Rescued!! (From the Life I Thought I Wanted)

There is a book that caught my eye recently entitled: Falling Free: Rescued from the life I always wanted. This title totally captured me and got me thinking a lot about my own life. I haven't read the book yet, but I have a good idea of what it is about and I do intend to read it soon. In the mean time I have been stepping back and thinking about the life I thought I wanted; the life I pictured many years ago versus the life I find myself staring at, just three months away from my 40th birthday!

And this is what it feels like...

Picture 1

Honestly, the picture above sums up everything I could possibly say about my life in one shot. I could literally end this post here and sign off! (But I won't). Sean sent me the picture a little while ago. He clearly knows me and my emotions extremely well because I laughed (and laughed and laughed) out loud.  I identify, in every way, with the little kid in this photo; permanently holding on (white knuckles and all) as the roller coaster that is my life twists and turns and often turns me upside down. 

So if this above is my life, then what is the life I thought I wanted and how have I been rescued?

It was only around the age of 23 or so that marriage crossed my mind. If I'd had my way, I would have married any of the following men: 

1.  an arty, creative type

2.  an English doctor 7 years older than me (we were very nearly engaged) 

3.  a Scott's man from the Sheland Islands (just for his accent!)

4.  a muso (I was always a groupie)  and 

5.  a wealthy businessman

Let me just say that all of these men would have been wonderful; I was simply not the right one for them. What they all have in common though is this: they loved God, were normal, down to earth, stable, financially secure and similar enough to me in personality. Fast forward to me marrying Sean. Sean, my delightful yet totally unexpected life partner; an upstream swimmer, entrepreneur by heart, total extrovert, hyperactive, minimal sleep needing, fearless, change-loving, God-loving (but not church going) HUSBAND. Oh my word, could two people be so different??

Now (I ask myself) how about the house in the North of Johannesburg, the 2.4 children and white picket fence?  Well, there was a point in time when I was single and was never planning to leave Sheffield in the UK (I was applying for work permits). I left because I felt a strong sense that God was calling me home (and I cried for three solid months!). At the time I came back to South Africa I strongly felt that I was being called to be a missionary into Africa then later I thought I wanted to work full time in church. I ended up teaching, lecturing and (as Ang likes to tell people) perhaps now I am a modern day missionary in my own back yard...  

How about the stable monthly income (once married) and happy life of a stay at home mum? I knew I wanted 3 children and I knew I wanted to adopt. I definitely wanted to be a stay-home-mum, with my 3 little darlings trotting off to school every day. BUT more than anything I always wanted and expected total financial security (with a bit of home life certainty and stability thrown into the mix)! 

So, to summarise, if all my prayers had been answered I would have been married to man 1-5 above (PS by the age of 25 and not nearly 29 as happened), living in Sheffield (or as a missionary in some country in Africa). I could have been living in Joburg and working full time in church. I could also possibly be a stay-home-mum (maybe I would have volunteered my time at church). I would have 3 kids (yay - one thing I thought!). My hubby would  be working 9 - 5 and bringing in uber amounts of cash. Life would be secure, certain and stable!

Is this how my life turned out?? Was God's plan for my life the same as the life I thought I wanted? (Please refer to picture 1 above for answer😃)... 

Absolutely, utterly, totally, blatantly, unwavering-ly NOT!! 

And boy oh boy am I so grateful for this! I am so thankful that God did not answer all my prayers the way I hoped He would. I am so thankful that Sean is the man I married. I am truly thankful that God indeed rescued me from the life I thought I wanted!

All the things I have spoken about above formed the image I had of the life I thought I wanted; they are the things I was rescued from. But what have I been taken to?

I have been rescued from that life of security, certainty and stability and taken to a life where nothing is sure or set or 'safe'. Despite being someone whose caution levels are 99/100, I think I would have been pretty bored and under stimulated had I been living the 'normal' life I pictured. I am no less cautious as a person now and most of the time I do things scared (see face of ME in picture above). But I enjoy being free! Currently Sean and I have nothing holding us down; we no longer own a flat, we rent our property, our kids are not at school and Sean is not office bound. For some this may sound crazy and daunting but for me (believe it or not) I find it exciting! I find myself feeling full of anticipation for what may come.  We can do anything and go anywhere. We have stuck our hands up and said: Lord use us! We are free for him to and hope he will.  

(Aside: we have no plans to go anywhere right now so there is nothing I am holding back on...)

I do not live in a house with a white picket fence. Rather I live in a house on a beautiful community farm, with some people we love nearby and a lot of space for kids to play. I would never have imagined this and we would not be here if I hadn't taken the prompting and said "Yes!" to uncertainty, less security and another way of life. I personally think we live in the nicest place in Joburg (come and visit us if you haven't already). I am not a missionary in another African country nor do I work full time (or volunteer) for a church. In fact, we are currently not attending a specific church as we have kindly been released to explore a different expression of our faith. Okay, let me rephrase: Sean has felt called to explore a different expression of faith, church and discipleship and as he leads, (and I agree) I follow. We are still blessed to have many of our previous church friends still loving us and supporting us as we explore what this expression of faith means on a practical level. 

Cuddles in bed in pjs cos we don't have
to get up early for school!

One thing I did think I wanted was to be a stay-home-mum of three! And that, I am! But my three kids do not toddle off to school everyday. Rather, I have been 'taken' to being that of a homeschool mom. It is unbelievably challenging and yet unbelievably rewarding. Challenging because I am home with my children ALL DAY LONG and rewarding because I get to watch my three darlings grow, we get to do life together and oh boy do I love seeing Tristan learn to read and write! (Currently Connor is on a school sabbatical of his own choice. He is slowly coming back to doing one activity a day with me. Izzy is on a 'manage on a day to day' basis as she is too young to just get on with doing her own thing).

I have been rescued from a life of financial security, a life with a husband who works a 9 to 5 and who brings home the 'bacon', predictably, month in and month out. (I take a little breath here before I continue writing... this is a hard one for me on so many levels but there is always a but, or a YET...). YET, what I and we as a family have gained is so much more than I could ever have thought I wanted! I have a husband who I connect with; have breakfast, lunch and dinner with, drink coffee in bed with, talk and pray with. I have a husband who takes our three children almost every morning until 7am (!) so I can rest and who then brings me coffee in bed. I have a husband who plays with our three children (and many of the other children on the farm) from 5pm so that I can have space (And when I say 'plays' I mean soccer, cricket and a whole lot of action games that he has made up). I have a family who has dinner together almost every night, children who get read to by their dad almost every night and prayed with and over at 6.30am each morning. My children have a father who schools them for 1 hour each Thursday so I can prep, who takes Tristan to Cubs every Friday (and holds his hand for a while because he is still shy and hasn't made a friend). My boys have a dad they can look up to and find their identity in and with and my daughter has a dad who is present and gives her the security she needs. This, and so much more! And all because he has TIME! (And I have time, and we as a family have time). I may have thought that I wanted money, and a lot of it, but now it is clear that what I truly value is TIME; and I am so grateful that we have it.

To end off I just want to clarify a few things... This post is very personal and specific to me and to who I am. I am in no way judging anyone else's life by what I say that I have been rescued from and by what I have been taken to. We are all called to be true to what has been asked of us. Added to this, I know that our family is far from perfect; I can be a firey and impatient mom, Sean and I don't always see eye to eye (and can be quite verbal about it😂) and our kids have been known to exasperate us to the point of insanity. Some may think we are brave and others, I am sure, think we are just plain stupid. Either way, both Sean and I feel fully that we are doing what we are called to do right now. This may change, this may look different some day, but for now THIS IS US.