Adoption: the Tragedy and Privilege

I was going to call this post  'The heart of an adoptive mom - to - be'.  But then I thought about it and realised, I am already a mom. A mom to two gorgeous boys. Our little girl to be is not going to make me a mom. She is simply going to add to the beauty and blessing of what I already am.

A little pair of Princess shoes: these sit between a mom and her
 two boys and a family of four in our bedroom. A reminder of our
beautiful addition to come!

For the sake of anyone who has not seen our news on Facebook and for the fact that this blog is really also a precious record of my own thoughts and journey, I would like to back track a bit. To the part about adoption. For as long as I can remember I have always wanted to adopt. Sean and I had the discussion in our premarital counselling and it was wonderful to know that his heart was aligned with mine in this area. Fast forward to 2014; nearly 7 years of marriage and two little boys later... I always knew that I was not going to be a mom of 2. I come from a family of 4 and I love the idea of a bigger family. When Sean and I started the conversation about children again (Connor had just turned 1) it was clear that my husband was leaving the ball in my court as to whether we tried for a third biological child or whether we adopted. Wow! For a mom who loved being pregnant, who loved both (natural) births and adores tiny babies, it was a tough call. I did a lot of praying. A lot of crying. A lot of soul searching. And I realised a few things: 1. I really want a little girl 2. I have always wanted to adopt 3. Yes, I loved the experience of pregnancy and birth but I also loved the experience of getting married and that was not something I was going to do over and over again. And so it was that the seed of adoption, that had been planted many years before, started growing.

Pink shoes in our dining room

Many of the specific details between 2014 and now are rather inconsequential. Our initial time frame was to adopt early in 2015, but with our major lifestyle and financial changes this was put on hold. Until recently. We have already met with a private social worker, done the ground work and given her all the necessary documents. And now, we wait. Not long ago our adoption journey took a big leap forward.  It has been both a very special and yet challenging time for my mommy heart. Special in that, as a family, we have gotten to share our family news about our sweet princess (who still remains unknown to us) and have received such an outpouring of love and support. Challenging... For quite a few reasons, some of which were expected and some of which took me by surprise. These are what I would like to share...

Longing: I was incredibly blessed to bond immediately with both my boys when they were still in the womb. But from the time I shared my decision to adopt our little girl,with Sean, my longing for this daughter of ours has been indescribable. There are days where my arms have ached with the longing to hold her and kiss her sweet face. There are times when I think my heart is going to explode with love and anticipation. Although I have not met her in person yet, I feel that my spirit is completely connected to our little girl. I pray for her all the time. I long for her to 'know' that she is already loved and longed for by her family. This family.

Feeling invisible: Let me start by saying that I am incredibly grateful for the outpouring of love and support that we have received from both family and friends, near and far. I am also especially thankful to Alexa and Jackie who, between them, are walking or have walked this journey themselves. They have been my counselors, cheerleaders, helpers and prayer warriors in this. But I also have to admit that at times I feel incredibly lonely. And totally invisible. Why do I say this? Well, I guess because in a biological pregnancy there is a bump to show, movements to feel, scans to look at. There is an outward presence which clearly points to an inward miracle and that reflects heartfelt feelings and emotions. I do not have any outward 'pregnancy' signs but what is happening and changing and growing inside of my heart and emotions (and that of my family) is just as beautiful, miraculous and life changing. I do want to be asked how I am, about how I feel and how we are planning for the changes to come. I may not have the baby bump and any other outward signs but I carry our daughter heavily in my mommy heart.

Grief: This was something that took me completely by surprise. Not so long ago, I went through some time when I felt a grief as intense as I did when my dad died. It took me a while to understand that I was grieving two very different things. Firstly (and again rather surprisingly) I grieved the biological child we had chosen NOT to have.  It seemed strange at the time to grieve for someone who we never intended to bring into this world biologically. But in hind sight, it makes a bit more sense to me now. Secondly, my grief centered around not being the one to carry this daughter in my womb and not being the mom to help bring her into this world. Of course, again, perhaps this seems hard to get one's head around. She wouldn't be THIS daughter if I was the one to carry and birth her. I know grief to be a strange thing and I simply accepted it for what it was and let myself feel the emotions that were there.

Birth mom: I have read, reread and memorised this quote by Jody Landers. For me it sums up everything I feel about the beauty of gain and the pain of loss in an adoption story. I think a lot about our daughter's 'tummy' or birth mom. And I pray for her too. As a mom myself I can think of no greater love nor sacrifice than to hand over a child to be mothered by another, however this 'hand over' looks. We do not know our daughter's adoption story yet. And even when we do, it will be hers and hers alone to share. But what I do know is that the privilege of being our daughter's mommy will only come from the tragedy of another mommy's heart breaking choice. And because of that, our mommy hearts will forever be connected by the invisible cord that we call 'mom'.

So, as we wait in much faith and anticipation for the Joy of our daughter who is to come, I take comfort in doing what I can to continue to prepare for her; mentally, emotionally, spiritually and now more than ever, practically and physically.  We have placed little pairs of shoes in a few strategic places in our house. These keep us thinking of her and praying for her. They also help make what is unseen, more tangible. The wait feels long. But we know she will be worth it!                  
       

                                                   

                                                                         More Princess shoes in our lounge