5 weeks to go...

In 5 weeks time, if all goes according to plan, Dannean and I should be well into unpacking our boxes and lives in our new home and community in Walkerville.

5 weeks... I sigh at the prospect of what the next 5 weeks will hold, knowing that God has promised he is with us, but also knowing that he prizes our faith to highly to make this easy.

I catch myself thinking, what would I say to the Lord at this very moment were he to grant me an audience (which of course we have through prayer), just sometimes I find it helps me to put my thoughts and feelings into words... in this instance into writing. Please bear with me!

Me: Lord, I feel like I'm about to bite off a bit more than I can chew... I've always had a tendancy to over simply and even glorify doing things differently, but the reality of actually taking 1 giant step in a direction totally different to anything that I actually know or have experience in, is starting to feel a little more than foreign...

God: I see Sean

Me: Jesus, I love the fact that you know me better than I know myself, and that you promise to be with me and our family wherever we go, and in whatever we do, but I'm just wondering what this is actually going to all look like, and hoping that as much as I believe you have brought us to this decision as a family (even with Dannean's blessing and amazing support), this isn't about to be a wilderness experience...

God: Sean, you know I will only ever give you what is best for you

Me: Yes, I know you are for us Lord, but I fear that my thoughts are not your thoughts, and my ways are not your ways, and that everything I have in my mind might be nothing you have in your plans!! I am beginning to feel an increasing need for control and having a say in my own destiny... Is this wrong? How do I really know if my hearts desires are from you? 

God: Perfect love casts out all fear Sean

Me: Ok... So I do feel bold in the knowledge that you have never failed me Lord, and I am about to need you more than I have ever needed you in my life, and not only for my sake, but for the sake of those that are most precious to me in this world. But, I am fearful in the knowledge that you write our life script from the end to the beginning, and this means that potentially, much of what I am hopeful and expectant for in the coming few months and years, might have very little to do with what you have planned for me... Am I making sense?

God: Not really Sean. Are saying that you are fearful of the very thing you profess to trust and worship... Me? Why would I scare you Sean? If you would never cause any harm to your children, why would I do so to mine? To you?

Me: I don't know Lord... I just don't know.

God: That's ok. Psalm 27... the last paragraph. It's for you...

"I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!

Learning to walk a little slower

I am not one to walk anywhere slowly.  In fact, when choosing shoes to wear to the shops, I have been known to choose simply based on the speed in which I need to get from one place to another.  I have recently been planning our boys' combined 4th and 2nd birthday party.  This year, unlike the others, we are not doing it at a kid's venue but rather at a park.  This means we are doing all the food, the cake, the decor etc etc.  It has been fun but in amongst all the other admin of moving it has also been very busy.  A few weeks ago I read a blog by a well known homeschool mom.  She started off with this quote by Ann Voskamp:

"Being in a hurry. Getting to the next thing without fully entering the thing in front of me. I cannot think of a single advantage I've ever gained from being in a hurry. But a thousand broken and missed things, tens of thousands, lie in the wake of all the rushing.... Through all that haste I thought I was making up time. It turns out I was throwing it away."

I literally stopped right in my tracks.  I looked back on my day that day and recalled wondering why I was in such a rush.  What was I rushing to do and get done? Party stuff, yes, but then what.  There and then I made my first resolution: to slow down and enjoy the planning.  To let the boys help with the fun stuff like decorating cakes and cupcakes and making party packs (even if it took longer and wasn't 'perfect').  This same mom wrote about her experience many years before of her daughter's 5th birthday party.  She told of how she was so busy cooking, cleaning and preparing that she lost sight of what it was all really about and what was truly important.  This was just what I needed to hear at exactly the right time.  My A type, somewhat perfectionist, personality wanted everything perfect for the boys on their special day.  But if I am honest, I wanted things perfect for me.  To Tristan and Connor, a party with some treats, balloons and friends is all they needed to have a fun time.  And so after reading this whole blog, I made my second resolution for the day.  I was going to my best to do things well but I would not lose sight of what was important about this day - celebrating our boys!  I think, for the most part, I did a pretty good job!  And just as well I made this conscious decision beforehand because despite Sean and I praying, and despite it being the hottest, sunniest week ever, on the day of the party it rained! Poured! But, all our special people came, the kids had a blast, the day was such a relief in its coolness and Tristan and Connor had the time of their lives.  THAT is what it was all about and that is what truly mattered.

Doing It Scared

Bungee jumping, scuba diving, the cocoa pan at Gold Reef City and parktown prawns... All of these things sCAaRe me (and I am sure I am not alone in this).  Needless to say I have never bungee jumped nor gone diving (just the thought of being confined under water makes me need to take deep breaths!) and I stay as far away from parktown prawns as possible. Until now, the only thing I can think of that I have ever done scared is go down the last rapid on the Orange River in a canoe.  The rapid is called Sjambok and unless well navigated, canoes tip over and canoe occupants potentially get sucked under the water for a while and churned up a bit further down the rapid.  There is the option to walk alongside the rapid on the rocks but on this day, I decided to join Sean in our canoe and face my fear head on. I was petrified...terrified... And I think I may have cried a bit (okay, a LoT) but I decided that I was going to do it scared.  And I did.

Why am I talking about fears and canoe trips?

Well, you see, this past week was hard. My emotions were in an uproar, my faith felt fragile and to be honest I was really just doing what I could to get through one day at a time.  Why was this week different to any other?  Well, the week wasn't different.  I was different. 

With any big life change I think there are going to be days when the decision seems right and the road we have chosen seems easy and worthwhile.  But there are also going to be days when the weight of what these life changes mean bear down hard.  I have been trying to work out why I have some hard weeks which feel worse than what the normal weight of these life changes should feel.  I have come to one conclusion.  It all depends on where I cast my eyes. 

During the easier weeks, my eyes are focused upwards, off myself, off my circumstances and onto Him who I believe holds, sustains and protects and provides all things.  During the hard weeks, I am different - my eyes are on me, on my inability to control, on my circumstances.  I suppose you could say that I am looking at the water and the waves that my feet are walking on, rather than the One who is walking with me in this place.   I told Sean last night that for me, this whole life change is like permanently walking on water.  And let me just say, that with every step we take forward, I am doing this scared!  Very scared!!  And that's okay.  But I do need to keep my head up and focused on the right things if I want to keep going.  I have been thinking about something a lot today - about doing things scared.  It seems that in my world I have always assumed that if something scares me, I mustn't do it.  Why is that?  Why is it that I have never bungee jumped or been on the cocoa pan at Gold Reef City? Imagine what I could be missing out on by saying no to what scares me (parktown prawns excluded).

And this is just my point.  Our move out of the city, to a new and strange place, away from those I love and all that is familiar to me; this not only scares me... It terrifies me.  But, I am doing it and I am doing it sCaReD!  It has been a phrase that I have said over and over 'I'm scared but that's okay, I am doing this scared'.  And in some strange way, this is helpful. Helpful to acknowledge my fear, but do it anyway.  And just like bungee jumping and scuba diving, only time will tell what it is that I (and therefore we) could have missed out on if I had given into fear this time and said 'No', rather than, for the second time in my life, acknowledging that I am scared and doing it - regardless!

Swimming Upstream

Sean and I have called our big move 'Project Treetops'.  To understand why, it would be best to read the link given in my previous post. There is something remarkably beautiful about trees in general but as our move out of Sandton slowly creeps up on us, I find myself stopping to actually admire the breath taking views of the trees. My favourite view is from William Nicol drive, as I head down towards where we live.  I can see the Sandton skyline and the Riverclub golf course and just trees, trees, trees.  I have tried to capture this on camera - but some things should just be left captured in the heart and mind and I think this is one of them!  It is strange to think that soon this is not going to be the place I call home.  I have lived in Joburg almost all my life, always in the Northern suburbs and currently for my whole married life.  Our little flat has seen much in these eight years: Sean and I as a newly wed couple, the birth of our first and then second little blessing and now their fourth and second birthdays, our sweet cat Onyx who lived and died here, friends, family and more.  It is going to be a hard good bye!

But enough about that!  

We are truly well on our way into 2015 (I cannot believe January is over!). At the moment we are in a quiet lull with regards to our move to Walkerville; although Sean is looking for work and I am about to embark head first into finding us a place to live in April.  What has been a big change for me is that I am not working and that I have started the journey of HOMESCHOOLING our two boys!  I am keen to share my homeschooling journey right from the start as, nearly one month in, I have already wanted to give it up twice and have spent a rather large amount of time crying (and praying)!

I sent Sean a wattsapp message the other day saying: "It's hard swimming upstream - just saying". I could have added "Homeschooling is not for sissies" or even "Homeschooling is not the easy option". Moms who hear that I am home with the boys full time tend to tell me how lucky I am...and I am indeed very blessed to be able to do this (I won't go into the cost we need to count in terms of cutting budgets etc).  However, I cannot pretend that this is the easy option.  Oh, to drop my two little beauties off with someone at 8am and collect them again at 12pm while I spend my morning in adult company, earning a bit of income (she says wistfully).  But this is not what we have decided is best for our boys.  Not because someone else cannot look after them or teach them well, but because as their mom, I have a vested interest in their learning and education and this way, we get to choose what I teach and how I teach it.  On one of my meltdown days, my experienced homeschooler friend Jo called and said something profoundly helpful.  She said that my worst day as a mom with our boys will likely be far better than any teacher's worst day with our boys.  Not for any other reason than that I am mom!! That helped - a lot!  

In my first post I ended off by saying that as we go forward I need to to take a deep breath and dive deep- I was not joking. I find myself having to do this on a regular basis every day. Sometimes deep breaths and a "Jesus help me!" are the only things separating me from sanity and wanting to lie on my bed,cover my ears and scream...or cry...or both!

BUT the big question...

Has it (all four weeks of it) been worth it? And the answer...a resounding YES!

Every tear - mine and theirs

Every time my heart has broken when Tristan says he has no friends and I can see him struggling so much

Every tantrum - theirs mostly (and perhaps a few of my own)

Every exhausted moment when I feel I just need a cup of coffee and some time out

Every time I watch as our two boys bond so beautifully: sharing toys and affection, playing together and just enjoying each other

Every teachable moment

Every time I see how much the boys love being with their mom and having her time and attention...

It has all been absolutely, 100% worth it. 

I still feel inadequate, I still feel overwhelmed by the amount of choice out there, I still question how much formal vs informal teaching I should be doing with my boys at this age.  I still have challenges with behaviour of one on one day and the other the next day. But in four weeks, with mainly incidental learning rather than anything formal, I can honestly say that I can already see positive changes. The boys feel secure in our togetherness, they love being with me and having my attention. I have noticed how we are all being knitted together in unity. It feels like this unseen magnetic field pulling us closer together. We are a team.  Tristan, Connor and I.  And I must add that Sean is fully on board with this and immensely supportive.  The boys are spending more time with him as he adjusts his priorities and him and I are having lovely couch times (chatting) and prayer times.

Really, what more could I ask for? 

Project Treetops

In a recent IMX report (which profiles one's values and several other character traits), I came out with a caution rating of 99 out of 100.  Let me say that again, in another way. On a scale of 0 to 100, my cautious personality is profiled at 99. This means: I don't do adrenalin, I don't do adventure, I dislike change, I think about every eventuality (twice) and I certainly do not do the unexpected.  Why then, at the age of 36, am I embarking on a new venture to move with Sean and our two boys out of the city and far into the unknown?  Why am I saying yes to budget cuts, homeschooling and farm living... and no to conventional schooling, Discovery Health, Pick n Pay and traffic? Why am I agreeing to move out of our lovely flat in the heart of Sandton, away from friends, further from family (well, mom, to be precise) and move waaaaaay down south onto someone else's property and far into the unknown?  Well, to be honest, the answer is not short or particularly simple but it is clear.  And to explain I need to take a step back a bit - so here goes:

January 2014

At the start of 2014, on the drive home from holiday in the new year, I had a little cry about the fact that 2014 was going to be CONSISTENT. No new pregnancies or babies, some more financial security and no major changes on the horizon.  I felt God actually gave me the word 'Consolidation' for 2014 and indeed, it was exactly that, a year of consolidation. Quite ridiculous, looking back, to think that I actually had a cry about the lack of change the year would bring! What Sean and I did know, was that 2015 would be the year of big change. We just did not know what that change would look like.

Fast forward to October 2014:

We spent many months praying, fasting and seeking God. In June we left our home church, which we had been at for 8 years, asking that instead of them seeing us as leaving, they see it as releasing us instead into what we feel God is calling us too.  We still didn't know what that was but we felt we were collecting puzzle pieces.  In late September, we took a little family weekend away to friends in Magaliesburg.  I recall saying to Sean that I felt a change in the Spirit for us - and indeed, not long after, we started to really see the clearer picture.  I won't go into the finer details of what this big change involves.  For those details please go to: http://www.evernote.com/l/Abtij4G6lZFF6LQaOoMv5GkMwMYwV_BYhEY/.

What I will say is that looking back I clearly can see God's hand in our decisions.
  

And here we are... 2015:

Our move does require some guts, a lot of faith, an upstream swim and walking the narrow path.  What makes 'Mrs 99 out of 100 Cautious Girl' decide to say yes? Well, firstly, it's a yes to God. Of course I am praying like mad that He not only is calling us to this but is holding our hands and walking with us towards it too. Secondly, at 36, I decided that I do not want to look back on my life at the end and realise, I never took a chance, I never risked anything and I always played it 99% safe. I do not want to be the reason for holding back our little family (especially our boys) from what could possibly be the best thing we ever do.  Sean made it clear that if I cannot make this move and change, we don't do it (I was having a bad day) - he is not going anywhere without me.  Lastly, it is now or never! Our boys are young, we have little holding us back in terms of ties to where we live, work and school and we really have nothing (except maybe pride) to lose.

So, as 2015 begins, we take a huge breath, prepare to dive deep and just start swimming swimming swimming!