What we have here... is a failure to launch!

I woke up this morning with such a longing to write again... That is blog again about where we find ourselves in our life's journey. My last post was 6 months ago, and was filled with much hope and exuberance at the prospect of taking a 1 year road trip through South Africa. So sure and excited was I by this dream of ours, that we even created a new blog entitled 'Tata-Ma-Mzansi-Adventure', and boldly shared our plans far and wide. I think at the same time we were glad to be seeing this blog (Our Walkerville Adventure) come to a close, and to move on to newer and better things. Not that the last 5 years haven't been awesome, but it just felt like we were running out of railway or steam (I'm not sure which one), and needed a change. A fresh perspective, a change in direction (career for me), as well as the pursuit of other stirrings deep in our hearts (you can read more about this here - relating to our dreamed of SA roadtrip - https://mzansiadventure.blogspot.com/)

Anyway, in the end - that is having spent 6 weeks trying to borrow the R200k we needed to buy the caravan, and kickstart the adventure - we came up R120k short. Eish. That certainly was not in the script, which was quickly replaced by awkward conversations about how we must have heard wrong from God, and how best to pay back all the money we had just borrowed. Eish indeed! Needless to say, I'm quite an upbeat guy, and so I remained convinced that it was rather an error in destination (than in adventure) on our part, and God would surely be sending the updated memo shortly. In fact, I made it clear that the memo should arrive before the conclusion of 2019. The bible says ask (in faith) and you shall receive, and I for one was going to make sure I wasn't short in either department!

And sure enough, in the middle of November last year, God answered (through a good friend of mine) in the form or an incredible job opportunity! For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to get more involved in education (in some shape or form), and it just so happened that this job description ticked all the boxes I could have ever dreamed of... Well, almost all of them (but I'm getting ahead of myself). There was however 1 significant kicker (X-factor), and that was that the job was beyond SA borders... Far beyond! In Nepal (where people go to climb mount Everest) beyond, to be precise! 

And so began the challenging mental and emotional ascent, of deciding whether or not it was indeed our time and call to leave SA, and go on to a much bigger adventure than even a caravan trip around SA. For me, there was little doubt that this was our destiny, but we decided to take a more pragmatic approach, and simply let the interview process run its course, and essentially wait for them to chose me (and not the other way around). And surprisingly enough, a little more than 1 month later, they did... And told me the job was mine if I wanted it.

As you can imagine, this precipitated a massive amount of celebration and expectation on our part, believing that our ship had at last come in, and we were indeed bound for the adventure of our lives, all the while doing it in submission and service to God and His Kingdom (we hoped). It really felt like we had the winning spiritual lottery ticket! And so once again, friends and families were informed, that instead of a caravan trip around SA, we'd be heading off to Nepal to work for an American NGO, doing awesome work on the front lines of education. And so, needless to say, 2020 dawned full of awe, adventure, faith and excitement! Well almost... because the last piece of the job puzzle, that of salary expectations, still remain untested. This was not by accident however, as in my earlier review of salary bands and company remuneration policy, this appeared to be the last thing to worry about. Eish, wrong again! 

Because what I had not anticipated, was that those salary bands actually applied to self-funded US expats, and my salary band was instead bench-marked on non-self-funded, non US expat factors. Not to say that it was a cheeky salary offer, but simply too little security for us to relocate our entire lives, to a foreign country, with a foreign language, in a foreign culture, for a foreign employer, in a foreign job - only to break about even! And so for the 2nd time, in just as many months, the door closed, and to be honest, our hearts just wanted to break. It felt like something had died. And sure, it wasn't a person or beloved pet... but rather a dream. And yet dreams are somehow perhaps a more dangerous death, for therein lies our hopes and aspirations for the future...

Anyway, fast forward 1 month, and here we are... back in Walkerville, only this time a little less adventurous. We've put the kids into school up the road (no more homeschooling), gone back to our little church down the road (no more home / men's church), and plugged back into our beautiful Field community (which is still a piece of heaven on earth). For work, I simply picked up (where I almost left off) paying the bills by contracting to my buddy's business in Sandton, and Dannean will likely get some part time work when the kids have settled into normal school. And so, for the 1st time in 6 months, I feel like I have sufficient tranquility, perspective and capacity to write again... To be me again.

I think one of the reasons I love writing so much, is that it really helps me to process life. It helps me to organize my thoughts, and constructively verbalize my emotions... which up until recently, sounded a lot like this; Lord, what in heaven's name was that all about!? What of all our hopes and dreams, energy and effort, to travel our beloved country, or work for a great foreign based NGO? Not forgetting we did our very best to do it all in faith, and with pure motives Lord... Seriously, what gives!? Fortunately for me, all of this (ranting) is actually not hopeless rhetoric, for if there's one thing that the past 18 years of walking with God has taught me, it's that He's got answers... very good answers. And even though his answers are more often questions, they never fail to lead me beside still waters, or restore my soul... for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me (Psalm 23). 

In conclusion, there's a 2nd thing that the past 18 years of following the Lord has taught me, and it's never to judge God too soon. So I will be reserving my judgement (of the past 6 months) for a little while, and be back with a followup in due course. Until then, Our Walkerville Adventure must go on! Come pay us a visit on the south side whenever you like.

The Great Debate: Should We Stay or Should We Go Now?

SOUTH AFRICA. A country of extremes. 

Charles Dickens could have been describing present day South Africa in his opening lines in A Tale of Two Cities. Truly, for us, it is "...the best of times, ... the worst of times, .... the age of wisdom, ... the age of foolishness, ... the epoch of belief, ... the epoch of incredulity, ... the season of Light, ... the season of Darkness, ... the spring of hope, ... the winter of despair...". We are extreme in wealth and extreme in poverty, extreme in kindness and extreme in brutality, extreme in faith and extreme in despondency. Sometimes I want to harden my heart to all that I see around me and at other times I want to weep with helplessness. And yet, because there is ALWAYS a 'YET', South Africa beats in my veins. It drums in my ears. It floods my senses. My heart and blood beat with the rhythm of Africa. I am in South Africa and South Africa is in me!

I recently had to humble myself and apologise to a dear friend of mine. We had been talking, last year, about South Africa and decision making around immigrating. I had very strong opinions on this; strong opinions that centred around "never", "don't run" and "make sure you are in the will of God". Basically I took it as a personal affront when anyone, especially a close friend, suggested that they were thinking of leaving South Africa. You see, had you asked me at the time if Sean and I would EVER leave South Africa, my answer would have been a very emphatic NO and NEVER. I am not usually the eternal optimist about things but somehow when it comes to SA, reality goes out the window and it is all rainbows and bluebirds.

So what changed?

Well, nothing but also everything.

About two months ago I was having a conversation with another friend of mine about our country. I will not go into detail (as it is not necessary) but the conversation threw me a little (okay, a lot) and I felt like the world changed colour for me. The conversation had been to inform me of some of the political undercurrents happening around South Africa; this was a good thing, as I see now that I can be pretty naive! It caused me to do some research and have some broader conversations with Sean and other friends. Instead of simply skipping optimistically through the South African cosmos flowers I had to ask myself some hard questions; not only in a South African context but also in a world and Biblical context. It was helpful. It was good. And my world recoloured itself again - not quite back to rainbows and bluebirds but back to an optimistic reality.

It was this same conversation that triggered me to ponder over and to ask myself the BIG question about our (cue Johnny Clegg) "cruel, crazy, beautiful" country: Should We Stay or Should We Go?

The day after my world first changed colour I joked with Sean about moving to Ireland (he has an Irish passport). His answer: "Ireland doesn't need us". That got me thinking. What are Sean and I doing, in South Africa, that is making such a huge difference anyway? We desire to make an impact, we want to be used by God to serve people and to help make a difference, but up to now not everything has worked out as we envisioned. So ultimately we are just living our lives. We could "just be living our lives" anywhere, including Ireland. As one question lead to another, I got to asking myself some fundamental questions about the way we choose to live in this precious but broken country of ours:

Do we really make enough of a difference just by loving the people around us? Is it enough that we treat all people with dignity and respect and that we teach our three children to do the same? Is it enough that we teach our children about the injustices of the past while we try to work through our own biases at the same time (I believe that we are all a work in progress)? I don't know for sure, but I would like to think the answer is yes. Yes, it is enough!

The truth is we count the cost whether we stay or whether we go. If we go, we may always feel like foreigners in another land, our hearts may always yearn for the smell and sound and feel of Africa. If we stay then we had better be prepared to fight. I don't think anyone can deny that, despite how far we have come since 1994, there is still a lot to fight for. But how do I "fight"? I cannot fight for all South Africans, I cannot fight for change in parliament but I can fight for our country in my own small way. Every. Single. Day. I can pray. I can vote! 

I can fight to change someone's perception of me, a white woman, and hope that as others do the same (and I know many friends who are) mindsets will change and perspectives will be challenged. 

I can fight by asking the question: "What do you mean by that"; in this way issuing the challenge to think more carefully about stigmas and biases (my own included!). 

I can fight by teaching myself and my children to speak isiZulu, the language most widely spoken in South Africa. My hope is that, by speaking to people in their language, or at least a language widely spoken and understood, we can indeed speak to the heart (Nelson Mandela).

I can fight by treating the people who help us in our home as extended family (which they are) and by paying them a living wage. 

I can fight by reading and educating myself on how the pain of the past has translated into the pain of the present (yes, white privilege). 

I can fight by letting my heart remain soft, by letting God move my heart to the plight of orphans in this country and by practising the star fish theory - I cannot help everyone, every day, but for every person I can and do help, a difference has been made. 

I can fight by intentionally living around and surrounding myself with people who are different to me; people who I can ask hard questions and who will answer, knowing my heart and intentions. People who my African-Princess daughter can identify with and look up to, people who (if I allow them to) can challenge me to be a better me.

So the bottom line of the great debate is this: we (our family) choose to stay (for now). Because while we still have breath, we can fight in any of the ways mentioned above. And if we can still fight then we still have hope. And if we still have hope then we believe that we can make a small difference and we can trust that a lot of small differences can make all the difference. And faith for this is enough! It would be amiss of me not to add that over and above this faith, we do not feel God has called us to be anywhere else other than South Africa. Yet. I add 'yet' because for the first time I realise that as much as I have never felt we would live anywhere other than here, I also realise I could be wrong and ultimately we will go where the will of God leads us.

For those who have left South Africa, I am sorry if I ever judged you unfairly for it. I honour your decision to do what you feel is best. I absolutely love this piece of writing (above) entitled "Africa Smiled" because it is true. Whether you go or whether you stay, Africa is in you; South Africa is in you. And as much as you can leave in body, can you truly ever leave Africa, South Africa, in spirit?

To end I leave you with a poem by C. Emily-Dibb. I dedicate it to you, whether the Great Debate is a conversation you have had, are having, are yet to have or never need to have. For me this poem captures, in words, some of the spirit of South Africa and everything this beautiful country is. It is just a small, imperfect taste of what can never truly be understood about this country unless it is felt, heard and seen.



Disclaimer:

1. These are my own thoughts, feelings and opinions entirely. I do not expect that everyone reading this will agree with everything I have said. And that is okay. 

2. About a week after starting this blog post, Good Things Guy shared a post with a similar name and of a similar nature. I decided to keep mine as is but the one shared on Good Things Guy is certainly worth a read. Read it here... https://www.goodthingsguy.com/opinion/stay-or-go-south-africa/?fbclid=IwAR2YpXu38d-pxFneB8sm_qYNBprKT2lzEE2RYtztMnyceX1h-EkPUjdHz2U

3. For an excellent (slightly older) blog post on paying a living wage, written by Nigel Branken, please click https://www.neighbours.org.za/blog/how-we-came-to-pay-a-living-wage9498794?fbclid=IwAR1QuoB2QUuS5-3jD92y2Tp0A85RBxrTwJsuqALlUTYb-d0XRMbDW2UOTjc

4. For more food for thought and an excellent blog post by Dalene Reyburn on South Africans and emigrating, read https://dalenereyburn.com/2015/03/09/for-the-south-africans-how-to-know-if-you-should-emigrate/

3 years into our Walkerville Adventure... And here's what I know (part 2)

With 3 and a half years under the belt since we emigrated moved to a farm 30km south of JHB, I thought a review of some of my biggest lessons to date, might make for a worthwhile post... but you can be the judge of that. Because I'm such a good student (or rather have a lot to learn), I've shared my top 10 lessons to date - broken down into 2 posts. The 1st 5 lessons were covered in part 1 (my previous post), with the remaining 5 covered here below...

• 6. God Cares - Our 3rd child, Izabella-Joy, is adopted. She's almost 3, and about as much work as both the boys put together. This of course (as I have come to discover) is a girl thing. She knows exactly what she wants, when she wants, where she wants, and how she wants it (with cheese). I'm trying to take this in my stride, but to be honest, the only thing that gets me through some days, is the fact that I'm going to get a whole lot of lobola for her (this of course is a hidden benefit of adopting a black daughter in South Africa!). 
• Anyway, one of Dannean's biggest concerns about adoption, was how we would know who our child was meant to be. After all, it's not like going shopping at PnP! My concern on the other hand, was less about choice, and more about the cost. The solutions to our challenges came in what can only be described as God's care packages. In the run up to us adopting, Dannean had placed little pairs of shoes all around the house, as a reminder for the boys that she was 'heart pregnant' (not tummy pregnant) with their baby sister (we had decided on a girl by then). 
• After a couple bumps in the road regarding finding the right adoption facilitator / process, we eventually came across Susan. At our 1st meeting she informed us that there was a little girl we might be interested in... with a slight proviso - she was born with clubbed feet. "Did someone say feet?! Because we've got a whole lot of little girls shoes decorated all over our house!" (and so it was that our daughter found us). Regarding the cost, well that's another story. Suffice to say, a Kruger Rand that Dannean was given by my gran 10 years prior, and which (up until that point) had somehow (miraculously!) been entirely forgotten about, was what got us through in the end. Go figure. Lesson 6: We adopt, God places, God pays.

Izabella-Joy in looks and personality... Front and centre!

• 7. Church is optional - At the end of 2017, I presented my (then) church elders, with a vision document describing and motivating for a church with different priorities, practices and principals (http://www.called2conquer.org/). By then the writing was already on the wall (or perhaps I should say on my heart), and not long after we left our church family (and many special friends) to explore a different expression of the faith. In this instance, in search of one built and centered more intentionally on the cornerstones of biblical discipleship and community. One year later, and not much has changed since then... We're still not in any formal church structures, and we continue to pursue the implementation of the same vision - even if it's only a handful of us doing so. But the lesson here has been an interesting one...
• Over the past year, our faith and love of God has not diminished at all. In fact and on the contrary, not participating in the numerous church gatherings and services we previously did, has forced us (me in particular), to take a healthy measure of responsibility for Dannean's and the kids' spiritual well being. This has forced me to be more creative and intentional in my role as 'priest' (lead discipler) in our home, as well as provoking me to become even more disciplined and proactive in my discipleship journey with other brothers and spiritual mentors. At the same time, it's been quite liberating to know that our lives would not fall apart without the 'covering' of a local church, and that God is big and good enough to make provision for the exceptions - especially where the desire is to see a more fruitful and faithful version of His Kingdom come! Lesson 7: Loving the triune God - essential, church membership - optional.

• 8. God replaces - God gives, and He takes away (Luke 19:24), but my experience has taught me to phrase this truth a little differently. That is to say, God is good, and he's in the business of giving out good gifts (James 1:17). However, sometimes to enjoy a new gift, we have to give up/away an old gift first. This is something I have experienced a great deal of over the past 3 years - although at times I honestly wondered if God and I were even in the same universe (never mind on the same page!). The answer to this question, has almost always been the same... And it's got a familiar ring to it - given that I use the same phrase on almost a daily basis to my sons... That is, have a little patience pal!! 
• To prove my point, here are a couple of examples (obviously with the benefit of hindsight!)...
1. My job with my previous employer (abruptly) ends, but is replaced the same day with a better job in my friend's company...
2. We leave our church in the north due to conflicting theologies about the poor, and our replacement church (in the south) asks me to head up the ministry to the poor...
3. My Jetta TDI's engine breaks, and is replaced a week later with a double cab my father bought me (without even knowing about my broken car)...
4. Our previous landlord evicts us from his property, only to be replaced with a lease at the amazing community farm next door - the very same month we had to move out...
5. We eventually sell our Sandton flat because we simply can't find a tenant, only to use the money to totally revolutionize the way we now manage our finances, while at the same time having the resources to invest in a series of special projects and people close to God's heart... 
• Anyway, you get the point... one minute we're left wondering, Huh? The next day / week / couple months... it's all 20/20 vision. Like I said... replacement theology! Lesson 8: God takes away, God replaces, God is good, God knows best.

My double cab that carried 11 of us to Angus' prayer meeting last week (thanks dad!)

ps. it woudn't have been quite the same in my Jetta ;)

• 9. Entrepreneurs#%t - Excuse my table manners, but anyone who has bought a ticket for the roller-coaster ride that is becoming an entrepreneur, will understand where the s#%t is coming from! At last count, that is since moving out the city, I have started up 5 different businesses - motorized bicycles, vegetable farming, online business mentorship, online picnics, and most recently (at least in theory) hand stitched leather production. I've included the associated costs / inputs of these industrious exploits of mine here below; 
1. Motorized bicycles - R50k / 200 hours 
2. Vege farming - R10k / 300 hours 
3. Online mentorship - R30k / 300 hours
4. Online picnics - R40k / 500 hours
5. Hand stitched leather - R0k / 16 hours
• In summary... Total (input) costs = R130k + 1316 hours. And total outputs... Wait for it... Well, as my old friend Dion Wessels would say, they closed down at the opening sale! But please take note, that at least by business number 5, I've learned to close the business BEFORE spending any money! Anyway, my point and lesson in all of this... Starting businesses ain't for sissies (or dummies - like me perhaps), but there's really only one way to get better at it (as 1st famously quoted by John Maxwell) - 'learn to fail forward'. 
• So why am I hammering on about starting a business anyway? Well as we already know, so much of our country's challenges and legacy issues, hinge on unemployment (in all its shapes and forms). But there's more to it, because this plays out very badly in the majority of South African households. Not to say that having a job is the silver bullet to all our social issues, but I would say, having a job AND being able to live at home, probably is. The 2 graphs included below (as extracted from The State of SA Fathers report) have reference, and underlie one of the gravest ills facing our society today - that of absent fathers.

• This therefore remains my one main motivation to startup business no. 6... That is to create a job and be a business mentor. However, it's going to take a whole lot of us already engaged in the economy, to turn the rudder on the titanic that is our current state of families without dads. Just think, that's 2 out of 3 kids (and their moms) in SA, that know little to nothing of the provision, protection and presence of a father (or husband) in their lives...
• By God's grace we haven't hit the iceberg yet, but if the ongoing unemployment and migrant labour rates are not divided by at least 2 (ideally by 4) in the next 5-10 years, this Titanic is going down. Lesson 9: Start a business, fail forward, create a job, send a father / husband home.

• 10. Mentorship Majors - Ever since I stumbled upon mentorship some 15 years ago - as a volunteer with the AEC (providing township kids with bursaries and mentors) - I've fallen more and more in love with the concept, practice and proof, that mentorship changes lives. As a totally under-exposed and over-privileged product of the very new South Africa, I moved up to Joburg in 2003. I had never set foot in a township, let alone played mentor to a 14 year old kid from Alexandra Township. In hindsight however, this dramatic immersion, into an unknown world, would become one of the foundation stones of the life I know and live today.
• And so even as I write this, I am immensely grateful to God, and some very special men, to be involved in an organization called The Character Company (TCC) - which has as its focus the raising of boys (with absent or no dads at all), to be good men - (https://www.thecharactercompany.co.za/). Currently, I find myself involved at multiple levels in a boys home / shelter located in Berea, JHB city, which we have partnered with, in providing (those boys who want to be mentored) mentors. The lessons in this regard, have come thick and fast, but here's my no. 1 takeaway...
• Ironically (but very biblically) it's been in embracing these 'costly' exercises or activities, of sacrificing some of myself for someone else, that I have received a different perspective on (South African) life. A perspective which has actually protected me from a hardened heart (in an often divided, stigmatized and ignorant society). Actually, in some ways serving those in genuine need works a lot like being inoculated as a child... That is, if we remain unexposed to the 'sicknesses' around us (think poverty, abuse, racism, inequality, etc), we never actually allow ourselves to become 'infected'... And thus immune. 
• In the same way, how can we ever hope to become united as a nation, without sharing and investing in one another's lives? Choosing a life of service has totally altered my perspective and appreciation for how much I have to learn, and how much I have to give. And herein I am convinced, is so much of what it actually mean to be proudly South African, and advancing God's kingdom. Lesson 10: Serving one another is our inoculation against our 'sick' country.

https://www.thecharactercompany.co.za/

On camp with youngsters form the boys home we've been able to support

So there we have it... 3 years down in our Walkerville adventure...10 more lessons in the bag. Please forgive me for any overshare or opinion projection - but I guess I'd rather have my heart in my mouth, than my foot (even though it's probably both) ;)

In Summary:

Part 1 - 

• Lesson 1: God loves faith, honors His Word, and always provides. 
• Lesson 2: You don't find time, you make it, you don't lose time, you waste it. 
• Lesson 3: God loves courage, protects His kids, and commands His angels. 
• Lesson 4: Budget, with faith, give loads, buy cash. 
• Lesson 5: Write it down, dare to walk it, maybe someone follows (or maybe not)

Part 2 - 

• Lesson 6: We adopt, God places, God pays. 
• Lesson 7: Loving the triune God - essential, church membership - optional.
• Lesson 8: God takes away, God replaces, God is good, God knows best.
• Lesson 9: Start a business, fail forward, create a job, send a father / husband home.
• Lesson 10: Serving one another is our inoculation against our 'sick' country.

I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living!
Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord! 
- Psalm 27:13-14

3 years into our Walkerville Adventure... And here's what I know (part 1)

With 3 and a half years under the belt since we emigrated moved to a farm 30km south of JHB, I thought a review of some of my biggest lessons to date, might make for a worthwhile post... but you can be the judge of that. Because I'm such a good student (or rather have a lot to learn), I've shared my top 10 lessons to date - broken down into 2 posts (with 5 lessons per post). Here are the 1st 5...

• 1. God provides - this one comes to mind 1st, probably because if it weren't the case, I wouldn't have very much to write about. Blogging also doesn't feature very prominently on maslow's hierarchy of needs, and so clearly we still have a roof over our heads, and food in the refrigerator. I guess it's easy to take something for granted when you play by the rules. The fact that my idea of generating income outside the city, was to sell motorized bicycles and grow vegetables, is testimony to the fact of God's providence - given that neither of these brainwaves earned a single cent! In this case, my good intentions really had to be enough for God to work with, because there wasn't much else in the offering basket! 
• In practice, I have been blessed with two 18 month contracts which I have been able to fulfill as a business mentor and glorified off site administrator, on my terms, and in my hours. In truth, the most perfect work solution that I could never have orchestrated. Let me add, that having a contract, has not always meant having money in the bank, and so the number of times God's providence (through a combination of friends, strangers, SARS, and other unlikely sources) has carried us through (in the most unexpected ways), is simply actually the fulfillment of God's promise, to provide for his kids... Matthew 6:33 - "But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things (that you need to live) will be added to you." 

Lesson 1: God loves faith, honors His Word, and always provides.

• 2. Time is key - shortly after arriving in the south, God reminded me of one of the reasons we had initially decided to move... Time. That is, my desire to own it (rather than sell it), and to invest it (rather than squander it). This ultimately translated into a step of faith by electing to take a Friday 'Sabbath'. i.e. no work, no pay, plenty rest, plenty pray. (That rhymed nicely didn't it). But the truth is, what this redirected investment of 1 full day a week has brought into my life, over the past 3 years, is difficult to exaggerate. Quite simply, it has been life transforming, mostly because I've been able to allocate the time required to use and explore many of the talents, gifts and resources God has entrusted to me. There's a lot more I can say, and have said, about taking a Sabbath here:http://walkervilleadventure.blogspot.com/2016/10/its-about-time.html?m=1 - Suffice to say, it can only ever be done in faith, and is intended to supernaturally refresh / rejuvenate our spirit man. 
• My parting thought on time, is that it's the great tester. That is - as is the case with money - what we spend our time on, is a much more accurate measure of what we desire and believe, than what we might think or say. It truly is a tragic day for anyone, most especially a believer, when we have run out of things to do with our time. For the needs of people have never loomed larger, and the love, creativity and resources of Christ to meet these needs, have never been more abundant. 

Lesson 2: You don't find time, you make it, you don't lose time, you waste it.

• 3. God Protects - moving out the city definitely caught us off guard. Not that it was unexpected but wide open spaces, with lots of dark places, is the stuff an over active imagination feasts on - especially when mixed up with farm murder headlines, and our no handguns household policy. Sure we've had some stuff stolen, but it was just stuff, and no one has ever entered our house who hasn't been invited. The move outside the city, also enabled us to face a fear so many in South Africa live with on a daily basis - crime. By face it, I mean we were left with no other option, other than to rely on God's protection. Let me explain...
• The farm we initially moved on to had a broken electric fence, with our homestead having no alarm, no dogs, and no weapons. To be honest, I don't think we slept for the 1st 3 nights at all. It took me 6 weeks to build up the courage to sleep on my (preferred) left hand side, knowing my right (exposed) ear doesn't work as well as my left ear. But it was during this scary period, that we were left with no choice but to trust God for our protection. Does that mean we're immune to violent crime? No, I don't think we're immune to anything that God can use for our good and his glory (Romans 8:28), but I do know He hears our prayers and orders his angels to take care of His kids. Three years later, we now have dogs, alarms and an armed guard on the farm, but that's just precautionary, because God has already shown us where our help comes from (Psalm 121). 

Lesson 3: God loves courage, protects His kids, and commands His angels.

• 4. Master Money - When I think of Jesus ministry there are a couple things that specifically stand out for me. One of them was his attitude toward money, and His teaching about money. In fact, I recently wrote another blog post on this topic in a bit more detail here - http://www.called2conquer.org/c2cblog/wealthy-to-be-or-not-to-be - however if you'd prefer the executive summary, please read on... The bottom line? Master money, because if you don't, it'll master you (and it's a very cruel master).
• Dannean and I are blessed, because as much as we come from 2 families who are at polar opposites (in almost every respect) on the money spectrum, we have been able to unite in our approach to taming the money beast. In this regard, there are 3 cornerstones to our money philosophy, which have been tried and tested these past 3 years. They have not failed us yet (not even close!).
1. Maintaining a meticulous and faith-filled budget - meaning every single cent is accounted for, and faith is clearly evident in how we spend / allocate it.
2. Sow with our heart, reap with our head - simply meaning to try and give away what we don't need, to those who do. Granted there's a little more to it, but I'll write a separate post about this shortly.
3. No debt - this may sound impossible, but it's not. Who said you can't rent, or buy a 2nd hand car? And if you can't afford it, accept that God doesn't want you to have it (and if you can, be sure that your neighbour doesn't need it more than you do...)
• Currently, we rent and have no plan to buy. This means that we are not limited in anyway by bond / bank related financial responsibilities (and you might be surprised to learn that renting can also be a more profitable option than buying - http://www.stealthywealth.co.za/2016/10/is-it-better-to-buy-or-rent-and-why-we.html). My current car was a gift from my father (so that doesn't really count), but we have no accounts in credit, although we keep a credit card for cash flow purposes. Holidays are 'cheap' because they're almost always at our friends' or parent's place, and we still camp, which remains arguably the best value for money in learning how not to kill to love your kids and still enjoy our amazing country.
• In conclusion, money has the power to define our lives - that's why Jesus spoke about it so much. It is strong and deceitful enough to easily muscle you or me right out of God's Kingdom if we're not really careful. Managing a budget, giving it away, and avoiding the banks golden handcuffs, are key weapons in slaying the beast.

Lesson 4: Budget, with faith, give loads, pay cash.

• 5. God leads - I always thought it was me who was supposed to lead. Not that God had to follow (although I'm sure I'd have no problem with that), but rather that I needed to have a plan, and that plan needed a man, and no guessing who's the man. For example, I have drafted 2 relatively comprehensive vision documents over the past 3 years, and distributed them quite liberally, hoping and expecting my 'followers' to emerge...  Well, this hasn't exactly been the case. In fact, my only real 'followers' currently are my wife and kids (and that's because they have to be!). Not to say that there's no merit in what I've envisioned, but rather a very good lesson... And that is...
• It's one thing to theorize, contemplate or debate a subject, but it's another thing entirely to actually put what you believe into practice - that is to walk our talk. In other words, if I really believe what I'm spouting, then what am I actually doing about it? I've come to learn that God leads in practice, not in the classroom, He leads on His terms, an not on mine, and He loves to know how much of my talk I'm actually willing to walk? Which brings me to my current walk, and...
• Called 2 Conquer (C2C) is a vision for a different type of church, but in keeping with the New Testament definition of Church, this presupposes a vision for a different type of Christian... Anyway, you can read all about it in the link below, but suffice to say, I've had to move beyond the theory of a different kind of Christian, to actually sweating / becoming it myself... In reality, it's mostly about getting back to basics, and trusting God at His Word - which is really the story this blog is supposed to tell. A story of finding freedom and significance beyond the status quo, that is walking with God by living lives of faith, rooted and grounded in the love of the Father, and the promises of His beautiful Son.

Lesson 5: Write it down, dare to walk it, maybe someone follows (or maybe not)

http://www.called2conquer.org/

Part 2 follows here>>>

Rescued!! (From the Life I Thought I Wanted)

There is a book that caught my eye recently entitled: Falling Free: Rescued from the life I always wanted. This title totally captured me and got me thinking a lot about my own life. I haven't read the book yet, but I have a good idea of what it is about and I do intend to read it soon. In the mean time I have been stepping back and thinking about the life I thought I wanted; the life I pictured many years ago versus the life I find myself staring at, just three months away from my 40th birthday!

And this is what it feels like...

Picture 1

Honestly, the picture above sums up everything I could possibly say about my life in one shot. I could literally end this post here and sign off! (But I won't). Sean sent me the picture a little while ago. He clearly knows me and my emotions extremely well because I laughed (and laughed and laughed) out loud.  I identify, in every way, with the little kid in this photo; permanently holding on (white knuckles and all) as the roller coaster that is my life twists and turns and often turns me upside down. 

So if this above is my life, then what is the life I thought I wanted and how have I been rescued?

It was only around the age of 23 or so that marriage crossed my mind. If I'd had my way, I would have married any of the following men: 

1.  an arty, creative type

2.  an English doctor 7 years older than me (we were very nearly engaged) 

3.  a Scott's man from the Sheland Islands (just for his accent!)

4.  a muso (I was always a groupie)  and 

5.  a wealthy businessman

Let me just say that all of these men would have been wonderful; I was simply not the right one for them. What they all have in common though is this: they loved God, were normal, down to earth, stable, financially secure and similar enough to me in personality. Fast forward to me marrying Sean. Sean, my delightful yet totally unexpected life partner; an upstream swimmer, entrepreneur by heart, total extrovert, hyperactive, minimal sleep needing, fearless, change-loving, God-loving (but not church going) HUSBAND. Oh my word, could two people be so different??

Now (I ask myself) how about the house in the North of Johannesburg, the 2.4 children and white picket fence?  Well, there was a point in time when I was single and was never planning to leave Sheffield in the UK (I was applying for work permits). I left because I felt a strong sense that God was calling me home (and I cried for three solid months!). At the time I came back to South Africa I strongly felt that I was being called to be a missionary into Africa then later I thought I wanted to work full time in church. I ended up teaching, lecturing and (as Ang likes to tell people) perhaps now I am a modern day missionary in my own back yard...  

How about the stable monthly income (once married) and happy life of a stay at home mum? I knew I wanted 3 children and I knew I wanted to adopt. I definitely wanted to be a stay-home-mum, with my 3 little darlings trotting off to school every day. BUT more than anything I always wanted and expected total financial security (with a bit of home life certainty and stability thrown into the mix)! 

So, to summarise, if all my prayers had been answered I would have been married to man 1-5 above (PS by the age of 25 and not nearly 29 as happened), living in Sheffield (or as a missionary in some country in Africa). I could have been living in Joburg and working full time in church. I could also possibly be a stay-home-mum (maybe I would have volunteered my time at church). I would have 3 kids (yay - one thing I thought!). My hubby would  be working 9 - 5 and bringing in uber amounts of cash. Life would be secure, certain and stable!

Is this how my life turned out?? Was God's plan for my life the same as the life I thought I wanted? (Please refer to picture 1 above for answer😃)... 

Absolutely, utterly, totally, blatantly, unwavering-ly NOT!! 

And boy oh boy am I so grateful for this! I am so thankful that God did not answer all my prayers the way I hoped He would. I am so thankful that Sean is the man I married. I am truly thankful that God indeed rescued me from the life I thought I wanted!

All the things I have spoken about above formed the image I had of the life I thought I wanted; they are the things I was rescued from. But what have I been taken to?

I have been rescued from that life of security, certainty and stability and taken to a life where nothing is sure or set or 'safe'. Despite being someone whose caution levels are 99/100, I think I would have been pretty bored and under stimulated had I been living the 'normal' life I pictured. I am no less cautious as a person now and most of the time I do things scared (see face of ME in picture above). But I enjoy being free! Currently Sean and I have nothing holding us down; we no longer own a flat, we rent our property, our kids are not at school and Sean is not office bound. For some this may sound crazy and daunting but for me (believe it or not) I find it exciting! I find myself feeling full of anticipation for what may come.  We can do anything and go anywhere. We have stuck our hands up and said: Lord use us! We are free for him to and hope he will.  

(Aside: we have no plans to go anywhere right now so there is nothing I am holding back on...)

I do not live in a house with a white picket fence. Rather I live in a house on a beautiful community farm, with some people we love nearby and a lot of space for kids to play. I would never have imagined this and we would not be here if I hadn't taken the prompting and said "Yes!" to uncertainty, less security and another way of life. I personally think we live in the nicest place in Joburg (come and visit us if you haven't already). I am not a missionary in another African country nor do I work full time (or volunteer) for a church. In fact, we are currently not attending a specific church as we have kindly been released to explore a different expression of our faith. Okay, let me rephrase: Sean has felt called to explore a different expression of faith, church and discipleship and as he leads, (and I agree) I follow. We are still blessed to have many of our previous church friends still loving us and supporting us as we explore what this expression of faith means on a practical level. 

Cuddles in bed in pjs cos we don't have
to get up early for school!

One thing I did think I wanted was to be a stay-home-mum of three! And that, I am! But my three kids do not toddle off to school everyday. Rather, I have been 'taken' to being that of a homeschool mom. It is unbelievably challenging and yet unbelievably rewarding. Challenging because I am home with my children ALL DAY LONG and rewarding because I get to watch my three darlings grow, we get to do life together and oh boy do I love seeing Tristan learn to read and write! (Currently Connor is on a school sabbatical of his own choice. He is slowly coming back to doing one activity a day with me. Izzy is on a 'manage on a day to day' basis as she is too young to just get on with doing her own thing).

I have been rescued from a life of financial security, a life with a husband who works a 9 to 5 and who brings home the 'bacon', predictably, month in and month out. (I take a little breath here before I continue writing... this is a hard one for me on so many levels but there is always a but, or a YET...). YET, what I and we as a family have gained is so much more than I could ever have thought I wanted! I have a husband who I connect with; have breakfast, lunch and dinner with, drink coffee in bed with, talk and pray with. I have a husband who takes our three children almost every morning until 7am (!) so I can rest and who then brings me coffee in bed. I have a husband who plays with our three children (and many of the other children on the farm) from 5pm so that I can have space (And when I say 'plays' I mean soccer, cricket and a whole lot of action games that he has made up). I have a family who has dinner together almost every night, children who get read to by their dad almost every night and prayed with and over at 6.30am each morning. My children have a father who schools them for 1 hour each Thursday so I can prep, who takes Tristan to Cubs every Friday (and holds his hand for a while because he is still shy and hasn't made a friend). My boys have a dad they can look up to and find their identity in and with and my daughter has a dad who is present and gives her the security she needs. This, and so much more! And all because he has TIME! (And I have time, and we as a family have time). I may have thought that I wanted money, and a lot of it, but now it is clear that what I truly value is TIME; and I am so grateful that we have it.

To end off I just want to clarify a few things... This post is very personal and specific to me and to who I am. I am in no way judging anyone else's life by what I say that I have been rescued from and by what I have been taken to. We are all called to be true to what has been asked of us. Added to this, I know that our family is far from perfect; I can be a firey and impatient mom, Sean and I don't always see eye to eye (and can be quite verbal about it😂) and our kids have been known to exasperate us to the point of insanity. Some may think we are brave and others, I am sure, think we are just plain stupid. Either way, both Sean and I feel fully that we are doing what we are called to do right now. This may change, this may look different some day, but for now THIS IS US.

 

Of Vision, Guts & Grace...

I know the title of this post is quite a mouthful... In fact, many books have been written on each of these words separately, never mind on all 3 at the same time. I'll do my best to keep it short(ish), but I'm afraid no promises can be made on it being light hearted. In fact, much of this post cuts to the heart of a number of matters generally and purposefully avoided by many of us. There are of course many reasons for this, yet sadly there can be no resolution or change through avoidance. With that said, let's dive in...

What if I told you that I have a bullet proof solution or formula for a life to be lived without regret, disillusionment, meaninglessness, rejection, burnout, fear, lack, insecurity, mistrust or defeat (list 1). Said another way, what would you pay for the key to a life filled with purpose, passion, intimacy, celebration, rest, courage, security, commitment and victory (list 2)? Guaranteed. Got your attention? Good...

So, how much would that be worth? All you have? Your 13th cheque? What's your price, or said another way, let's consider the cost. Here's list 1 again, this time including some loose definitions:

List 1:

1. Regret? The emotional expenditure of wishing that things could have worked out differently...
2. Disillusionment? The inability to comprehend or accept why someone did what they did, or something happened like it did...
3. Meaninglessness? The deep and depressing state of realizing that nothing really matters, or that life has little or no purpose...
4. Rejection? The sick to your stomach feeling of being unloved, unvaluable and unimportant to those you deem important...
5. Burnout? The inability to manage the demands in your life and being spent to your very bones in trying to do so...
6. Fear? The paralysing sensation that you are powerless to defend yourself against whatever it is that threatens you...
7. Insecurity? The inability to have your needs met in some shape or form that is really important to you...
8. Mistrust? The inability to truly rely on anyone other than yourself, and hence the need to remain guarded and often cynical...
9. Defeat? The state of being rendered powerless to overcome that thing in your life that beats you down, and down, and down again...

And what about the opposite? What would you say ownership of list 2 is worth?

List 2:

1. Purpose? That feeling that your life matters and you have a vital role to play in the overall well-being of those around you...
2. Passion? The deep energy that wells up within you when considering a person, place or situation of some sorts...
3. Intimacy? The deep need and ability to know and be fully known, emotionally, sexually, spiritually...
4. Celebration? The great joy associated with freely celebrating those achievements and undertakings dearest to us...
5. Rest? The ability to enter into that state of being at complete peace with yourself, others and God...
6. Courage? Facing your greatest fears, staring them down, and then redefining their entire influence in your life...
7. Security? To be able to provide for and protect ourselves, and those that matter the most to us...
8. Commitment? For you and those you trust to be found faithful and true to pledged allegiances and promises...
9. Victory? To be able to stand and share the glory with those you have chosen to fight with and for...

Before you settle on a price for all of this, let's get a little real 1st... What does your list look like currently? I mean, to use accounting terminology, are you in the red (list 1 > list 2) or in the black (list 2 > list 1)? Personally, and upon some reflection over the past 10 years (because we all know life only really starts after 30), there are 3 practices I would like to draw our attention to in relation to these 2 lists. But just before I do so, I want to briefly touch on their origins, because as with many things, origination is a vital component of understanding. 

We've all heard of Love, Faith & Hope right... The 3 foundational Christian virtues? So what about them? Well, quite simply, these are the essential and eternal virtues given to human kind by God himself. They are the foundations for all that is good and valuable, they have no inherent value based on our understanding or opinion thereof, but rather in the fact that they are the very DNA or life code for all the universe, and flow from the very throne of God. My point and perspective in saying all of this is simply...

1. There can be no sustainable, effective or holistic achievement of list 2, without 1st recognising that without God, and his common gifts and kindness to humanity in these 3 virtues, there is simply no basis for list 2 whatsoever.
2. I hope to show below, that there exists a direct link between these 3 heavenly and eternal virtues, and the application of the 3 practices I would consider to be critical in the formation of list 2 in our lives.

The 3 practices I am of course referring to, are those in the title of this post: Vision, Guts and Grace. For application purposes, I have examined each of these keystone practices strictly from my point of understanding and experience, together with their associated impact on the desired formation and development of list 2 in my life.

1. If Hope is divine, then Vision must be one of its best earthly practices...

Much has been said about Vision throughout the ages, from the bible that says without it people will simply perish (Proverbs 29:18), to more contemporary accounts of liberation movements inspired by men and women who have stated the almost immortal words 'I have a vision [dream]...'. For clarity of definition sake, and in borrowing from too many sources to mention, we well know the saying 'You don't need eyes to see, you need vision'. Because vision can only actually be seen from the future... and where there is no Hope for a better future, there can be no vision.

In my experience, Vision has been birthed from a place of personal dissatisfaction with the status quo, which underlines the belief in a better tomorrow, but also questions ones willingness to play a part in bringing about the change required. I have drafted 2 vision documents for our life in the past 5 years, each rooted in a personal conviction and desire to live a life that matters both while we are here, and when we pass on. Each of the documents took months to prepare. In the same way that a business plan needs to consider all the key elements of a business, so a personal vision document must consider all those elements key to life. 

Why would we think or behave any differently in our aspirations for living a life of purpose and meaning, than we do in our aspirations for becoming better educated or acquiring wealth? In the end, is it not the absence of a Vision for the implementation of my education or wealth, that leaves me lacking in my purpose or courage?

What am I trying to say? 

Do you long for Purpose, Courage and Victory in your life? If so, find a Vision rooted in your current dissatisfaction with the status quo, and a Hope that the future will be better tomorrow than today, and that you have an indispensable role to play in that outcome.

Some guidelines in formulating such a Vision;

• It's always bigger than you, because it's not about you, and it could never be achieved alone.
• Hence the bible reminds us to share the vision, so that others might run along with us at the appointed time and fashion (Habakkuk 2:2).
• Acts 2:17 also reminds us that it is God who gives vision, and liberally at that, not forgetting that it's only truly birthed and fulfilled in an eternal Hope.

2. If Faith is divine, then Guts must be one of its best earthly practices...

Guts... now that's a word we don't hear spoken much of anymore! Fortunately for me, I got an up close and personal education in guts. My father has more guts than any man I know. He was recently awarded the Christiaan Barnard Memorial Award which pays tribute to 1 South African doctor each year who has (within their hospital network) demonstrated leadership in their specific field, while contributing to the advancement of the medical profession. That's the 'post op' rendition. I'll tell you what it looks like 'in the theatre'... 

It means caring for dying people all the time, and when they're dead, caring for their families too. It means still treating someone when they can't afford that treatment, or when the medical aid cover is hopelessly insufficient or simply not forthcoming. It means climbing out of bed at 1, 3 or / and 5am if you're on call for a career spanning 40 years. In my dad's case, it also meant climbing out of bed at 1, 3 or / and 5am if no one else was prepared to do so. It meant having to advise on life and death decisions daily, and then come home and advise on the running on a household, with 3 (crazy) kids and a lonely wife. My parents celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary this year, to say nothing of the guts that takes, or anything of the role my mom played in all of this (at enormous personal and mostly unrecognized cost). 

My dad's example reminds me that my expressed faith in God, is made real in my faithfulness in that to which he has called me, and if that which I am called to is to glorify God, then it will almost certainly require a whole lot of Guts.

What am I trying to say?

Do you long for such Passion, Commitment & Celebration in your life? If so, find the Guts rooted in the Faith that what you do matters more than you can ever imagine, in particular if it's done for the sole good and benefit of another (because God designed it that way).

Some guidelines on finding Guts;

• It's linked to something you're passionate about
• It will always require more commitment than you could imagine
• But in the end, when you stop to celebrate the outcome, it will be worth it 

Hence the bible reminds us not to grow weary in doing good, for in the the due season we will reap, if we do not give up (Galatians 6:9)

3. If Love is divine, then Grace must be one of its best earthly practices...

To be honest, I only 'got' grace about 10 years ago, so I'm no master on the topic, but then again, perhaps Max Lucado's quote on understanding grace says it best... 'there's an ex con walking the streets of gold (in heaven) who knows more about grace than a thousand theologians' (with reference to the repentant sinner crucified with Christ). In staying within a Christian context, one thing I certainly do know about grace however, and very sadly so, is that it's broadly taught and understood as a singular concept of God's response to my sin. In other words, Jesus died for my sins, which is the manifestation of God's grace to me and the world. This of course is true, but it's not the whole truth.

The remaining portion of this truth, and that which so often is missing, is my response to God's forgiveness (the ultimate Grace). Because therein is the biggest clue as to whether I've correctly understood real grace in the 1st place. In other words, if Jesus death for you amounts to little more than a self serving faith and a 'free ticket to heaven', then I would say that you might have bought a grace ticket, but you've definitely boarded the wrong train! As Dietrich Bonhoeffer (the German pastor, theologian and anti-Nazi dissident) would say; “Costly grace is the treasure hidden in the field; for the sake of it a man will gladly go and sell all he has. It is the pearl of great price to by which the merchant will sell all his goods.” 

You know you've got Grace when you understand in your heart that God gave his dearest possession (his Son) for you, and so for you to offer back your dearest possession (your life), as an act of gratitude and worship, becomes as natural a thing as to enjoy an ice cream on a hot summers day.

What am I trying to say?

Do you long for Intimacy, Rest & Security? If so, find Grace, rooted in your deepest need to be Loved, which goes hand in hand with your deepest need to be forgiven and accepted as you are, for who you are, for the life you've been created to live (a list 2 life).

Some guidelines in finding Grace;

• You can't find it, because it finds you, but you'll know you've got it, when it runs so deep that you also know you'll never lose it. I am refering here to the depths of a born again spirit, the only available channel with which man is able to connect, understand and be refreshed by the Spirit of God. (1 Cor 2:11-12)
• You not only sleep, you rest... you have peace which surpasses understanding (Philippians 4:7) and makes you lie down in green pastures and leads you beside still waters (Psalm 23).
• And finally, you've stopped worrying, because when Jesus became your brother (Romans 8:29) you stepped into the inheritance of your Father in heaven, who provides for your every need (Matthew 6:33) and protects you from your enemies (Psalm 139:5).

So there you have it... The heavenly and eternal virtues of Love, Faith & Hope... Given to inspire and guide the earthly and priceless practices of Vision, Guts and Grace... That we in turn might live in the fullness of a life defined by and filled with:

• Purpose
• Passion
• Intimacy
• Celebration
• Rest
• Courage
• Security
• Commitment
• and Victory 

In closing I want to assure you, that I have not written this as a 'pep' talk for those of us needing a little end of year motivation and encouragement. I have written this as a roadmap for fundamentally shifting your perspective and experience of this life in line with the life God had in mind for you when He created you. And that makes all the difference!

I call heaven and earth to witness before you today, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Therefore choose life (list 2!), that you and your offspring may live (forever).

 - Deuteronomy 30:19

PS. Some recommended holiday reading for those interested in understanding more on the above 3 practices:

• Vision 
• Man in the Mirror - by Pat Morley (for men) 
• Captivated - by Stasi Eldredge (for woman) 
• Guts 
• Any autobiography of any person in history used by God 
• Grace 
• Any books or teachings on cheap grace