Living with the 'Dreaded D'

*death* *divorce* *drug abuse* *diabetes* *disability*
   *drinking*  *danger* *despair* *disaster* 
*dizziness* *defeat* *deprivation* 
*despondency* *delirium* 
*disillusionment* 
*distress*

Interesting to see how many potentially 'dreaded' words actually start with the letter 'd'. And any of these could be what I refer to when I say 'living with the Dreaded D'. But none of these are my 'Dreaded D' word.  When I speak of living with the 'Dreaded D' I am in fact referring to another D word (and here goes; deep breath):

depression

There it is. In black and white. What was hidden is now out in the open. 

Depression. A word that many misunderstand, a word that comes packed with heavy judgement and stigmas. And for these 3 reasons (misunderstanding, judgement,stigma) I have felt prompted to share my journey with depression. I am not one to 'air my dirty laundry' in public (so to speak) but over the last while, when considering my next blog post, I knew that this would be what I would write about.  

Recently this quote (on the left), and others like it, have appeared frequently on my Facebook feed.  I think 2016 has been a hard year for many people and in this way I feel that for most, this phrase comes loaded with a certain amount of pain and disappointment. For me, however, when I look back at where I was a year ago (almost to the day) I was in the deepest part of the greyness of my depression; terrible sleep, exceptionally high anxiety and not yet on medication.  So for me these words are a refreshing reminder of just how far I have come in the year since I was 're-medicated'.

Those close to me will know that depression is something I have lived with for quite a few years now. I was first officially diagnosed with depression in 2005 but when I look back, even to before this time, I can see hints and suggestions that depression may have been around a little bit longer (possibly even since 1997). My first year out of school and into University was a year full of newness and sadness and excitement and many mixed emotions.  Let me just clarify; I made amazing friends and loved university life but in 1997, there were many significant shifts and changes that happened and when I look back now, I can see more clearly that even then the grey cloud of depression was already a companion.

I know I know, why only now a year of medication when I was first diagnosed in 2005? Well I was always very faithful in taking my medication but after a significant time (each time) I would, with my doctor's go ahead, wean myself off. Being off medication would work well for me, for a time. I am one of the lucky ones; I do not truly suffer from depression. What I mean by this is that when I am on the right medicine I am back to myself and feel good and healthy in all ways. I have dear friends who, despite medication, really still struggle daily with their depression. So I would be on medication and then, with the doctor's permission, come off again.  To be honest, I don't really know why I always chose to come off (fear of judgement or stigma perhaps?).  

I seem to be one of those people whose depression is triggered by big change; post natal depression a year after Tristan was born (apparently this is very common), the death of my dad and then more recently our big move last year. Please don't get me wrong. I love every bit of the decision we made to move out of the city and to live a simpler life. I have never regretted a single moment of this move. Unfortunately I couldn't quite get my heart and my physical body to come on board in the same way (*😉*).

Before suffering from depression myself, I must confess that I was one of those people who thought depression was an emotion that could be overcome simply with right thinking. I wondered why people couldn't just 'pull themselves towards themselves' and 'get over it'. Gosh, how totally naive and insensitive! Only now that I have felt the very real mental, emotional and more especially physiological effects of depression can I fully relate and empathise.  Before going back on medication again last year, I did pray that God would take this from me. I tried to change my diet, tried more exercise and so on. But in the end, when Sean looked at me and said that he could see I had tried but was struggling, I knew it was time for another doctor's visit. Fast forward to today and I have been on depression medication for almost a whole year. What a relief is all I can say! I am so thankful for modern medicine!

I feel led to address a few misunderstandings about depression that I have come across.   One of them is who is likely to have depression.  I know many amazing women who are on medication. And to be honest, if you met any of us you would most likely never imagine that we suffer (some much more than others) with this illness. We are smiley and happy and friendly. We are social, loving and empathetic. Depression doesn't have a personality type. And this brings me to the second misunderstanding; a misunderstanding that I myself carried for far too long.  Just like diabetes or heart disease are physical illnesses, depression is just as much a physical illness that may affect anyone at any time.  Medication doesn't make us 'high' or unnaturally happy.  For me, medication simply helps me to feel like me and to be the best me that I can be.  Of course the thing about depression is that, sadly, the physical manifestation of the illness can result in struggles that are not just physical but emotional and mental too.  

What I won't go into now is anything related to depression and Christianity. This is not my area of expertise and I imagine the views are far and wide. What I will say is that I love the Lord and I have depression. I have prayed and I feel total peace about being on medication. And yes I have prayed that God would heal me (as I have and would pray if I had any other illness). But even as I write this I can see that God has always had a plan and that perhaps by me sharing some of my own journey, someone else will feel free to share theirs (or to get some help if they haven't already).

And now for the greatest challenge that I have ever faced in all my years of depression.
The STIGMA.
Oh my goodness, the stigma of depression is like the hugest, most daunting mountain. And for this reason, before last year, I hardly told anyone about my diagnosis or that I was on medication.  The most ironic thing is that my OWN stigma about my OWN depression far exceeded anything anyone else could throw at me.  Thoughts like: 

I am weak 

I obviously cannot manage life very well

I am a failure
What will people think of me?

What kind of a wife/mother/friend can I be? and so on and so on.  

Now if I had diabetes what kind of crazy thoughts would these be? And this is also the reason that when I went back on medication at the end of 2015 I decided it was time to get over my own stigmatised ideas of depression.  For the first time ever I decided to be open and honest about my struggle and the response I got was simply amazing and totally supportive.  I now even joke on occasion with Sean by saying: "Don't worry I am on medication" (and we both laugh) when something slightly stressful or out of the ordinary comes up. And I don't mean this disrespectfully and flippantly.  I meant this in the way that medication has helped me feel just like me again. And the me that I am is more laid back, takes more in my stride, is not highly anxious, does not have a grey cloud living in her head, laughs and smiles and jokes...

So there it is. An honest confession and a baring of some of the more personal aspects of my life. Part of my reason for sharing this is my continuing desire to unstigmatise my own illness for myself. Another part is because, perhaps by sharing this, there are more people who will feel like they can also be open to sharing with the safe people in their lives. There may be someone who, like I once did, thinks that their friend/ partner/family member should just 'get over it' and perhaps now they realise that you don't just get over a physical illness, especially one like depression.  Perhaps there is even someone reading this who thinks they may be depressed or who should be on medication but the stigma of it all is just too much.

I don't know. I do know that it took me 6 months to write this post and even if I wrote it for no other reason but to have put myself out there, in a place of vulnerability, it will be worth it. I do pray though that the people who may read this will be, for whatever reasons, the ones who need to.

Now to press 'publish' and 'share'.
*Gulp*
*Deep breath*

10 December 2016
I have had a quick reread of my blog post (as I always do before hitting publish). I would just like to say that what I have written here is solely my own experience and my own thoughts and feelings on depression. I am in no ways a medical professional and my only expertise in this area come from living my own form of depression myself.  I would also never suggest coming off medication at any time without the advice of a medical professional.  

Okay, now time to hit publish!

It's About Time...

18 months since changing the world as we knew it, packing up our Sandton apartment and lifestyle, and moving to live on a farm 30km's south of Joburg, I find myself wondering... What's really new, and is life all that different? I mean, after all, we didn't emigrate (although as one of my friends from the north used to say, anything beyond the Joburg ringroad requires a passport!).

We still eat 3 square meals a day, put petrol in the car, go on holidays (sort of), need to consider the education of our children, pay the bills, and go to church. Nothing new here. So what is new? Well, if i'm honest, a couple things do come to mind, but for the purposes of this blog, there's one thing in particular that warrants a mention.

I would have to say, that of all the things that have changed, this one has probably had the single biggest overall impact on my life. Simply put, my understanding and experience of time, has forever changed, and forever changed me...

Have you ever wondered what the common and defining denominator of every created thing is? In other words what is the single thing that applies to everything? I'll tell you... Time. Here's an example... The sun. Yes, it's big, hot and yellow, but so is a bonfire. What makes the sun unique, is that it's 8.5 light minutes away from earth, and releases the equivalent of 1 million atomic bombs worth of energy every second. Without time, there is no way to measure distance, and no way to measure output!

Essentially the same is true for me and you. Without time, it is difficult to really tell us apart. Sure, we might look, sound and act differently, but isn't it time that truly makes us unique? For example; Time = life = experience. Time = choice = consequences. Time = space = place. Time you see, and specifically what we do with it, is the real defining factor of our lives.

Allow me to share how powerful this truth has been in my life. When we moved to the farm, I promised myself that I would not go back to working a 50 hour week. I promised myself that those things that I verbally subscribed to carrying weight in my life, would actually start to carry weight in my life. My hypocritical days needed to end, and the only thing that stood between me and making this happen, was good old father time.

And so, with a very deep breath, and the inaudible voice of God (I think Moses really had it easy sometimes), I decided to work a 4 day week, and use the fifth day, a Friday, as a day of rest... A Sabbath. Anyway, that was 18 months ago, and fast fwd today, I can honestly say, without a shadow of doubt, that it has been the single greatest influencing factor in my 'new' life. So much so, that I actually joke about my 'previous' life lived in Sandton!

Now, just before I get shot for heresy by my Christian mates, for mistakenly subscribing my salvation to Father time, as opposed to Father God, allow me to elaborate using my previous equations;

• Time = life = experience...

• I have experienced a freedom on Friday's that I never knew existed. A freedom to allow my only responsibility to be to God. This sounds mad, but I assure you, it is life. To make space to hear from and spend time with my creator, has provided me with a perspective I never had before...
• We've all seen the Truman Show or at least the Matrix right... You know the plot... Where what you see is actually not reality, and that what you think is life, is instead simply a make believe existence. Or put another way, how our identity and security is so closely linked to working, instead of being able to find our identity and security in the one who made us, and has promised to provide for us...
• Now don't hear what i'm not saying. I'm not advocating a #workmustfall campaign, because work is beautiful in the sense that we invent, and serve, and cure, and teach, and provide, but it's just a piece of the puzzle. In our post-modern, matrix world, I think we believe (because that's what we give all our time to) that work is the cure and the puzzle!

• Time = choice = consequence...

• The immediate consequence of living a 4 day work week (within a no work = no pay context) is a 20% cut in household income. Sound impossible? Not really, but it does require a redefinition of priorities, and a measure of faith.
• In our case, we took the plunge, and moved outside of the suburbs, where for one, life is cheaper, and you can do more yourself. Included here below, are a couple of budget eating line items we addressed, mostly because of our new environment...
• No dstv (but that's cheating because we don't have a tv!) (but yes, we do have youtube!) 
• No private schooling (we home school, and you need space for that)
• No big bond (actually no bond at all) - we’ve elected to rent for availability and flexibility purposes
• No RA / pension and I (not the family) have no medical insurance (I do however have life insurance (while the kids are in school) and 3 kids saving / education policies).
• We grow some vegetables and eat pap 
• We still have a nanny, but that's more about job creation & upliftment than domestic help, although Thembi is a great help, but also part of the family!
• All of the above is rounded off with a very efficient budget, run by my wife (incorporating life threatening sms's if i go over budget on my entertainment, blessing (not blesser!), petrol, etc.)
• And in the end, we still manage to give away 15% of our monthly income to advancing God’s Kingdom 

• Time = space = place... 

• So what does making space for a 3 day weekend (as some of my mates refer to it) offer? Well one thing's for sure, I find myself in some very different places, doing some very different things (to my previous life). Things that I actually love to do, and truly feed my soul / spirit.
• What things are these you might ask? Well, as much as watching a rugby game with my mates on a Saturday is a joy, or playing cops and robbers with the boys is a laugh, or thinking up new business ideas is inspiring, you get the picture. As much as these are wonderful things, and God given gifts, they simply don't feed my soul / spirit.
• So then, what does? Well, here is a list of the 5 things that take up the majority of my Friday's, mostly...
• Having time to walk and pray in the farmlands where I stay
• Having time to drink coffee and talk life with friends and strangers and least once a week
• Having time to think about and plan how to love people better - and then actually doing it!
• Having time to read and watch things that inspire me, teach me, and change me...
• Having time to scrap the daily diary, and let God fill my diary instead (if ever I write a book by the way, i think I'll call it 'God wants to be your PA' (now I really am going to be excommunicated!)

My parting thought on this issue of time / rest, finds its roots in the downtime I spend with the boys on the couch each evening after dinner.  It's here that we fill our minds with books written about people and places that really understand and know the value of time... Where life is always lived with a purpose and vision beyond the here and now, and the decisions made are filtered outside of the matrix. Sound like lah lah land? 

Well, in these books the places are called Narnia (by CS lewis) and Arenthrea (by Chuck Black), and they're only really accessible by the minds of children, because the main characters are talking lions and wicked witches, knights of the Prince, and shadow warriors. And in their worlds, good and evil are easy to see and understand, and the consequences of allegiances made immediately felt and measured. 

Interestingly enough, what you will never find in these worlds, and their associated story lines, are uneventful, boring and safe existences. The stakes are always high, but so are the rewards, and life is one adventure after the next. Of course the boys love it, and believe it all. I love it, but struggle to believe it, even though somewhere inside of me (and you), we know it's true! I know that so much of what I see with the eyes in my head, and process with my well conditioned mind, is inconsequential and temporal. And so much of what I am supposed to see with the eyes of my heart, and process with the mind of a child, is worthy and eternal.

"Now they were bringing even infants to him that he might touch them. And when the disciples saw it, they rebuked them. But Jesus called them to him, saying, “Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.” ' 

- Luke 18v15-17

Take the red pill!

Long live Aslan!

Long live the Prince!

The feet that bring good news: Adopting Izabella-Joy

On the 13 April 2016 at 13:30 Izabella-Joy Krige arrived home. In many ways it was totally surreal to finally arrive home with our daughter and yet we had been preparing for this day for two years.  Izzy has been home for over two months now and we could not imagine life without her. My days are full and my heart is totally overflowing with contentment; I love being a mom of three.

Sean, Izzy and I on 13 April 2016

When we share how quickly Izabella-Joy came to be with us people marvel at the speed at which things happened. We met with Susan, our new social worker, on 7 March. We had our first official screening on 17 March, met Izzy on 21 March and Izzy came home on 13 April. What you don't hear from this side of things is the journey it took to get us to Susan and Izzy and the remarkable hand of God that was so clearly on us all as we went.

I won't back track too much as I already shared my heart in my previous post titled Adoption: the Tragedy and Privilege (see below for the link to this). Where I do want to start is at the part, where after nearly two years, we thought we had found the right social worker to take us forward. We waited out 2015 with her and in January 2016 I called her to ask for any updates. She had good news for us; a pregnant mom about to give birth. There was a lot of excitement and anticipation around this but there were also a few too many unanswered questions. After about a month of waiting we decided, for integrity purposes, to move on from this mom and our social worker (by mutual agreement). I was heartbroken, beaten down and very disappointed. I tried hard to remember that my hope was never going to be in a potential mom or social worker but rather in God. I prayed that God would guide and show us who our daughter was and that when she came home there would be absolutely no doubt that THIS was the daughter God had always planned for us.

Confirmation...

Fast forward to March 2016. Through a recommendation by Caroline Webb from Baby Haven, I contacted an adoption accredited social worker called Susan and we agreed to set up a meeting. All set. Except for one major catch. Susan's fees were almost double the previous social worker's and although we had saved, our savings only came to less than half Susan's fees.  I did a lot of crying again that weekend. I cried in disappointment, frustration, discouragement and for so many other reasons. As I 'knew' we couldn't afford Susan's fees I contacted Bev from Oasis Haven who had, two years prior, told me she knew a good adoption social worker. Bev's reply... Susan! Although unsure of how we would pay, we at least felt that we were on the right track.

Gold In My Hands:

On Sunday of that same weekend we were driving to see friends in Randburg. On the way home we passed a whole lot of gold mine dumps and Connor was rather fascinated by the story of gold. At some point along the journey he said he would like to see gold to which I very calmly and nonchalantly replied that he could see some when we got home because I had a gold Kruger Rand sitting in my cupboard (yes, I know, my cupboard!?). STOP. I looked at Sean. I HAVE A KRUGER RAND IN MY CUPBOARD! Light bulb moment. With the rand/dollar exchange rate I could get the amount of money we needed to pay for our social worker's fees.  But that wasn't the only beautiful part... I had, for some time during my prayer and worship time, been getting a reoccurring picture of a gold bar in each of my hands.  I had asked God to show me if this had any meaning and to be honest, I had put it to the back of my mind. Until that Sunday. I told Sean about the picture I had been getting and realised that all along God had been telling me that I had gold in my hands. Literally.  By Tuesday the Kruger Rand was sold and we knew confidently that God had provided for our every need for our daughter.

(An aside): This Kruger Rand had been given to me by Granny Patty, Sean's gran, about 9 years ago as a welcome to the family gift. Little did she know just how significant this gift of hers would be to us. There were many tough financial times in the past 9 years and yet, until now, we had never even considered selling the gold.  

Signs:

The first time we met with Susan for a general meeting she asked us many questions and then told us about a little girl (very special to her heart) up for adoption. Susan had felt God clearly tell her that THIS little girl needed to be adopted by a Christian family. We came along about a month after Izzy had been released from hospital into the safe care of an amazing Christian foster family who run an NPO called Onthatile Children's Ministries. There she would wait until she would be adopted and if she wasn't adopted then... well I hate to even think.

One of the pairs of baby shoes that
was put up around our house

The thing about Izzy was that she was born with club feet.  This made her a 'special needs' adoption; something many prospective parents refuse to even consider (I respect every prospective adoptive parent's right to make the best decisions for themselves).  For Sean and I however, the fact that Izzy had clubbed feet made us pretty sure from that very first meeting, that this was our daughter.  Why? Well, several reasons.  Firstly, our family is pretty unique, each one with our own eccentric element; Connor has a webbed toe, I have bunions, Sean has had his fair share of weird and wonderful physical ailments and Trist, well my pregnancy with him was almost all drama, Clubbed feet? Welcome to our family! Added to this, at the end of 2015 (also shown in my previous blog post) I had put up baby girl shoes all around our house to remind us of our Joy to come. Shoes. Which belong on feet.  I could have hung up pink ribbons, teddy bears, a baby outfit or anything else but for me it was shoes! A coincidence? I think not.

I mentioned earlier that through all my tears of anguish over the waiting, of frustration and disappointment, I prayed continually that God would show us and make it clear who our daughter was. Izzy was naturally not given the name Izabella at birth. She had been given another name at the hospital where she was born. I did a little bit of asking around and it turned out that this name meant 'sign' or 'to show the way'. Of course Sean and I smiled when we heard this as only our gracious God could have orchestrated such a thing. And although it wasn't the reason we 'just knew', it was a special little addition to all the other things God had put in place to prepare us for this daughter!

What's In a Name:
I had loved the name Izabella long before it became popular with Bella in Breaking Dawn (which I have never watched). It means 'Devoted to God'. I had suggested to Sean that we call her Izabella Rose as my second name is Rosamund, so for a long time our baby girl to be was Izabella Rose or Izzy. It may sound strange to say this but God literally stepped in and changed her name. In 2014 and through 2015 I had been given the words 'joy' and 'surprised by joy' as something to work towards and hold on to. For a long while I thought these had to do with our big life changes and our moving to the farm. As our adoption journey continued, however, I got the feeling that joy was in fact Joy, a person, referring to our daughter. I prayed a lot for our daughter throughout our two year journey but at this time I started to pray joy over her specifically.  One Sunday morning I met up one of my besties, Ang, for breakfast and prayer. I still remember so clearly that we were sitting at the edge of the Zoo Lake, watching the ducks, and Ang was praying for Sean and I and our unknown daughter. She started praying about joy for us, joy for our daughter; JOY JOY JOY. I had not mentioned my idea that 'joy' referred to our daughter but in that moment I felt God was whispering the name 'Izabella-Joy'. And that is how Izabella-Joy got her name; Joyfully Devoted to God. And let me add, she lives up to her name in every way! Not only is she is delight and joy to us and all who meet her, but she has so much joy inside of her; a joy that bubbles up and over in her beautiful smile and sweet little laugh.

And Now:

Our beautiful Izzy

Fast forward to today, 24 June 2016. Izzy has been with us for two months and eleven days. Not once in that time have we ever doubted that this precious little girl is and always was destined to be OUR DAUGHTER. We could not love her more. I love her with every inch of my being; I loved her long before I met her.  Although bonding and attachment is a journey, there is no doubt in our minds that she knows that we are her mom and dad and that she is home, where she belongs. When Izzy smiles at Sean, he just melts. Part of this may be that she is his little girl, but I think a bigger part is that her smile means 'I trust you. I am yours and you are mine'. Our little fighter girl was born eight weeks premature, removed from the only safe space she knew for nearly 9 months, born with clubbed feet and put in casts at birth, heavily jaundiced at a few days old, moved from the hospital she was born in, to a special foster home and then moved again to our family. So in her smile and laugh, saying 'I trust you', means the world to us!

Last Thoughts:

Through this journey I have learnt so much but what is most precious to me is getting a glimpse into God's heart for adoption.  I have only seen wave after wave of His grace pour over us since Izzy came home. There is too much to mention it all but His grace has been evident in everything from the outpouring of love and emotional support, meals, celebrations and gifts to friends financially sponsoring physio appointments, pediatric physios charging next to nothing for their expertise (and so on and so on)... It is by this grace and through my love for Izzy that I feel I have caught just a little glimpse into how much God loves me (and us) as His adopted child.

Our special daughter was worth every moment of frustration; all the tears, all the waiting and all the longing. God knew each moment, He knew our daughter and He had always known that she was to be ours and we were to be hers.  I cannot wait to be able to share her beautiful face but for now, meet the feet that will fit those shoes that we had up around our house:

    

"How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news,

who proclaim peace, who bring good tidings, who proclaim salvation..." (Isaiah 52:7)

**If you missed my first adoption blog post and would like to read what came before this blog post you can find it at: 

http://walkervilleadventure.blogspot.co.za/2016/02/adoption-tragedy-and-privilege.html

Red pill, blue pill?

One of the primary reasons for this blog, is nothing more than a story book for our family in years to come. I mean, we all love a good story right, but what could be better than a good story, that actually happened, and you're in the cast! Well on that note, our story was beginning to sound a little bit scary at the conclusion of my previous post, and here we are, 4 months later with an update due. In true left brain fashion, please forgive me for simply copying the points from my previous post and pasted them below, along with a corresponding update...

- My work with The Hope Factory has all but dried up. To date this has covered about 60% of our living expenses

Update: What I didn't mention at the time, was that in December an old church friend of mine had popped around for a catch-up, and a couple days later we received R40k in our bank account - go figure! Other than being totally humbled and inspired by my mate's generosity, I couldn't help but marvel at how this absolutely 'out of the blue' donation carried us through the 1st 3 months of the year, with my work at the Hope Factory recommencing in April (just as the money ran out). Thank Timo and Lindsey for being Gods bankers!

- Our Sandton flat rental, which makes up another 30% of the budget, is unoccupied as i speak.

Update: I write this update with a smile on my face... Because despite being on our 3rd set of tenants in 12 months, we have never had a month without rent, which is exactly what God promised Dannean when we undertook to rent out our flat - knowing that just one month without rental income would break our budget... 

- The 10 or so family and friends who have been contributing to our budget will be closing the taps as of March

Update: This has come and gone, and we cannot thank our dear family and friends enough for supporting us like they did for the past 12 months. And although it was a little tempting when offered continued support for another year by some, we just felt that to do so would not be in a spirit of faith, but instead one of reliance. And so the R6k hole that was left in our budget has been primarily addressed through our revised 'faith' budget, which in case you were wondering, is a budget that moves from policy protection to faith prevention... Or said another way, if you believed nothing could go wrong in your life that God couldn't take care of, you wouldn't really need to insure it right. You get the picture. Included below is a pic of 3 of our donors who could make our thank you dinner - Jason & Rene Goldberg and Nicky van der Westhuizen - thank you!

To Luke & Maureen Krige, Nick & Katherine York, Grant & Mel Webber, Arnie & Chantel Swiegers, Danny & Ruth Tanser, Lorenzo & Jo Delaurentis, Elaine Dougherty, Alice & Paul Schoolman, Angie Goodrich, Tim and Lindsey Greenway - Thank you! (and we missed your dearly)

- I have not received much interest as regards funding of the motorized bicycle business, which i had hoped would be up and running by now

After JZ's finance minister fiasco, and the associated plummeting Rand a couple months back, the bicycle business was , and still is, a non starter! (Importing dollar denominated parts from China doesn't work on a weak Rand). This was sad for me, but if I'm honest about the amount of effort and energy it would have taken to start and maintain such a business, I can't help but think that God really did answer our prayers - all be it not according to our script. A personal thank you to Greg Byron for your generosity and faith in sowing into the business concept. I know God will repay you handsomely.

- Dannean is planning her 1st full year of homeschooling Tristan and Connor this year, which is obviously something she has never done before (teach yes, home-school no), and there is a great difference between the 2 we have discovered!

To our surprise and joy, home schooling thus far has been a wonderful addition. Dannean is thoroughly enjoying being a part of the boys developmental journey, and to be able to do so in these formative years, is leaving us more and more convinced of the merits thereof. How exactly she schools the 2 boys - aka the 'tsotsi's - with Izabella-Joy on her hip, remains a mystery to me, and a sure sign of super human attributes! I must add that a weekly highlight for me, is to over hear the boys taking their zulu class with Thembi (our zulu nanny), and counting to 10 in zulu as fluently as they do in english - Heibo!

- We continue to wait on Loftie, our adoption social worker, to identify an adoptable baby daughter for our family, who when she arrives (which could be anytime) will be added to the stormy waters above!

Where do I start!? Well, they say a picture says a thousand words, so I'll save you the reading with a photo (albeit a non close up, given that our little adopted princess still falls in the mandatory 90 days legal notice). Izabella-Joy (Izzy) has been with us for just over a month now, and has all of us totally smitten! We thank God for adding her to our family, which while on one hand was a journey filled with much emotion, on the other hand the manner in which our prayers were answered was honestly breathtaking! (something i'm sure Dannean will write about in her next post).

Other developments...

- I continue to explore farming possibilities, having had great fun growing and cooking a variety of our own vegetables these past 6 months. I have also recently completed a course entitled 'Farming Gods Way' with my Malawian friend Ian (he works on the farm), and hope to see how this amazing course can be more widely promoted and facilitated as a ground breaking alternative to the current farming techniques and practices in sub Saharan Africa.

- I have become involved in the leadership of the compassionate action ministry within our local church, and hope to see this facilitate real influence in meeting the endless list of needs prevailing in many of the informal settlements and communities in the south of Jo'burg. I must however add, that the meeting of these needs is without a doubt best done within the context of a personal relationship wherever possible, as where this is absent, the need remains a problem to be solved, and not a person to be loved. I was reminded of this afresh this past weekend, while celebrating with Thembi (our nanny) the arrival of electricty to her home (shack). My hope is that all our kids will grow up not knowing or caring for the difference between race, income or culture!

- Since the beginning of the year I have been involved in a little pet project set on developing a 'discipleship in a box' solution to a problem that continues to plague the church at large i believe - that problem being the challenge associated with making and releasing biblical disciples. This remains my greatest passion at present, and while it doesn't pay the bills this side of eternity (sorry babes!), i really hope it will on the other side!

On a parting note, I would say my greatest lesson since my last blog post, is that things often don't work out as expected, and therein lies a choice... One option is to exercise our right to make a plan, or solve the problem. This would seem the correct answer at face value, I mean doesn't solving problems constitute about half of our waking hours?! This is true, but I would add it depends what kind of problem it is... For example, if it's needing to change the baby's nappy or your car tyre, there's not much more to do than that. 

However, when the problem has to do with how we want life to work out, or line up with our goals and plans, that's a different story entirely. From a young age, most of us had (and continue to have) it drummed into our heads, that unless you know where you're going, and how you're going to get there, you're not going to 'make it'. The problem with this however, is that no one ever really defines what 'making it' (outside of making money), really is??

Well, here's one for the record... I can truly say, that it is by nothing other than the grace of God, that we are starting to discover what 'making it' actually is... And let me assure you, that if you had given Dannean and I my updated definition (below) on our wedding day 9 years ago, we would have both probably died of fright or laughter! (I'm not quite sure which one).

'Making it' in my opinion, is...

 - Challenging the status quo, not to be different, but to make a difference...
 - Walking away from safety where it fuels ignorance, pessimism or fear...
 - Living by faith, a faith that could cost you your salary, pension, position, reputation (basically anything more important to you than Jesus)
 - Being the change you want to see in your community / country...
 - Understanding that character is built on the journey, never at a destination...
 - Being honest to your convictions, despite what people think or say...

 - In a nutshell, Taking the red pill... (Jesus called it losing your life, so that you could find real life)

LOVE!

Adoption: the Tragedy and Privilege

I was going to call this post  'The heart of an adoptive mom - to - be'.  But then I thought about it and realised, I am already a mom. A mom to two gorgeous boys. Our little girl to be is not going to make me a mom. She is simply going to add to the beauty and blessing of what I already am.

A little pair of Princess shoes: these sit between a mom and her
 two boys and a family of four in our bedroom. A reminder of our
beautiful addition to come!

For the sake of anyone who has not seen our news on Facebook and for the fact that this blog is really also a precious record of my own thoughts and journey, I would like to back track a bit. To the part about adoption. For as long as I can remember I have always wanted to adopt. Sean and I had the discussion in our premarital counselling and it was wonderful to know that his heart was aligned with mine in this area. Fast forward to 2014; nearly 7 years of marriage and two little boys later... I always knew that I was not going to be a mom of 2. I come from a family of 4 and I love the idea of a bigger family. When Sean and I started the conversation about children again (Connor had just turned 1) it was clear that my husband was leaving the ball in my court as to whether we tried for a third biological child or whether we adopted. Wow! For a mom who loved being pregnant, who loved both (natural) births and adores tiny babies, it was a tough call. I did a lot of praying. A lot of crying. A lot of soul searching. And I realised a few things: 1. I really want a little girl 2. I have always wanted to adopt 3. Yes, I loved the experience of pregnancy and birth but I also loved the experience of getting married and that was not something I was going to do over and over again. And so it was that the seed of adoption, that had been planted many years before, started growing.

Pink shoes in our dining room

Many of the specific details between 2014 and now are rather inconsequential. Our initial time frame was to adopt early in 2015, but with our major lifestyle and financial changes this was put on hold. Until recently. We have already met with a private social worker, done the ground work and given her all the necessary documents. And now, we wait. Not long ago our adoption journey took a big leap forward.  It has been both a very special and yet challenging time for my mommy heart. Special in that, as a family, we have gotten to share our family news about our sweet princess (who still remains unknown to us) and have received such an outpouring of love and support. Challenging... For quite a few reasons, some of which were expected and some of which took me by surprise. These are what I would like to share...

Longing: I was incredibly blessed to bond immediately with both my boys when they were still in the womb. But from the time I shared my decision to adopt our little girl,with Sean, my longing for this daughter of ours has been indescribable. There are days where my arms have ached with the longing to hold her and kiss her sweet face. There are times when I think my heart is going to explode with love and anticipation. Although I have not met her in person yet, I feel that my spirit is completely connected to our little girl. I pray for her all the time. I long for her to 'know' that she is already loved and longed for by her family. This family.

Feeling invisible: Let me start by saying that I am incredibly grateful for the outpouring of love and support that we have received from both family and friends, near and far. I am also especially thankful to Alexa and Jackie who, between them, are walking or have walked this journey themselves. They have been my counselors, cheerleaders, helpers and prayer warriors in this. But I also have to admit that at times I feel incredibly lonely. And totally invisible. Why do I say this? Well, I guess because in a biological pregnancy there is a bump to show, movements to feel, scans to look at. There is an outward presence which clearly points to an inward miracle and that reflects heartfelt feelings and emotions. I do not have any outward 'pregnancy' signs but what is happening and changing and growing inside of my heart and emotions (and that of my family) is just as beautiful, miraculous and life changing. I do want to be asked how I am, about how I feel and how we are planning for the changes to come. I may not have the baby bump and any other outward signs but I carry our daughter heavily in my mommy heart.

Grief: This was something that took me completely by surprise. Not so long ago, I went through some time when I felt a grief as intense as I did when my dad died. It took me a while to understand that I was grieving two very different things. Firstly (and again rather surprisingly) I grieved the biological child we had chosen NOT to have.  It seemed strange at the time to grieve for someone who we never intended to bring into this world biologically. But in hind sight, it makes a bit more sense to me now. Secondly, my grief centered around not being the one to carry this daughter in my womb and not being the mom to help bring her into this world. Of course, again, perhaps this seems hard to get one's head around. She wouldn't be THIS daughter if I was the one to carry and birth her. I know grief to be a strange thing and I simply accepted it for what it was and let myself feel the emotions that were there.

Birth mom: I have read, reread and memorised this quote by Jody Landers. For me it sums up everything I feel about the beauty of gain and the pain of loss in an adoption story. I think a lot about our daughter's 'tummy' or birth mom. And I pray for her too. As a mom myself I can think of no greater love nor sacrifice than to hand over a child to be mothered by another, however this 'hand over' looks. We do not know our daughter's adoption story yet. And even when we do, it will be hers and hers alone to share. But what I do know is that the privilege of being our daughter's mommy will only come from the tragedy of another mommy's heart breaking choice. And because of that, our mommy hearts will forever be connected by the invisible cord that we call 'mom'.

So, as we wait in much faith and anticipation for the Joy of our daughter who is to come, I take comfort in doing what I can to continue to prepare for her; mentally, emotionally, spiritually and now more than ever, practically and physically.  We have placed little pairs of shoes in a few strategic places in our house. These keep us thinking of her and praying for her. They also help make what is unseen, more tangible. The wait feels long. But we know she will be worth it!                  
       

                                                   

                                                                         More Princess shoes in our lounge

You Make Me Brave

I don't think I've ever been as expectant for a new year as I am for 2016... My rationale in this regard however, is, how do I say, not so rational. There's a great account in the bible however, that helps me understand the rationale of irrational faith. I'm sure you know the story, the disciples are in the boat, in a very stormy sea...

"And in the fourth watch of the night he (Jesus) came to them, walking on the sea. 26 But when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were terrified, and said, “It is a ghost!” and they cried out in fear. 27 But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, “Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid.” 28 And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” 29 He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind,[c] he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” 31 Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” - Matt. 14 v25-31.

So Peter asks Jesus if he can get out of the boat, and come to him on the water. Mmm, that wasn't terribly rational if you think about it... In fact, it had no basis in reality whatsoever! But we all know that Peter does the impossible. The irresistible call and power of the God-man Jesus, standing before him on the waves, was enough for Peter to cast reality aside, and step out of the boat on that stormy night.

Here's my point. A new year always offers up time for us to press the reset button, about what we would like to see change or happen. Sometimes however (most times!), it feels like these things are just straight impossible or irrational. Not so with Jesus, because the God-man still stands on the waves before you and I today. 

With this in mind, and for us as a family, 2016 has had a pretty stormy start... 

• My work with The Hope Factory has all but dried up. To date this has covered about 60% of our living expenses
• Our Sandton flat rental, which makes up another 30% of the budget, is unoccupied as i speak
• The 10 or so family and friends who have been contributing to our budget will be closing the taps as of March
• I have not received much interest as regards funding of the motorized bicycle business, which i had hoped would be up and running by now
• Dannean is planning her 1st full year of homeschooling Tristan and Connor this year, which is obviously something she has never done before (teach yes, home-school no), and there is a great difference between the 2 we have discovered!
• We continue to wait on Loftie, our adoption social worker, to identify an adoptable baby daughter for our family, who when she arrives (which could be anytime) will be added to the stormy waters above!

I have often heard said, that of all the people in the bible, Peter offers more hope than most when it comes to being used and delivered by God, despite being an outspoken, over-confident, foot in mouth, fisherman. Lets just say me and Peter have a lot in common! So at times like this, when the the wind is howling and the waves are washing on board, God's word (the bible) reminds me that Peter got out of a boat, in a storm, and did the impossible. 

But not only that, it also tells me that before I expect the impossible, and do the irrational, I must ask myself... Will this step of 'faith' be taking me closer to Jesus? If not, well then I have faith, but it's not in the master of the universe! Peter only walked on the water because of who he was walking toward, and so it must be for you and I!

Time will tell (and my next post!) if we manage the impossible, but for now, my darling wife and I feel brave enough to get out of the boat... But only because of the one who beckons;

"Do not be afraid.. Come, O you of little faith"

LOVE