Am I Enough?

Am I enough?

This question has been spinning around my head and weighing in on my heart this evening as I look back on my Monday and reflect on my day. Am I enough? I think, if I am honest, this question has probably been around my heart for many years, not just a few hours. I think it perfectly captures all the thoughts I have started blogging about and then changing and redirecting in my head (yes, I do that. I blog in my head a bit and then put it in writing). 

Am I enough?

The reason why today these words have really caught hold of me is that for the first time in a long while, I actually sat back and thought "What do I DO all day? What do I have to show for my time?" Yes, I keep two very active boys alive, feed them, clean cuts and give hugs. Today we also read books, cleaned the garden, played with puzzles and I made homemade bread. But really? Is that all? I realise my formal homeschooling has not begun yet but on a day like today with no shopping, no internet access (and little admin to do anyway), I felt pretty useless. And this brings me back to the question, Am I enough? Me, not what I do or don't do in a day. Just me. Minus the wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend label. Is who I am, as Dannean, enough?

I think so. I hope so. But right now, I don't really know.

A recent in-my-head blog post that I started was around the topic of apologising. In this I considered what I have learnt, am still learning and need to learn not to apologise for. I say sorry A LOT. As I was thinking about the words 'Am I enough' I realised that this so closely links to the things I still need to learn not to apologise for. These things interestingly fit into three perfect categories for me: my home, my social environement and my family. This is what I mean:

I am a bit of a perfectionist in general. I like a clean house and a comfortable and practical living space. Like any woman, I also like nice and pretty things. Let me start by saying that we are blessed to have everything we need. But it would be really nice to have a dining room table that we could use as a dining room table and not a work space. To have a set of unpeeling dining room chairs and an easy-on-the-eye coffee table (these were, I may add, given to us in excellent condition several years ago by friends). When people come for lunch or dinner, we eat around the coffee table. What is funny to me is that when we lived in our flat, this never bothered me. It was just how it was. But now it feels so impractical.  We have done it; had five people eating around our coffee table. And I am sure I apologised for it.

Since we moved into a much bigger house, I have realised how much is ingrained in me, as a woman. My desire to now decorate and 'make pretty' and be able to show off my house like a prized painting. I didn't even realise that a part of me felt this was my 'right'.  Of course, there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a nice place to live, a pretty house and nice things. But this is not the focus of our move or life change. And this is not, for many reasons (only some of it financial), the time. So I have been thinking: 'Does all this really matter?' Does it matter that we all eat around our peeling coffee table; cosily squished together, food mostly on our laps? Surely it is more important that when people visit they feel welcomed, loved and wanted, not that my house is a vision of beauty and perfection? In other words, peeling chairs and coffee table dinner dates aside, am I enough that people could see past the imperfections of our house and feel loved and welcomed anyway? By me. Just me? Or more importantly, can I look past the imperfections and seeming impracticalities and allow myself, just as I am, to be enough?

It seems to be celebration season at the moment with birthdays and baby showers and many other fun celebrations happening. I love celebrating with friends and family. The reality is, however, that we have a R200 present budget. For the month. The entire month. For every single celebration that may come along. This past month we had a party every single weekend plus it was Sean's birthday near the end of April (May's present budget). I don't think I have to explain that when R200 is divided by about 6 it does not equate to very much present money per friend. And to be honest, we budget for everything (!) so it is not just a simple case of shifting some things around to spend more here and less there. My point is this, I feel guilty? bad? sad? less than a good friend? when my love and care for a friend (or their little one) cannot equate into what would be seen as a significant gift. I feel bad for my kids when they gleefully hand over a teeny tiny thought present to their friend which inevitably gets lost in amongst the large expensive ones and which (let's admit) is nowhere near as exciting. (This being said I was so blessed to see two little friends recently wearing our birthday gifts and looking gorgeous in them). Let me just clarify something... This is not anyone else's issue but mine! I have never been looked down upon by friends for giving a small baby shower gift or birthday gift to their kids. It is simply my own feelings. Would I like to be able to spend more? Sometimes (on the big people). Can I? Not at this stage. So the question again: Am I enough? Am I enough that my friends, family, friends' kids can look beyond the money value that the gift holds to the heart behind who is giving it? More importantly, can I look beyond the money value of the gift? Can I trust my own heart and allow myself, just as I am, to be enough?

Lastly, of course is something relating to our boys. Tristan turned 4 in January. He already wears a size 11 shoe and 5-6 clothing. I feel like every time I look away he grows a bit more and outgrows more clothing. To be honest, it is hard to keep up with him. His t-shirts fit but are too short. He has a real mishmash of odds and ends in his cupboard. And that is okay for farm life. And in theory it is okay for all life. But I cannot help feel just a little bit guilty when we are out and about with friends and my kids look like, well, farm kids while all the other kids look like mini models for Jet, Edgar's and Woolies. I don't mean designer, I just mean, their clothes actually fit them. Unlike my little guy who either wears things that are too short (while I wait for him to grow through the transition phase) or two sizes too big (because I won't buy something now that he will grow out of in two months time). And let's not even mention Connor aka The Hand Me Down Kid. Again, no one has ever commented or made me feel like this is an issue. This is entirely my own 'thing' and my own guilt. And I ask again. Am I enough? Am I enough that anyone looking from the outside in, will know that our boys are loved and treasured and the very reason their clothes are not perfect is because they have both their parents investing huge amounts of time and love into them? Can I look past short t-shirts and hand me downs and trust that what I, and more importantly I pray God, is investing into their hearts and characters far outweighs any material items they could possess?

Am I enough?

In reflecting on this I think I would be safe to say that I am not alone. Especially as a woman. Working mums, stay home mums, single mums, not-yet-mums, married, unmarried, high powered jobs, less powered jobs, retired, introverts, extroverts, owners, renters, financially stable, financially struggling...  Don't we all wonder at some point if we are enough? 

I wish there was a simple equation of x +y = z. In other words, do this, say this, pray this and you will know that you are enough. But truth be told, this is a question that I feel no one else can settle or answer for me or for any of us. It is a journey we all have to undertake. Perhaps even a lonely life time journey. In the end I feel that I am truly the only one who can decide if, just as I am, I am enough.

A Knife, a Fork (and a dog named Jake)

I am not sure how many friends of ours from 'the North' think we are just plain crazy, unwise, foolish or irresponsible (or all four). No one has actually said this to us in so many words. I do think our friends from 'the South' wonder what the big deal is. Yes, we have moved location. But we are still in civilisation, have the luxury of WiFi, shops, cell phones, two cars AND to top it all off, the benefits of living on a farm! What's the big deal? (They probably think we are plain crazy for the fact that we make such a big deal about our move ;)).

But here is the thing; our move has not just been about a change in location.  This has been about us choosing (prayerfully) a path that we feel is less travelled. One which we believe will take us in the direction we want to go and where we will end up where we want to be.  We have given God permission to do things His way, in His timing and we have (for me, sometimes reluctantly) agreed to hand over all control fully to Him. Of course we have responsibility on our part and we do not take this lightly. But we have stuck up our hands and said: 'Here we are Lord. Use us!' And He will. And He is. But my oh my is He also teaching, moulding and training us. Let me now move from 'us' talk to 'me' talk. I can honestly say that in 36 years (16 of them as a Christian), I have never been as stretched in my faith as I am today.  You see I chose not only to move house, change community and have family and friends further away but in doing all this I chose (and agreed to) shift our financial position, change my outlook on schooling, get comfortable with change, and get used to uncertainty and NOT BEING IN CONTROL. It is hard and it is scary. Harder in some ways than I thought. But I have already seen God move in ways that only He can; amazing ways!

My single biggest prayer before we moved (and still now) has been for God's will alone to be done. Not Sean's, not mine, God's. I said countless times that I would gladly look like a fool but I asked simply that if God wanted us to stay and not move that everything fall to pieces before the truck arrived to take our things and move our life. Amazing how I could pray so fervently for something and then miss the answer to prayer. And not only that, but feel grieved and disappointed when things have not turned out as I hoped or expected. Let me explain:

A Knife 

Last week Friday was pay day. Usually I celebrate on this day as by this time there is often more month left than money. No celebrations this month. Sean got paid his last salary at the end of March. He has not worked in April and has been waiting to receive an offer of part time employment from his previous company. Nothing had come. No work, no pay. *Big gulp number 1*.

Despite around 500 views on Private Property and several other failed leads and attempts, our lovely Riverclub flat still sits empty. No rental income (which we are relying on to live off) and of course it means we need to cover the levy, rates and our own Eieknhof rental this month. *Gulp number 2*.  

Now, perhaps, if I was outside looking in at The Kriges and their sticky situation I would have thought: 'If you were crazy (unwise/irresponsible) enough to make this move without having everything in place then why are you surprised?' and maybe even 'Get yourselves out of this mess (you heard wrong/ you left too much to God or chance)...'. And maybe I'd be justified in thinking this. But that would be putting a full stop where God has simply put a comma. Because despite our seemingly dismal circumstances, despite being on a knife's edge and unsure ourselves if we heard wrong/prayed too little/were unwise... God was not done. Sean and I prayed on Thursday night. I prayed (and cried) on Friday morning. And as only God can, He threw us a lifeline when we needed it!

A Fork

For us (or at least me), Thursday going into Friday found us at a fork in the road. We have moved. We are here. But we know that without financial provision, we are pretty stuck. Again I found myself praying that fool or not, God would just show us what He wants from us. If not here and this, then where and what? We prayed about our flat too. I have never before encountered such a closed door to something as I have with renting our flat out. I have blamed myself, questioned God and finally (slowly) accepted His way and His timing. This shut door has resulted in Sean and I taking a step back and asking if we are going in the wrong direction. It seems that God's complete silence in this regard has actually been a loud shout and an answer to my prayer of His will being done. We are looking into an alternative way to rent our flat out without us being tied down and although we will get out less rental, it comes with low/no risk and is long term. *Breathe in*. On Friday Sean also got paid out for his leave; a lot more than we though. *Breathe out*. Two lifelines that I so desperately needed and which gave me the strength to keep on keeping on.  

A Dog Named Jake

On Saturday we camped in our friends' garden, on a plot, in Walkerville. It was such a special time for us as a family, with our boys and with friends.  We have been looking around for a Jack Russell and a Staffie puppy (or young dog) to add to our family. On Sunday, we came home with Jake Krige II (aka Jake Jake), our new addition to the Krige family! A dog to catch snakes and rats, a playmate for the boys, a pair of alert ears at night, but for me especially, a whisper from God: 'You're okay, trust Me, have faith, even if things don't look like you think they should. Even if you don't understand. Even if you can't see how things will work out. Just trust Me.'

I need so much grace. From God, from my little family, from our wider family and from friends. In needing this grace myself, I find it becoming easier to give it (even perhaps when it isn't due). But this is a story for another time.

Do I think we have been crazy? unwise? foolish? irresponsible? No. We have prayed, we have sought, we have listened, we have trusted and WE ARE HERE. There is no going back. There is no plan B. There is only God, His will, His ways and our willingness to let Him do what He does best- be God!

Sean and Jake, our new addition to the family

02 May

I started the above post about a week ago. Since then I have looked at our finances in detail, which I do weekly. God got us through April with all the unforeseen costs. And by His grace and the generosity of our family, unexpected blessings from friends and monthly sponsors we are fully provided for in May. I am definitely learning the meaning of Our Daily Bread. So grateful...

Wide Open Spaces...

I drafted my last post just a couple days before our family relocation to Walkerville (3 weeks ago to the day), and so obviously quite a significant amount of emotional water has passed under the bridge since then. I say emotional, because i think anytime one goes through a major life event or decision, our emotions are always heightened, and rarely predictable...

In all honesty, i didn't know what to expect from a 'feelings' point of view after our move, other than the obvious excitement and trepidation associated with a new home (down south!) and an unknown path lying ahead of us. One feeling however that has remained with me since our arrival on the farm, is that of disbelief... Disbelief at just how incredibly beautiful our surroundings are, and that we have a 180 degree backyard panoramic view, of seemingly endless fields of green! (daybreak view below)

Funny enough, since the beginning of 2014, Dannean continuously spoke about 'wide open spaces' being something she felt in her spirit, and that it might have relevance to our future move... Well, how about 200 hectares of the greenest 'wide open space' you've ever seen - hahaha!!

Another feeling i currently harbour, is one of overwhelming gratefulness to God... Not only for the picture frame view and surroundings we find ourselves in, but for those people who have welcomed and surrounded us with such love, kindness and generosity. Greg & Charmaine Hart, Joe & Lorenzo Delauretis, Stephen & Bianca Poleman, and Vernon & Cristie Mitchell to name but a few... It really was something we never counted on or considering in planning our move, but to have received such wonderful support these past few weeks, has meant so much to Dannean & I. God really has made his people to be the tangible expression of his love and grace... Thank you Saints!

The last feeling i would like to share (at the risk of appearing to be overly in touch with my feminine side!), is that of childlike joy... Which over and above what i have already mentioned, almost certainly has as its source, me being in between jobs at the moment (in waiting on the Hope Factory's proposed offer of part-time mentorship) and having oodles of time to play the entrepreneur with 'Mbuzi' (Swahili for goat) - pictured here below... 

Mbuzi is my newly branded motorised bike, fitted with a 48cc engine onto Africa's toughest bicycle (according to the manufacturers). This concept, although as old as the motorbike itself, has held my attention (over the past 18 months) for 1 reason in particular... South Africa is a country in desperate need of alternative / improved public transport solutions. And so, with Mbuzi's range of 80-100km's on 2 litres of petrol, a top speed of 50km's an hour, and a price tag of only R4,000 - i'm hoping that he'll be it!

On a final note, and although it is still very early days, a huge thank you to my amazing family (wife!) for choosing to go on this wonderful adventure with me, and of course to our dear friends who have partnered with us in prayer, emotional and financial support - thank you from the bottom of my heart - i really do feel like the luckiest man alive! ps. there's always wine and a sunset at our new home, so for anyone in need of either or both, please do pay us a visit! (40km's south on the N1 from William Nicol off ramp)

'I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!' Psalm 27v13-14.

Just. Simply. Be

The craziness and busyness have ended: decison making, prayer and fasting over our future, planning, organising, packing, moving, cleaning, unpacking... All done. Of course we still have lose ends to tie up and much faith needed as we look for God's provision but the actual hard slog of getting here is all over. And I am content. I am finding joyful moments; sunshine on my face and the wide open spaces that I felt God speak to me about in July 2014. Yet, I feel like I am coming 'unstuck'. By this I don't mean I am falling apart. By this I mean, in the lack of me needing to plan, pack and organise, I find myself feeling utterly useless, purposeless and somewhat directionless. Not feelings that I expected to be confronted with this side of our journey. I am a doer by nature. Which makes me efficient and organised -yes- but does not alway endear me to those who are more feelers than doers (read: my wonderful husband). I have been and will continue to be praying that God will show me my purpose in this new life we have chosen. Purpose that goes beyond being wife and helper to Sean, mom and homeschooler to our boys, daughter, sister, friend... But today, for just one moment, I had a thought. I thought that perhaps my very own direction and purpose right now is to just. simply. be.  To let go of the pressure I place on me to do do do and to have something to show for my moments, days and weeks and to just be. To enjoy the blessing of my surroundings, the newness of it all and to simply abide in Him. Although it goes against my natural tendency, and of course I am still a wife, mom, daughter, sister and friend... I am also just me. And the best me I can be is found in me abiding in Him. 

WE. HAVE. ARRIVED!

WE. HAVE. ARRIVED!

It has been nearly two weeks since we arrived at our new house, on a farm, in Eikenhof (close to Walkerville). We have unpacked all our boxes and home is beginning to feel less like a holiday and more like, well, home! The move day went smoothly. The movers were a wonderful family run business called AJ10 removals (highly competitive prices and we would definitely recommend them).  It was hard to say goodbye and tears flowed as I drove with the boys out of our gates and away from the only life they have known and, to be honest, the only life and community that I have really known.

Once we arrived at our new spot there was just too much to be done to feel sad again.  All hands were on deck to help unpack, clean, scrub, paint... We were so unbelievably blessed by family and three special couples who arrived bearing fresh food, freezer meals, treats and dinner! We only know three couples this side and we have been totally blown away by the love, support and kindness we have been shown. We could not have asked for a more embracing welcome to our new home and new community and life. On this note I want to take a quick moment to publically thank all those who helped us in so many different ways; from looking after our boys (in the midst of the emotion and chaos) while I packed, moved and unpacked to helping us physically pack and move and then clean, scrub and paint. And of course, a thank you to our family and friends who sent and continue to send messages of love, care and support!

Back to move day...

Sean spent much of our moving day taking photos and staring at our amazing view. We truly are blessed to be on a farm, wide open spaces all around and yet not far from city life.  Our first night was so quiet that Sean and I both kept waking up to listen... to the sound of nothing! It has certainly required a mindset change moving from our second floor flat to a big house on a farm.  Actually my big fear before we moved was that I was going to feel fearful here (I didn't feel it yet but I was scared of feeling scared... if that makes sense).  God has an amazing (kind) way of help me in my fear and faith struggle.  Firstly, we thought we were coming to two dogs and an alarm system.  But that was not to be.  We knew before hand that the dogs were gone but we arrived to a disabled alarm system (and both the farm owner and his son leaving for a week's holiday).  However, on night one, while friends prayed for us and for our protection I had a picture of angel's wings fully covering our whole house... so much so that it was only wings that I could see and no house at all.  So night one, 3am, after trying to listen out for whatever it was I thought I should listen out for, I finally made the decision to trust the special picture as a promise from God and I went to sleep.

Tristan and Connor have adjusted quickly and so well!  I guess it would be hard for them to pine for our previous home. Here they have so much space, both inside and outside.  They play up a storm and love digging, loading, riding and just being totally free.  Easter was a treat as there were so many fun places to hide eggs!

As for me, I am adjusting.  I have cleaned, steamed, scrubbed, scraped and cleaned some more.  I have no regrets about our move and love our environment.  I fully believe we are in God's will and I am glad that we didn't wait for everything to be in place before we moved.  We are still trying to find a tenant for our flat - something I find hard, not only because of the financial implications but also because the thought of our special home standing open makes me a bit heartsore. Sean is going full steam ahead with his motorised bicycle concept and although he has not finalised anything, there are some ad hoc work prospects in the pipeline. I guess the truth is that I am clinging to God and His promises and faithfulness with all my might... It's either that He comes through, or we find ourselves in a pretty precarious financial position.  But my money is definitely on His faithfulness.  And despite my 99% caution rating, I am so glad that we are here; that we put everything (our faith, pride, finances, selves) on the line and have taken this leap of faith.  The hard part was making the decision to do this.  I am no longer scared.  Now, as from the image Sean felt God give him, it is just a case of strapping ourselves into the roller coaster, letting God have the controls, holding on tight and enjoying the ride. Wheeeeee!!! (And eeeeeeek!!!)

A photo outside our special home
on moving day

Sean and the boys with his exciting
new motorised transport concept 

Our amazing view at sunrise

 Wide open spaces

Watching the boys as they play...
What a view!

1 week to go!

I think the risk of being a future focused / torch bearing type in this life, is that we (myself being one) never actually stop to see just how far we've come along our journeys... Fortunately i have come to know this trait in myself all too well, and so just before i share all those things that have not gone according to plan, let me start by sharing some of those things that have...

Firstly, i am typing this in our lounge, surrounded by boxes and random items in preparation for the move this Saturday. For the record, i have not packed a single box... Not even 1 of the more than 30 already packed. I have also contributed almost nothing to solving the problem of our currently 'tenant-less' flat, nor have i had any dealings with the moving company whatsoever. I have not had to organize any of the support we will receive on packing day from a number of our friends, nor have i been involved in finalizing the moving arrangements with our new landlords in Walkerville. I can go on, but probably better not for the sake of my reputation!

Who then do i have to thank for all of this? It sounds funny too say, but the person who has almost single-handedly taken responsibility for every major element of our move, is the same person who hates change, hates the unfamiliar, and hates a messy house. The fact that she likes boxes, is probably our only saving grace! Of course i am referring to my darling wife, and what an amazing job she is doing (despite being scared - see her previous post), and despite me still not having a job - which coincidentally is the only responsibility i have been tasked with! (nice one Sean)

So then, with 1 week to go until 'Project Treetops' (the code name for our relocation to Walkerville) officially becomes 'Project Get On With Life', i am reminded that we are almost 90% of the way to completing our most ambitious undertaking as a married couple (short of saying 'i do'), and if i'm honest, i have my wife to thank for about 90% of all of that! Boeby (my wife's pet name), you are a legend, and your courage and commitment never ceases to humble me (when i actually take a moment to appreciate what we have in you). Thank you my sweetie, and may God bless you richly for your faith and faithfulness!

OK, with that said, back to the futurist that is me... As mentioned, i still have no job, but not for a lack of trying (as i have tried to allow God to lead me) - bearing in mind, that my job pool is considerably limited given that i am only looking within a 10 km radius of our new home in Eikenhof (given our desire to have a simpler lifestyle, with more time for both ourselves and others = no room for traffic!)

Subconsciously, i know that i have been holding out for a job / apprenticeship with a gentleman by the name of John, who owns a company called Benches Direct in Walkerville - especially given my desire to better understand furniture manufacturing. To date however, i'm the only party showing any interest in this regard...

Interestingly enough, as i'm writing this, i'm suddenly reminded of my current work computer password - Joshua Chapter 1. It is here that the Lord commands Joshua to 'Be strong and courageous!', which is the self same scripture i held onto last time the sweats were on... just before my business (Transvelop) came a tumbling down (closed) - and damn!! did we need to be strong and courageous then. Fast forward today, and i'm really wondering what the Lord has in store for us this time round, but secretly optimistic that we're going to be 'presently surprised' (as the Lord has promised Dannean). Anyway, the clock is ticking, and the money runs out at the end of April (no savings)... Joshua Chapter 1 - HERE WE COME!!

Curve Balls

My Christmas present to Sean last year

I have packed 30 boxes. The boys are all prepared for their move to Walkerville. I have been emotionally preparing myself for ages. We are set to move in just over three weeks time. So what could go wrong?...

Great question...

Sean has still not got a job offer.  For most this would probably be the biggie, the big "No, don't go. It must be a sign" yet for me, this has not been a major concern.  I have, contrary to my personality, actually taken this in my stride. 

Today (4 March) I just found out that the people who were going to rent our flat (which forms part of our living income when we move) have decided to take another unit in the same complex.

We have signed our lease for the place in Eikenhof but as there is still some work to do on the house we are holding off on paying the deposit until we can be guaranteed that the finishing touches will be completed before we move in. No response to that yet.

And so here I sit.  Wondering whether to laugh or cry (I have done both).  The news of our flat was quite a blow to me and so, I just let myself let it out and I cried. Hard, but not for long.  I thought back to a few things that have happened recently which make me see God's hand so clearly in all this that seems so much like 'chaos'.

Firstly, on Saturday, Sean showed Ang and I a video clip.  The content was great but what stood out for me most were these words (I paraphrase): "Don't put a full stop where God has put a comma".  The story has not ended.  He continue to explain that many of the greatest biblical characters experienced what we are experiencing right now.  The city of Jericho was too well fortified.  Abraham was too old.  David was too young.  Peter denied Jesus. Jesus was too well known... I could go on.  But that was not the end of their stories.  And this is not the end of ours.  The walls of Jericho fell, Abraham had a son, David slayed a giant, Peter built the church, Jesus died and rose. 

This morning I read a short devotion by John Piper.  This was before I heard the news of our flat.  And already this morning my spirit must have known that the words were needed.  He quotes Isaiah and how God rejoices to do good for his people.  What a wonderful promise, I thought, before I even realised how much I was going to need to hold to it.

So once I had had my cry, I started to rejoice.  I starting praising God as even though this is not how I would have liked things to go, he knows better.  And it can only be for our good.  I have prayed so much for His will to be done.  I have prayed only that we would be following him and not our own thoughts and desires.  I do not care if this all falls apart.  I do not care about looking like a 'fool' for what we have thought if this is all wrong.  All I care about is doing what He wills, His way and in His timing.  And so I rejoice and thank God who is good and faithful and is directing our lives as He wishes.  That has been my prayer.  How can I not see all this as His answer?

I must have read this somewhere at some time in my life, but after crying, then praying and then rejoicing, I had these words come to mind: "Maybe when we think everything is falling apart it is, in fact, that things are all falling together".

Watch this space.  God is moving!

25 March 2015: 
God is indeed moving. We have finalised our lease for Walkerville and will be moving on Saturday. Still no job for Sean and wewe are still holding out in faith for a tenant for our flat but it is in His hands and timing.  I am learning, slowly and with many tears, to let God do what He does best... Be God!