Of Vision, Guts & Grace...

I know the title of this post is quite a mouthful... In fact, many books have been written on each of these words separately, never mind on all 3 at the same time. I'll do my best to keep it short(ish), but I'm afraid no promises can be made on it being light hearted. In fact, much of this post cuts to the heart of a number of matters generally and purposefully avoided by many of us. There are of course many reasons for this, yet sadly there can be no resolution or change through avoidance. With that said, let's dive in...

What if I told you that I have a bullet proof solution or formula for a life to be lived without regret, disillusionment, meaninglessness, rejection, burnout, fear, lack, insecurity, mistrust or defeat (list 1). Said another way, what would you pay for the key to a life filled with purpose, passion, intimacy, celebration, rest, courage, security, commitment and victory (list 2)? Guaranteed. Got your attention? Good...

So, how much would that be worth? All you have? Your 13th cheque? What's your price, or said another way, let's consider the cost. Here's list 1 again, this time including some loose definitions:

List 1:

1. Regret? The emotional expenditure of wishing that things could have worked out differently...
2. Disillusionment? The inability to comprehend or accept why someone did what they did, or something happened like it did...
3. Meaninglessness? The deep and depressing state of realizing that nothing really matters, or that life has little or no purpose...
4. Rejection? The sick to your stomach feeling of being unloved, unvaluable and unimportant to those you deem important...
5. Burnout? The inability to manage the demands in your life and being spent to your very bones in trying to do so...
6. Fear? The paralysing sensation that you are powerless to defend yourself against whatever it is that threatens you...
7. Insecurity? The inability to have your needs met in some shape or form that is really important to you...
8. Mistrust? The inability to truly rely on anyone other than yourself, and hence the need to remain guarded and often cynical...
9. Defeat? The state of being rendered powerless to overcome that thing in your life that beats you down, and down, and down again...

And what about the opposite? What would you say ownership of list 2 is worth?

List 2:

1. Purpose? That feeling that your life matters and you have a vital role to play in the overall well-being of those around you...
2. Passion? The deep energy that wells up within you when considering a person, place or situation of some sorts...
3. Intimacy? The deep need and ability to know and be fully known, emotionally, sexually, spiritually...
4. Celebration? The great joy associated with freely celebrating those achievements and undertakings dearest to us...
5. Rest? The ability to enter into that state of being at complete peace with yourself, others and God...
6. Courage? Facing your greatest fears, staring them down, and then redefining their entire influence in your life...
7. Security? To be able to provide for and protect ourselves, and those that matter the most to us...
8. Commitment? For you and those you trust to be found faithful and true to pledged allegiances and promises...
9. Victory? To be able to stand and share the glory with those you have chosen to fight with and for...

Before you settle on a price for all of this, let's get a little real 1st... What does your list look like currently? I mean, to use accounting terminology, are you in the red (list 1 > list 2) or in the black (list 2 > list 1)? Personally, and upon some reflection over the past 10 years (because we all know life only really starts after 30), there are 3 practices I would like to draw our attention to in relation to these 2 lists. But just before I do so, I want to briefly touch on their origins, because as with many things, origination is a vital component of understanding. 

We've all heard of Love, Faith & Hope right... The 3 foundational Christian virtues? So what about them? Well, quite simply, these are the essential and eternal virtues given to human kind by God himself. They are the foundations for all that is good and valuable, they have no inherent value based on our understanding or opinion thereof, but rather in the fact that they are the very DNA or life code for all the universe, and flow from the very throne of God. My point and perspective in saying all of this is simply...

1. There can be no sustainable, effective or holistic achievement of list 2, without 1st recognising that without God, and his common gifts and kindness to humanity in these 3 virtues, there is simply no basis for list 2 whatsoever.
2. I hope to show below, that there exists a direct link between these 3 heavenly and eternal virtues, and the application of the 3 practices I would consider to be critical in the formation of list 2 in our lives.

The 3 practices I am of course referring to, are those in the title of this post: Vision, Guts and Grace. For application purposes, I have examined each of these keystone practices strictly from my point of understanding and experience, together with their associated impact on the desired formation and development of list 2 in my life.

1. If Hope is divine, then Vision must be one of its best earthly practices...

Much has been said about Vision throughout the ages, from the bible that says without it people will simply perish (Proverbs 29:18), to more contemporary accounts of liberation movements inspired by men and women who have stated the almost immortal words 'I have a vision [dream]...'. For clarity of definition sake, and in borrowing from too many sources to mention, we well know the saying 'You don't need eyes to see, you need vision'. Because vision can only actually be seen from the future... and where there is no Hope for a better future, there can be no vision.

In my experience, Vision has been birthed from a place of personal dissatisfaction with the status quo, which underlines the belief in a better tomorrow, but also questions ones willingness to play a part in bringing about the change required. I have drafted 2 vision documents for our life in the past 5 years, each rooted in a personal conviction and desire to live a life that matters both while we are here, and when we pass on. Each of the documents took months to prepare. In the same way that a business plan needs to consider all the key elements of a business, so a personal vision document must consider all those elements key to life. 

Why would we think or behave any differently in our aspirations for living a life of purpose and meaning, than we do in our aspirations for becoming better educated or acquiring wealth? In the end, is it not the absence of a Vision for the implementation of my education or wealth, that leaves me lacking in my purpose or courage?

What am I trying to say? 

Do you long for Purpose, Courage and Victory in your life? If so, find a Vision rooted in your current dissatisfaction with the status quo, and a Hope that the future will be better tomorrow than today, and that you have an indispensable role to play in that outcome.

Some guidelines in formulating such a Vision;

• It's always bigger than you, because it's not about you, and it could never be achieved alone.
• Hence the bible reminds us to share the vision, so that others might run along with us at the appointed time and fashion (Habakkuk 2:2).
• Acts 2:17 also reminds us that it is God who gives vision, and liberally at that, not forgetting that it's only truly birthed and fulfilled in an eternal Hope.

2. If Faith is divine, then Guts must be one of its best earthly practices...

Guts... now that's a word we don't hear spoken much of anymore! Fortunately for me, I got an up close and personal education in guts. My father has more guts than any man I know. He was recently awarded the Christiaan Barnard Memorial Award which pays tribute to 1 South African doctor each year who has (within their hospital network) demonstrated leadership in their specific field, while contributing to the advancement of the medical profession. That's the 'post op' rendition. I'll tell you what it looks like 'in the theatre'... 

It means caring for dying people all the time, and when they're dead, caring for their families too. It means still treating someone when they can't afford that treatment, or when the medical aid cover is hopelessly insufficient or simply not forthcoming. It means climbing out of bed at 1, 3 or / and 5am if you're on call for a career spanning 40 years. In my dad's case, it also meant climbing out of bed at 1, 3 or / and 5am if no one else was prepared to do so. It meant having to advise on life and death decisions daily, and then come home and advise on the running on a household, with 3 (crazy) kids and a lonely wife. My parents celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary this year, to say nothing of the guts that takes, or anything of the role my mom played in all of this (at enormous personal and mostly unrecognized cost). 

My dad's example reminds me that my expressed faith in God, is made real in my faithfulness in that to which he has called me, and if that which I am called to is to glorify God, then it will almost certainly require a whole lot of Guts.

What am I trying to say?

Do you long for such Passion, Commitment & Celebration in your life? If so, find the Guts rooted in the Faith that what you do matters more than you can ever imagine, in particular if it's done for the sole good and benefit of another (because God designed it that way).

Some guidelines on finding Guts;

• It's linked to something you're passionate about
• It will always require more commitment than you could imagine
• But in the end, when you stop to celebrate the outcome, it will be worth it 

Hence the bible reminds us not to grow weary in doing good, for in the the due season we will reap, if we do not give up (Galatians 6:9)

3. If Love is divine, then Grace must be one of its best earthly practices...

To be honest, I only 'got' grace about 10 years ago, so I'm no master on the topic, but then again, perhaps Max Lucado's quote on understanding grace says it best... 'there's an ex con walking the streets of gold (in heaven) who knows more about grace than a thousand theologians' (with reference to the repentant sinner crucified with Christ). In staying within a Christian context, one thing I certainly do know about grace however, and very sadly so, is that it's broadly taught and understood as a singular concept of God's response to my sin. In other words, Jesus died for my sins, which is the manifestation of God's grace to me and the world. This of course is true, but it's not the whole truth.

The remaining portion of this truth, and that which so often is missing, is my response to God's forgiveness (the ultimate Grace). Because therein is the biggest clue as to whether I've correctly understood real grace in the 1st place. In other words, if Jesus death for you amounts to little more than a self serving faith and a 'free ticket to heaven', then I would say that you might have bought a grace ticket, but you've definitely boarded the wrong train! As Dietrich Bonhoeffer (the German pastor, theologian and anti-Nazi dissident) would say; “Costly grace is the treasure hidden in the field; for the sake of it a man will gladly go and sell all he has. It is the pearl of great price to by which the merchant will sell all his goods.” 

You know you've got Grace when you understand in your heart that God gave his dearest possession (his Son) for you, and so for you to offer back your dearest possession (your life), as an act of gratitude and worship, becomes as natural a thing as to enjoy an ice cream on a hot summers day.

What am I trying to say?

Do you long for Intimacy, Rest & Security? If so, find Grace, rooted in your deepest need to be Loved, which goes hand in hand with your deepest need to be forgiven and accepted as you are, for who you are, for the life you've been created to live (a list 2 life).

Some guidelines in finding Grace;

• You can't find it, because it finds you, but you'll know you've got it, when it runs so deep that you also know you'll never lose it. I am refering here to the depths of a born again spirit, the only available channel with which man is able to connect, understand and be refreshed by the Spirit of God. (1 Cor 2:11-12)
• You not only sleep, you rest... you have peace which surpasses understanding (Philippians 4:7) and makes you lie down in green pastures and leads you beside still waters (Psalm 23).
• And finally, you've stopped worrying, because when Jesus became your brother (Romans 8:29) you stepped into the inheritance of your Father in heaven, who provides for your every need (Matthew 6:33) and protects you from your enemies (Psalm 139:5).

So there you have it... The heavenly and eternal virtues of Love, Faith & Hope... Given to inspire and guide the earthly and priceless practices of Vision, Guts and Grace... That we in turn might live in the fullness of a life defined by and filled with:

• Purpose
• Passion
• Intimacy
• Celebration
• Rest
• Courage
• Security
• Commitment
• and Victory 

In closing I want to assure you, that I have not written this as a 'pep' talk for those of us needing a little end of year motivation and encouragement. I have written this as a roadmap for fundamentally shifting your perspective and experience of this life in line with the life God had in mind for you when He created you. And that makes all the difference!

I call heaven and earth to witness before you today, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Therefore choose life (list 2!), that you and your offspring may live (forever).

 - Deuteronomy 30:19

PS. Some recommended holiday reading for those interested in understanding more on the above 3 practices:

• Vision 
• Man in the Mirror - by Pat Morley (for men) 
• Captivated - by Stasi Eldredge (for woman) 
• Guts 
• Any autobiography of any person in history used by God 
• Grace 
• Any books or teachings on cheap grace

Community Living... tastes like Berries!

My last blog post was about time, and that was 7 months ago, so it certainly seems 'about time' to put pen to paper again! We continue to live by the grace of God, having finished off 2016 with a holiday to my folks in PE - courtesy of the tax man (SARS)! That in itself was a story of great improbability, given the shambles that was my overdue, inaccurate (let's just say my newly appointed accountant wasn't a bean counter after all), and ultimately audited submission. I can't imagine there have been many occasions in the history of SARS, where a plea for mercy and resubmission (based on the grounds mentioned above), have been met with a payout equal to a month and a halfs salary! 

The beckoning of a new year certainly did bring with it the expectation of good things, but what was not on the radar in any shape or form, was that by April we'd have relocated to the berry farm next door! And so, in the middle of January, fresh back from holiday, we were quite unexpectedly informed by our landlord, that we were no longer welcome on the farm. Not really the new year start we had scripted... But something that we have been well schooled in these past 2 years, is that there's always purpose in apparent disappointment, and there's always a Way where there seems no way... 

And so in the end, we made the call not to renew our lease, but instead to consider the possibility of relocating to the farm next door (The Field aka Berry Farm), primarily as a result of having developed some special friendships with people living there (forged from our small church group meetings on Wednesday nights). In a clear case of providence, a lovely 5 room home became available for occupation on the exact date our lease expired, for the exact amount we were previously paying... Go figure.

And so we all (Tristan in particular!) jumped for joy, having already been hugely blessed by the communal lifestyle (there are about 15 other homesteads on the farm), facilities (trampoline, tennis court, club house, massive swimming pool, berry farm, etc...) and peaceful atmosphere that is our new home... Not to mention the perfect homeschool environment for Dannean and the kids!

On the ministry front, my long standing desires and hopes to startup up both discipleship and mentorship initiatives, has at last become a reality, with my involvement in both Wednesday evening and Friday morning men's discipleship groups, being run in a friendly, purposeful and impactful manner. One of the key resources we're using in this regard, is a book entitled 'Man in the Mirror', which is a brilliant read for any man seeking renewed purpose and understanding of what it means live as a man made in the image of God... (a couple lads, and a wee lass, from the discipleship group here below)

On the mentorship front, i have become involved in a mentorship programme for a home accommodating and supporting abandoned and orphaned teenage boys (based in Berea, Johannesburg). This involvement is through an organization called the Character Company, which is a unique NPO focused an helping boys become good men (God knows we need some more of those in our country!) (check out www.thecharactercompany.co.za - they're awesome). Anyway, a real highlight was recently taking 12 of these young men on a camping trip in the magaliesburg, for a time of values based adventure, laughter, and education.

(cliff jumping was a real highlight for everyone)

From a work perspective, my mentoring of startup and small businesses with The Hope Factory continues, however this seems to be nearing the end of the runway, with my hope that a new business I have been working on for the past 18 months (also in the entrepreneur support space), will come online in June this year. My farming aspirations have also not diminished at all, and while my vege patches were lost in the relocation, the farming potential that exists at our new home, outstrips my previous vege patches 100 to 1! Hopefully some of my recently purchased organic heirloom seeds will see dirt before year end!

In conclusion, and with reference to the book I made previous mention of (Man in the Mirror), I recently undertook a most valuable and overdue exercise. I took the time to consider, meditate and pray through my life's vision statement. Essentially, this consists of a couple sentences that summarise one's purpose for living. The reason I'm sharing this, is that I am constantly reminded in the marathon that is life (in particular the Christian life), that good intentions or lukewarm living will continue to prevail outside of a life lived by conviction. And for convictions to be readily acted upon, they need to be carefully considered, crafted and constantly before us. 

And so, it will continue to remain a mystery how God's word (the Bible) can be living, until we allow it to penetrate and define our lives. How better then, than to craft your life vision statement from it? If anything of what I'm saying resonates with you, do yourself a favour and buy the book 'Man in the Mirror by Pat Morley' - it's a keeper!

Confessions of a homeschool[ed] mom

I call this post 'Confessions of a home school[ed] mom' because, truth be told, in the past two years I have learnt more in this area of homeschooling than I could have ever imagined. When I started the blog in my head (as I always do - laugh out loud) I imagined I would write mostly about the boys and their experience.  It turns out that the perfectly apt title has lead me to focus on my own learning instead.

The other day I read a blog post that I had written two years ago. It was my first (and until now only) post about homeschooling and I was all of four weeks in. Four weeks. Oh goodness I laughed at myself.  Although I must say that even after four weeks I had a few good things I could share. Now I am officially going into my third year of homeschooling and, although I am certainly no expert, I feel that I have a couple more notches in my belt and hence a bit more that I can share from experience.

[A short aside: 1. I am writing this post with both my husband and I in mind so even though I use 'I' and 'my' it can actually be read 'us', 'we' and 'our'. 2. I write this purely from our own family's experience of homeschooling; from Sean and my opinions based on what we feel is best and right for our family. Homeschooling is not for everyone and I know that all parents make the best decisions they can for their children.]

So, what have I learnt?

1. My children will learn in spite of me

Call it God's grace, His perfect design or anything you like but for a year I deschooled (meaning we took a break from anything school like, curriculum centered or structured) and we played and learnt what we felt like learning about. I did this more for my sake than my boys' because, having been a teacher and then lecturer, I felt I needed to take time to work out what education means to me and our family. What astounded me (and it probably shouldn't have) was just how much my boys learnt in that time, despite no formal input. I must add that I was (and still am) very intentional about using almost any situation as a learning opportunity but I did not go out to teach specific concepts. Tristan and Connor both learnt to count higher than they could before. Tristan learnt how to draw people with eyes and proper faces. And of course from all the outside and ball play (the boys play soccer or cricket for an hour every day with dad) the boys have good gross motor coordination.

2. Our boys will learn what they need to in their own time

With no recent lessons at all, Tristan learnt to swim on his own. He is our more cautious son and so it took him a while to feel safe and to gather courage and confidence. But when the time was right, he jumped in (arm band less) and swam. Now he does somersaults (and all sorts of things that his mom prefers not to watch). Tristan also learnt to ride a bike. He had a balance bike a few years ago but when we moved we had no place for proper bike riding. For Christmas both boys got bikes with fairy wheels and within about two weeks Tristan's fairy wheels were off and he was riding on his own.

3. Play is not just important, it is vital and non negotiable

We do about 35-45 minutes of input and activity time each day (this would include Zulu lessons with Thembi too). The rest of the day is spent playing. Playing in the sandpit, jumping on the trampoline, building forts, dressing up and role playing... My boys have become excellent at entertaining themselves, they do not complain that they are bored and I seldom need to present them with activity options because they simply create play opportunities for themselves.  Part of their role is play is definitely stimulated by the imaginative story telling that happens every night, with Sean, before bedtime. Dad has read through the entire Narnia series with the boys and he is currently reading through the Kingdom Series (by Chuck Black) with them.

4. The only one limiting my children is myself

Sean has always been very good at giving our boys responsibilities. They both have daily chores (which include opening curtains, making their own breakfast, feeding dogs and giving them water and picking up dog poop).  They are also now very good at cleaning up their bedroom (which includes folding clothes and keeping their cupboards neat) and play areas. In fact our two boys do a better job of cleaning up at 6 and 4 than I did at 20! Added to this I cannot, with 3 children to work around, plan different work daily for Tristan and Connor. I therefore teach to Tristan's age and Connor joins us. Even as a school teacher I was always of the opinion that you teach more to children than what they need to know; those who can take more in will and those who cannot won't.  So Connor, although never forced (he is allowed to go do something else if he doesn't want to join us for certain activities), does the same activities in Maths and phonics as Tristan. And let me just say that this little four year old, of his own accord, can count in 10's, understands place value of tens and units, knows the sounds of many of the letters (and can write capital and lower case T, and C as well as several numbers and other letters). Connor is definitely bright, he has an amazing memory and he is the second child; all of which help his academic ability. The benefit of homeschooling is that I can move as quickly or slowly as the boys need. Connor can be 4 years old doing 'Grade R' Maths or he can be 8 years old doing 'Grade 1' Maths. (I put Grade R and Grade 1 in inverted commas because I prefer not to refer to Grades, rather to the ages of my boys. I use grades as a sort of framework for milestones but I prefer to refer to Tristan as being 6, not being in Grade R).

5. How I define homeschooling (and education)

I have a dear friend who has just started homeschooling her 3 lovely children. Her oldest daughter is nearly 8 this year. It is always daunting to take the first step towards homeschooling; having a child who has been at school and who is older must make it even more so. I tried really hard to encourage her during a conversation we were having. In this I shared with her my view on education (I hadn't really put it down in words before): my view is that education is much more than teaching my child to read, add, subtract and learn facts. For me education is holistic; it is development of the heart, spirit, mind and body in a way which is nurturing and safe. It is character development. It is spiritual development. In an academic sense, I feel that my absolute role as a homeschool mom is to teach our children to read, write and of course the basics of maths etc but most of all, to teach them how to learn and TO LOVE LEARNING! If they love learning then the world is their oyster!

Apart from the question around sport, I know that many dads question what role they can play in homeschooling. For this very reason I have tried to show Sean's involvement in the day to day life of our boys' education; the sporting side of soccer and cricket (there are also club based sporting opportunities of course), the hands on and problem solving side which he focuses on during his homeschooling time every Thursday and the creative story telling aspect which he does with the boys before bedtime. All these have created unique roles for us, as a team, in Tristan and Connor's holistic educational development.

I would like to end off by sharing my views on the socialisation of our boys, as this is still the most commonly asked question and concern for many people that I speak to.  At a homeschool seminar that we attended in 2014, Martie du Plessis from Dynamis Learning said that the first place all children learn socialisation is at home. I fully agree with her. Our boys are learning to relate to each other, to their sister and to us as adults in the safety of their own home environment. I have seen that they (Tristan in particular) are learning to take the skills they have picked up at home and adapt these in other situations and environments. Tristan is very social and loves to be around people, especially other children. He makes friends quickly and easily.  He is able to relate to people of his own age, as 

well as children who are older and younger than him. I am in no way saying that his social skills are perfect. What I am saying is that because he is exposed to children, and even adults of all ages, he is learning to relate to both young and old alike. How are the boys being socialised? Both boys attend our church children's ministry every Sunday morning (according to our boys this is actually what school is). Tristan is in a group of children from Grade R to 5 and last year was the youngest in this group. Connor is in a group of children from 2 years old to Grade R. Yes, this is Sundays only but it is a consistent part of their socialisation.  I have also been very intentional this year to arrange play dates with friends in our area and we have been on an Adventure Club outing (with more planned after we move).  So have I forgotten to socialise our kids? No. Am I concerned that they will be socially awkward? No. Have they started to make special friends who they want to spend time with regularly? Yes.  Enough said.    

Heading in to year three, I am grateful for our homeschool journey so far and I have no regrets. I feel that this is my calling and although some days are tougher than others, I never wake up to a new day with anything but joy in my heart at being able to spend the day with the ones I love (my children) and doing what I love (teaching/imparting knowledge).  I am grateful for my amazing husband and his day to day support (I get coffee in bed every morning, I get 5-6pm off and Sean also takes the boys for an activity every Thursday for an hour so I can prep).  I am thankful for friends who are on this journey either ahead of me or alongside me. I am grateful for good resources which take the edge off my planning (and lessen the time needed to plan). I am thankful for the support of family, (financial and other) who see the boys thrive and are quick to compliment us in our decision, albeit an educational road less traveled.  Indeed, our family is taking the more scenic route along the dirt road. 

If you are interested in reading my very first blog post about homeschooling, you can find it at:

http://walkervilleadventure.blogspot.co.za/2015/02/swimming-upstream.html

Living with the 'Dreaded D'

*death* *divorce* *drug abuse* *diabetes* *disability*
   *drinking*  *danger* *despair* *disaster* 
*dizziness* *defeat* *deprivation* 
*despondency* *delirium* 
*disillusionment* 
*distress*

Interesting to see how many potentially 'dreaded' words actually start with the letter 'd'. And any of these could be what I refer to when I say 'living with the Dreaded D'. But none of these are my 'Dreaded D' word.  When I speak of living with the 'Dreaded D' I am in fact referring to another D word (and here goes; deep breath):

depression

There it is. In black and white. What was hidden is now out in the open. 

Depression. A word that many misunderstand, a word that comes packed with heavy judgement and stigmas. And for these 3 reasons (misunderstanding, judgement,stigma) I have felt prompted to share my journey with depression. I am not one to 'air my dirty laundry' in public (so to speak) but over the last while, when considering my next blog post, I knew that this would be what I would write about.  

Recently this quote (on the left), and others like it, have appeared frequently on my Facebook feed.  I think 2016 has been a hard year for many people and in this way I feel that for most, this phrase comes loaded with a certain amount of pain and disappointment. For me, however, when I look back at where I was a year ago (almost to the day) I was in the deepest part of the greyness of my depression; terrible sleep, exceptionally high anxiety and not yet on medication.  So for me these words are a refreshing reminder of just how far I have come in the year since I was 're-medicated'.

Those close to me will know that depression is something I have lived with for quite a few years now. I was first officially diagnosed with depression in 2005 but when I look back, even to before this time, I can see hints and suggestions that depression may have been around a little bit longer (possibly even since 1997). My first year out of school and into University was a year full of newness and sadness and excitement and many mixed emotions.  Let me just clarify; I made amazing friends and loved university life but in 1997, there were many significant shifts and changes that happened and when I look back now, I can see more clearly that even then the grey cloud of depression was already a companion.

I know I know, why only now a year of medication when I was first diagnosed in 2005? Well I was always very faithful in taking my medication but after a significant time (each time) I would, with my doctor's go ahead, wean myself off. Being off medication would work well for me, for a time. I am one of the lucky ones; I do not truly suffer from depression. What I mean by this is that when I am on the right medicine I am back to myself and feel good and healthy in all ways. I have dear friends who, despite medication, really still struggle daily with their depression. So I would be on medication and then, with the doctor's permission, come off again.  To be honest, I don't really know why I always chose to come off (fear of judgement or stigma perhaps?).  

I seem to be one of those people whose depression is triggered by big change; post natal depression a year after Tristan was born (apparently this is very common), the death of my dad and then more recently our big move last year. Please don't get me wrong. I love every bit of the decision we made to move out of the city and to live a simpler life. I have never regretted a single moment of this move. Unfortunately I couldn't quite get my heart and my physical body to come on board in the same way (*😉*).

Before suffering from depression myself, I must confess that I was one of those people who thought depression was an emotion that could be overcome simply with right thinking. I wondered why people couldn't just 'pull themselves towards themselves' and 'get over it'. Gosh, how totally naive and insensitive! Only now that I have felt the very real mental, emotional and more especially physiological effects of depression can I fully relate and empathise.  Before going back on medication again last year, I did pray that God would take this from me. I tried to change my diet, tried more exercise and so on. But in the end, when Sean looked at me and said that he could see I had tried but was struggling, I knew it was time for another doctor's visit. Fast forward to today and I have been on depression medication for almost a whole year. What a relief is all I can say! I am so thankful for modern medicine!

I feel led to address a few misunderstandings about depression that I have come across.   One of them is who is likely to have depression.  I know many amazing women who are on medication. And to be honest, if you met any of us you would most likely never imagine that we suffer (some much more than others) with this illness. We are smiley and happy and friendly. We are social, loving and empathetic. Depression doesn't have a personality type. And this brings me to the second misunderstanding; a misunderstanding that I myself carried for far too long.  Just like diabetes or heart disease are physical illnesses, depression is just as much a physical illness that may affect anyone at any time.  Medication doesn't make us 'high' or unnaturally happy.  For me, medication simply helps me to feel like me and to be the best me that I can be.  Of course the thing about depression is that, sadly, the physical manifestation of the illness can result in struggles that are not just physical but emotional and mental too.  

What I won't go into now is anything related to depression and Christianity. This is not my area of expertise and I imagine the views are far and wide. What I will say is that I love the Lord and I have depression. I have prayed and I feel total peace about being on medication. And yes I have prayed that God would heal me (as I have and would pray if I had any other illness). But even as I write this I can see that God has always had a plan and that perhaps by me sharing some of my own journey, someone else will feel free to share theirs (or to get some help if they haven't already).

And now for the greatest challenge that I have ever faced in all my years of depression.
The STIGMA.
Oh my goodness, the stigma of depression is like the hugest, most daunting mountain. And for this reason, before last year, I hardly told anyone about my diagnosis or that I was on medication.  The most ironic thing is that my OWN stigma about my OWN depression far exceeded anything anyone else could throw at me.  Thoughts like: 

I am weak 

I obviously cannot manage life very well

I am a failure
What will people think of me?

What kind of a wife/mother/friend can I be? and so on and so on.  

Now if I had diabetes what kind of crazy thoughts would these be? And this is also the reason that when I went back on medication at the end of 2015 I decided it was time to get over my own stigmatised ideas of depression.  For the first time ever I decided to be open and honest about my struggle and the response I got was simply amazing and totally supportive.  I now even joke on occasion with Sean by saying: "Don't worry I am on medication" (and we both laugh) when something slightly stressful or out of the ordinary comes up. And I don't mean this disrespectfully and flippantly.  I meant this in the way that medication has helped me feel just like me again. And the me that I am is more laid back, takes more in my stride, is not highly anxious, does not have a grey cloud living in her head, laughs and smiles and jokes...

So there it is. An honest confession and a baring of some of the more personal aspects of my life. Part of my reason for sharing this is my continuing desire to unstigmatise my own illness for myself. Another part is because, perhaps by sharing this, there are more people who will feel like they can also be open to sharing with the safe people in their lives. There may be someone who, like I once did, thinks that their friend/ partner/family member should just 'get over it' and perhaps now they realise that you don't just get over a physical illness, especially one like depression.  Perhaps there is even someone reading this who thinks they may be depressed or who should be on medication but the stigma of it all is just too much.

I don't know. I do know that it took me 6 months to write this post and even if I wrote it for no other reason but to have put myself out there, in a place of vulnerability, it will be worth it. I do pray though that the people who may read this will be, for whatever reasons, the ones who need to.

Now to press 'publish' and 'share'.
*Gulp*
*Deep breath*

10 December 2016
I have had a quick reread of my blog post (as I always do before hitting publish). I would just like to say that what I have written here is solely my own experience and my own thoughts and feelings on depression. I am in no ways a medical professional and my only expertise in this area come from living my own form of depression myself.  I would also never suggest coming off medication at any time without the advice of a medical professional.  

Okay, now time to hit publish!

It's About Time...

18 months since changing the world as we knew it, packing up our Sandton apartment and lifestyle, and moving to live on a farm 30km's south of Joburg, I find myself wondering... What's really new, and is life all that different? I mean, after all, we didn't emigrate (although as one of my friends from the north used to say, anything beyond the Joburg ringroad requires a passport!).

We still eat 3 square meals a day, put petrol in the car, go on holidays (sort of), need to consider the education of our children, pay the bills, and go to church. Nothing new here. So what is new? Well, if i'm honest, a couple things do come to mind, but for the purposes of this blog, there's one thing in particular that warrants a mention.

I would have to say, that of all the things that have changed, this one has probably had the single biggest overall impact on my life. Simply put, my understanding and experience of time, has forever changed, and forever changed me...

Have you ever wondered what the common and defining denominator of every created thing is? In other words what is the single thing that applies to everything? I'll tell you... Time. Here's an example... The sun. Yes, it's big, hot and yellow, but so is a bonfire. What makes the sun unique, is that it's 8.5 light minutes away from earth, and releases the equivalent of 1 million atomic bombs worth of energy every second. Without time, there is no way to measure distance, and no way to measure output!

Essentially the same is true for me and you. Without time, it is difficult to really tell us apart. Sure, we might look, sound and act differently, but isn't it time that truly makes us unique? For example; Time = life = experience. Time = choice = consequences. Time = space = place. Time you see, and specifically what we do with it, is the real defining factor of our lives.

Allow me to share how powerful this truth has been in my life. When we moved to the farm, I promised myself that I would not go back to working a 50 hour week. I promised myself that those things that I verbally subscribed to carrying weight in my life, would actually start to carry weight in my life. My hypocritical days needed to end, and the only thing that stood between me and making this happen, was good old father time.

And so, with a very deep breath, and the inaudible voice of God (I think Moses really had it easy sometimes), I decided to work a 4 day week, and use the fifth day, a Friday, as a day of rest... A Sabbath. Anyway, that was 18 months ago, and fast fwd today, I can honestly say, without a shadow of doubt, that it has been the single greatest influencing factor in my 'new' life. So much so, that I actually joke about my 'previous' life lived in Sandton!

Now, just before I get shot for heresy by my Christian mates, for mistakenly subscribing my salvation to Father time, as opposed to Father God, allow me to elaborate using my previous equations;

• Time = life = experience...

• I have experienced a freedom on Friday's that I never knew existed. A freedom to allow my only responsibility to be to God. This sounds mad, but I assure you, it is life. To make space to hear from and spend time with my creator, has provided me with a perspective I never had before...
• We've all seen the Truman Show or at least the Matrix right... You know the plot... Where what you see is actually not reality, and that what you think is life, is instead simply a make believe existence. Or put another way, how our identity and security is so closely linked to working, instead of being able to find our identity and security in the one who made us, and has promised to provide for us...
• Now don't hear what i'm not saying. I'm not advocating a #workmustfall campaign, because work is beautiful in the sense that we invent, and serve, and cure, and teach, and provide, but it's just a piece of the puzzle. In our post-modern, matrix world, I think we believe (because that's what we give all our time to) that work is the cure and the puzzle!

• Time = choice = consequence...

• The immediate consequence of living a 4 day work week (within a no work = no pay context) is a 20% cut in household income. Sound impossible? Not really, but it does require a redefinition of priorities, and a measure of faith.
• In our case, we took the plunge, and moved outside of the suburbs, where for one, life is cheaper, and you can do more yourself. Included here below, are a couple of budget eating line items we addressed, mostly because of our new environment...
• No dstv (but that's cheating because we don't have a tv!) (but yes, we do have youtube!) 
• No private schooling (we home school, and you need space for that)
• No big bond (actually no bond at all) - we’ve elected to rent for availability and flexibility purposes
• No RA / pension and I (not the family) have no medical insurance (I do however have life insurance (while the kids are in school) and 3 kids saving / education policies).
• We grow some vegetables and eat pap 
• We still have a nanny, but that's more about job creation & upliftment than domestic help, although Thembi is a great help, but also part of the family!
• All of the above is rounded off with a very efficient budget, run by my wife (incorporating life threatening sms's if i go over budget on my entertainment, blessing (not blesser!), petrol, etc.)
• And in the end, we still manage to give away 15% of our monthly income to advancing God’s Kingdom 

• Time = space = place... 

• So what does making space for a 3 day weekend (as some of my mates refer to it) offer? Well one thing's for sure, I find myself in some very different places, doing some very different things (to my previous life). Things that I actually love to do, and truly feed my soul / spirit.
• What things are these you might ask? Well, as much as watching a rugby game with my mates on a Saturday is a joy, or playing cops and robbers with the boys is a laugh, or thinking up new business ideas is inspiring, you get the picture. As much as these are wonderful things, and God given gifts, they simply don't feed my soul / spirit.
• So then, what does? Well, here is a list of the 5 things that take up the majority of my Friday's, mostly...
• Having time to walk and pray in the farmlands where I stay
• Having time to drink coffee and talk life with friends and strangers and least once a week
• Having time to think about and plan how to love people better - and then actually doing it!
• Having time to read and watch things that inspire me, teach me, and change me...
• Having time to scrap the daily diary, and let God fill my diary instead (if ever I write a book by the way, i think I'll call it 'God wants to be your PA' (now I really am going to be excommunicated!)

My parting thought on this issue of time / rest, finds its roots in the downtime I spend with the boys on the couch each evening after dinner.  It's here that we fill our minds with books written about people and places that really understand and know the value of time... Where life is always lived with a purpose and vision beyond the here and now, and the decisions made are filtered outside of the matrix. Sound like lah lah land? 

Well, in these books the places are called Narnia (by CS lewis) and Arenthrea (by Chuck Black), and they're only really accessible by the minds of children, because the main characters are talking lions and wicked witches, knights of the Prince, and shadow warriors. And in their worlds, good and evil are easy to see and understand, and the consequences of allegiances made immediately felt and measured. 

Interestingly enough, what you will never find in these worlds, and their associated story lines, are uneventful, boring and safe existences. The stakes are always high, but so are the rewards, and life is one adventure after the next. Of course the boys love it, and believe it all. I love it, but struggle to believe it, even though somewhere inside of me (and you), we know it's true! I know that so much of what I see with the eyes in my head, and process with my well conditioned mind, is inconsequential and temporal. And so much of what I am supposed to see with the eyes of my heart, and process with the mind of a child, is worthy and eternal.

"Now they were bringing even infants to him that he might touch them. And when the disciples saw it, they rebuked them. But Jesus called them to him, saying, “Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.” ' 

- Luke 18v15-17

Take the red pill!

Long live Aslan!

Long live the Prince!

The feet that bring good news: Adopting Izabella-Joy

On the 13 April 2016 at 13:30 Izabella-Joy Krige arrived home. In many ways it was totally surreal to finally arrive home with our daughter and yet we had been preparing for this day for two years.  Izzy has been home for over two months now and we could not imagine life without her. My days are full and my heart is totally overflowing with contentment; I love being a mom of three.

Sean, Izzy and I on 13 April 2016

When we share how quickly Izabella-Joy came to be with us people marvel at the speed at which things happened. We met with Susan, our new social worker, on 7 March. We had our first official screening on 17 March, met Izzy on 21 March and Izzy came home on 13 April. What you don't hear from this side of things is the journey it took to get us to Susan and Izzy and the remarkable hand of God that was so clearly on us all as we went.

I won't back track too much as I already shared my heart in my previous post titled Adoption: the Tragedy and Privilege (see below for the link to this). Where I do want to start is at the part, where after nearly two years, we thought we had found the right social worker to take us forward. We waited out 2015 with her and in January 2016 I called her to ask for any updates. She had good news for us; a pregnant mom about to give birth. There was a lot of excitement and anticipation around this but there were also a few too many unanswered questions. After about a month of waiting we decided, for integrity purposes, to move on from this mom and our social worker (by mutual agreement). I was heartbroken, beaten down and very disappointed. I tried hard to remember that my hope was never going to be in a potential mom or social worker but rather in God. I prayed that God would guide and show us who our daughter was and that when she came home there would be absolutely no doubt that THIS was the daughter God had always planned for us.

Confirmation...

Fast forward to March 2016. Through a recommendation by Caroline Webb from Baby Haven, I contacted an adoption accredited social worker called Susan and we agreed to set up a meeting. All set. Except for one major catch. Susan's fees were almost double the previous social worker's and although we had saved, our savings only came to less than half Susan's fees.  I did a lot of crying again that weekend. I cried in disappointment, frustration, discouragement and for so many other reasons. As I 'knew' we couldn't afford Susan's fees I contacted Bev from Oasis Haven who had, two years prior, told me she knew a good adoption social worker. Bev's reply... Susan! Although unsure of how we would pay, we at least felt that we were on the right track.

Gold In My Hands:

On Sunday of that same weekend we were driving to see friends in Randburg. On the way home we passed a whole lot of gold mine dumps and Connor was rather fascinated by the story of gold. At some point along the journey he said he would like to see gold to which I very calmly and nonchalantly replied that he could see some when we got home because I had a gold Kruger Rand sitting in my cupboard (yes, I know, my cupboard!?). STOP. I looked at Sean. I HAVE A KRUGER RAND IN MY CUPBOARD! Light bulb moment. With the rand/dollar exchange rate I could get the amount of money we needed to pay for our social worker's fees.  But that wasn't the only beautiful part... I had, for some time during my prayer and worship time, been getting a reoccurring picture of a gold bar in each of my hands.  I had asked God to show me if this had any meaning and to be honest, I had put it to the back of my mind. Until that Sunday. I told Sean about the picture I had been getting and realised that all along God had been telling me that I had gold in my hands. Literally.  By Tuesday the Kruger Rand was sold and we knew confidently that God had provided for our every need for our daughter.

(An aside): This Kruger Rand had been given to me by Granny Patty, Sean's gran, about 9 years ago as a welcome to the family gift. Little did she know just how significant this gift of hers would be to us. There were many tough financial times in the past 9 years and yet, until now, we had never even considered selling the gold.  

Signs:

The first time we met with Susan for a general meeting she asked us many questions and then told us about a little girl (very special to her heart) up for adoption. Susan had felt God clearly tell her that THIS little girl needed to be adopted by a Christian family. We came along about a month after Izzy had been released from hospital into the safe care of an amazing Christian foster family who run an NPO called Onthatile Children's Ministries. There she would wait until she would be adopted and if she wasn't adopted then... well I hate to even think.

One of the pairs of baby shoes that
was put up around our house

The thing about Izzy was that she was born with club feet.  This made her a 'special needs' adoption; something many prospective parents refuse to even consider (I respect every prospective adoptive parent's right to make the best decisions for themselves).  For Sean and I however, the fact that Izzy had clubbed feet made us pretty sure from that very first meeting, that this was our daughter.  Why? Well, several reasons.  Firstly, our family is pretty unique, each one with our own eccentric element; Connor has a webbed toe, I have bunions, Sean has had his fair share of weird and wonderful physical ailments and Trist, well my pregnancy with him was almost all drama, Clubbed feet? Welcome to our family! Added to this, at the end of 2015 (also shown in my previous blog post) I had put up baby girl shoes all around our house to remind us of our Joy to come. Shoes. Which belong on feet.  I could have hung up pink ribbons, teddy bears, a baby outfit or anything else but for me it was shoes! A coincidence? I think not.

I mentioned earlier that through all my tears of anguish over the waiting, of frustration and disappointment, I prayed continually that God would show us and make it clear who our daughter was. Izzy was naturally not given the name Izabella at birth. She had been given another name at the hospital where she was born. I did a little bit of asking around and it turned out that this name meant 'sign' or 'to show the way'. Of course Sean and I smiled when we heard this as only our gracious God could have orchestrated such a thing. And although it wasn't the reason we 'just knew', it was a special little addition to all the other things God had put in place to prepare us for this daughter!

What's In a Name:
I had loved the name Izabella long before it became popular with Bella in Breaking Dawn (which I have never watched). It means 'Devoted to God'. I had suggested to Sean that we call her Izabella Rose as my second name is Rosamund, so for a long time our baby girl to be was Izabella Rose or Izzy. It may sound strange to say this but God literally stepped in and changed her name. In 2014 and through 2015 I had been given the words 'joy' and 'surprised by joy' as something to work towards and hold on to. For a long while I thought these had to do with our big life changes and our moving to the farm. As our adoption journey continued, however, I got the feeling that joy was in fact Joy, a person, referring to our daughter. I prayed a lot for our daughter throughout our two year journey but at this time I started to pray joy over her specifically.  One Sunday morning I met up one of my besties, Ang, for breakfast and prayer. I still remember so clearly that we were sitting at the edge of the Zoo Lake, watching the ducks, and Ang was praying for Sean and I and our unknown daughter. She started praying about joy for us, joy for our daughter; JOY JOY JOY. I had not mentioned my idea that 'joy' referred to our daughter but in that moment I felt God was whispering the name 'Izabella-Joy'. And that is how Izabella-Joy got her name; Joyfully Devoted to God. And let me add, she lives up to her name in every way! Not only is she is delight and joy to us and all who meet her, but she has so much joy inside of her; a joy that bubbles up and over in her beautiful smile and sweet little laugh.

And Now:

Our beautiful Izzy

Fast forward to today, 24 June 2016. Izzy has been with us for two months and eleven days. Not once in that time have we ever doubted that this precious little girl is and always was destined to be OUR DAUGHTER. We could not love her more. I love her with every inch of my being; I loved her long before I met her.  Although bonding and attachment is a journey, there is no doubt in our minds that she knows that we are her mom and dad and that she is home, where she belongs. When Izzy smiles at Sean, he just melts. Part of this may be that she is his little girl, but I think a bigger part is that her smile means 'I trust you. I am yours and you are mine'. Our little fighter girl was born eight weeks premature, removed from the only safe space she knew for nearly 9 months, born with clubbed feet and put in casts at birth, heavily jaundiced at a few days old, moved from the hospital she was born in, to a special foster home and then moved again to our family. So in her smile and laugh, saying 'I trust you', means the world to us!

Last Thoughts:

Through this journey I have learnt so much but what is most precious to me is getting a glimpse into God's heart for adoption.  I have only seen wave after wave of His grace pour over us since Izzy came home. There is too much to mention it all but His grace has been evident in everything from the outpouring of love and emotional support, meals, celebrations and gifts to friends financially sponsoring physio appointments, pediatric physios charging next to nothing for their expertise (and so on and so on)... It is by this grace and through my love for Izzy that I feel I have caught just a little glimpse into how much God loves me (and us) as His adopted child.

Our special daughter was worth every moment of frustration; all the tears, all the waiting and all the longing. God knew each moment, He knew our daughter and He had always known that she was to be ours and we were to be hers.  I cannot wait to be able to share her beautiful face but for now, meet the feet that will fit those shoes that we had up around our house:

    

"How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news,

who proclaim peace, who bring good tidings, who proclaim salvation..." (Isaiah 52:7)

**If you missed my first adoption blog post and would like to read what came before this blog post you can find it at: 

http://walkervilleadventure.blogspot.co.za/2016/02/adoption-tragedy-and-privilege.html