it!) I've included a pic of what they gave me on my last day - A farmers hat and shoes (ha-ha), and a frame of our 'dream team' (very special). Also included here is a pic of me with an amazing woman (Busi Raphekwane) - only because i want people to know i was once her boss! - watch out for this lady South Africa!

• So i knew we were moving to a farm, but what i didn't realize was that the 600 hectares of green grass that we now call our 'backyard', would provide the most breathtaking sunrises to run in... Sunsets to ride in... And a beautiful backdrop to lunch in...

• Not having a dog couldn't have come to an end sooner, when by surprise we were given a Jack Russell (since named Jake) at the exact time i realized we didn't have enough money to install an alarm system, nor a nose to smell out rats and Rinkhals' (of which he's already found 2!). We've always wanted a dog for our family (and boys in particular), and much to Dannean's horror, i refer to my self as his daddy (he's that cute!)

• I should probably add, that earlier this week i managed to run Jake over (with my car) (these things happen on farms!). With tears in my eyes i raced him to the vet as the little thing proceeded to urinate blood uncontrollably. I couldn't help asking God what was the point in allowing us to get the dog in the 1st place? Well my cynicism quickly turned to absolute joy and relief, as Jake was discharged the very next day with only a bruised leg (what!!??) True. (ok fair, we did pray for him like one of our own children had been run over!)

• Our new home has a guest bedroom, which is something we had been looking forward to having for many years. And so having friends and family spend the night was suddenly an option - except that's all we had - a room. Money was simply too tight to mention for a bed... That was until our neighbours randomly informed us that their living arrangements required that their extra length double bed and base set, find a new home temporarily. Problem solved! (and a breakfast with the bed for anyone coming to visit...).

• The one irony of our move, was not factoring in how we thought we were going to meet people living on a farm! And so the fact that we have since come to befriend some amazing people, mostly through and including an old Grey Junior School mate of mine (Stephen Pohlmann), has been a great blessing! It also so happens that Steve is a pastor of a beautiful little church 10 minutes down the road from us, as well as being a really gifted teacher and preacher. A highlight for me in our short stint with the church to date, was definitely a trip into one of the poorer communities in the area this weekend, as well as watching Steve (being an ex-baptist pastor) actually getting a couple 'amens' for a change!

• My passion for entrepreneurship and desire to start another business (gulp), was again surprisingly met by the realization that the dirt garages in our backyard are in fact going to be the perfect workshop space for the motorized bicycle business i'm starting. In fact just last week we finished cementing the floors with Thembi (the world's most versatile nanny!) and her building crew (including the boys of course!)

• And on that note, to see these 2 boys playing in a garden that's too big for them, with a hose that's too long from them, and a dog that's too fast for them, gives me more joy than i can actually express... ps. getting the resident lawn mowing service in the other day was a highlight for them too, as was Connor watching and learning to weld (just kidding mom!)

• When May came around, with me still not having a job, and Dannean's part time work at Wits only going to cover half the months expenses, we were left doubting... That was until one of my best mates bridged our financial gap (totally unbeknownst to him), with an amazing financial donation. I think this was all the more humbling, given the fact that this friend of mine and i don't share the same faith, and yet he has chosen to support us in such a generous and gracious manner. Bob you beauty!

• Starting businesses cost money, and so you can imagine my jubilation (and shock) when another Grey Junior School friend of mine (now living in Hawaii) contacts me on face book out the blue, to inform me that God has spoken to him about the business i'm starting, and that he's got R50,000 (interest free) for me to get things going... What!!?? True. Greg Byron you biscuit!

The list does go on, but i'll leave the rest for next time.

In conclusion, and with hindsight (all be it only 10 weeks), making this move (in my small little world) was both the most difficult and the easiest decision i've ever made in my life. The most difficult in that, why would i (we) risk everything we already had, by quitting my job, uprooting my family, and moving on to a farm?? Yet at the same time, the easiest decision, because that's all we had to do... (Get to the farm). God / fate (you decide) has done everything else since then.

Jesus says "Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." My great hope is that this promise might find its fulfillment in your life, as it has in ours. You get to day 1, He'll take it from there...
Ps. I've included a link here to our vision (as referred to at the beginning of the post) for anyone who's interested - https://www.evernote.com/shard/s443/sh/628f81ba-9591-45e8-b41a-3a832fe4690c/c0c63057f05884466e0cc19dcec74c6a)